Cooking fights

[Prototypian]

I have a PhD in a science discipline and following a recipe is easy for me and it's also easy to improvise.   Sometimes things come out ok and sometimes you throw that recipe away.  My uOCPDw can't handle anything but exact devotion to the recipe and won't let something start until she has personally approved of the recipe, the source and the methods for whatever meal it is.   I'm sure every pair of spouses each have their own things they cook.   This bugs me so.much because it's like I have a professional auditor watching everything I do adjusting the burners, checking the size of the measuring cups and spoons, checking ingredients, and reminding me the oven is on or the timer is almost down.   I don't serve burned meals or garbage; I also don't take on complex meals with tons of ingredients.   I often have to just bail and let her take over because it's so annoying.

[Boat Babe]

Is it because you enjoy cooking and she wants to spoil that? Just a thought. Sending hugs.

[SonofThunder]

I have a PhD in a science discipline and following a recipe is easy for me and it's also easy to improvise.   Sometimes things come out ok and sometimes you throw that recipe away.  My uOCPDw can't handle anything but exact devotion to the recipe and won't let something start until she has personally approved of the recipe, the source and the methods for whatever meal it is.   I'm sure every pair of spouses each have their own things they cook.   This bugs me so.much because it's like I have a professional auditor watching everything I do adjusting the burners, checking the size of the measuring cups and spoons, checking ingredients, and reminding me the oven is on or the timer is almost down.   I don't serve burned meals or garbage; I also don't take on complex meals with tons of ingredients.   I often have to just bail and let her take over because it's so annoying.

Hi Jsinjin,

There is a definite place in your story for proper boundaries to be in place for yourself.  I will assume you enjoy cooking, just having issue with supervised or criticized cooking.   The boundary to put in place for yourself could be something like this:

1. "Mrs Jsinjin, I understand you believe it is proper to follow recipes and not deviate.  I enjoy cooking and the challenge of experimentation in deviating from the recipes where I believe deviation will result in a delicious meal."

2. "I do not though enjoy supervised cooking or negative opinions regarding my decisions in deviation from the recipe."

3. "Therefore, if you choose to supervise or criticize my choices to cook and/or deviate from a recipe, I am going to immediately stop what I am doing (no matter where in the recipe process I am currently), clean up all my preparations silently, and make myself (and kids if you believe you are responsible for their meals) breakfast for dinner (some thing simple but nutritionally balanced).  I am happy to include you in the simple breakfast meal for dinner as well, or you may choose to make your own meal." 

4. "If you continue to attempt to repeatedly supervise or criticize my cooking, I will therefore choose, going forward, not to cook at all.  If that occurs and you do not start cooking for me/all of us, I will simply cook a meal for myself/kids and not be responsible for preparing you a meal."
———-
Jsinjin, ask yourself, in my 1-4, above what power Mrs Jsinjin has, in the described proper boundaries, to continue to criticize or supervise your cooking or even deny you/kids a meal.  None.  She is fully in control of her actions yet you in control of your own.  Boundaries, when properly designed and executed in a calm neutral manner are a very powerful tool in your self protection.  If you choose to design and permanently implement boundaries in regard to this post about your cooking, it would be interesting to hear back from you on the results.   Enjoy your balanced breakfast for dinner as well!   

SoT

[Prototypian]

SoT.   That's the best advice I've ever had. 

It's cold here and yesterday I was making guiness irish stew and there are lots of ingredients and a few steps.   It's one of the family favorite meals.   I cobbled the recipe together over years from cookbooks and trial and error.   This has been of deep concern to her because there is no central reference, only what I've written up.   She is always very concerned about how it is made, what the instructions are and "have you checked this with any other stew.recipes".   The kids love it and there are no leftovers.  I know her problem is in the OcPd mindset, anything left to chance could be wrong and she just can't let that happen.  It's not about whether or works or tastes good or not, it's truly about whether or not rules have been followed.

But shutting down in a non vindictive way with clear explanation is quite powerful.

[Dollydrops]

This puts me in mind of my udpdh.
I love cooking. I've done it for the family for over 30 years. When my sons partner told us she was a cook for a living he decided he wanted to take over ours at home. Just like that! Every Sunday lunch had to be discussed with her, every ingredient. He enjoyed telling everyone he cooked our meals as though he'd always done them, and all this because she complimented me on my dishes. He strived for her compliments and of course it was about validation for him. He'd follow me round the kitchen if I cooked, criticising, adding things to the pot just to put me down. It worked a treat for him until one Christmas when I cooked a feast for everyone. The compliments were in abundance. When she went to leave H said to her ' thanks for pretending to enjoy that' ...she actually  told him she could never match it herself and asked  him if he had something wrong with him....its all about YOU being good at something, it almost cripples them!...Boy did I feel I had an ally that day.

[SonofThunder]

SoT.   That's the best advice I've ever had. 

It's cold here and yesterday I was making guiness irish stew and there are lots of ingredients and a few steps.   It's one of the family favorite meals.   I cobbled the recipe together over years from cookbooks and trial and error.   This has been of deep concern to her because there is no central reference, only what I've written up.   She is always very concerned about how it is made, what the instructions are and "have you checked this with any other stew.recipes".   The kids love it and there are no leftovers.  I know her problem is in the OcPd mindset, anything left to chance could be wrong and she just can't let that happen.  It's not about whether or works or tastes good or not, it's truly about whether or not rules have been followed.

But shutting down in a non vindictive way with clear explanation is quite powerful.

Jsinjin,

Yes I agree that creating and fully carrying through with proper boundaries that are non-vindictive, in order to protect ourselves is very powerful.  Properly designed and 100% executed in a calm and neutral manner, they are almost impossible to thwart without a full-on attempt at some sort of drama diversion or even to the extreme of something illegal, as the PD strives to assert control. 

The problem many people have is that boundaries are not punishment, but there is a very thin line between self-protection and punishment.  Motive and execution in a calm manner assist in self-protection without punishment.  Those on the receiving end of properly executed boundaries may indeed believe they are being punished and accuse the boundary keeper of punishment, therefore it is necessary to be calm and non-vindictive yet follow the plan to the letter....every time. 

The PD will eventually realize that they have no real ability to thwart the specific boundary and in my experiences, will not challenge that specific area any longer.  This does not mean the PD will not attempt to 'punish' the boundary keeper for a calmly successful boundary.  My uPDw uses silent treatment (not 'silent' at all) in retaliation, such as door slamming, accusations and insults made from a distance, certain facial expressions, dramatic exits, comments made to others around me in a manner like I was not present and other things in order to 'punish'.  When this occurs, I simply utilize one of the best tools in my self protection arsenal.....the (make sure always fully charged)  Bose over-ear noise canceling QC 35II headphones with Bluetooth link to my cell phone, listening to music and podcasts.   I use them frequently/purposefully even in non-drama times as well so it perfectly natural for me to use them regularly, but they are an ideal tool in the midst of silent treatments.  When my uPDw realizes I can protect myself from her silent treatments by my headphones, all while I keep doing whatever I planned on doing, she will move along, because her attempts are not effective. 

Lastly, imo it is very important to keep as much of the boundary design plans to yourself.  Revealing self-protection plans to a PD is similar to revealing battle plans to an enemy, as they simply prepare the best way possible to divert the situation to their advantage.  Therefore, my advise is to keep all plans to yourself only, practice them repeatedly in your mind so you are fully prepared (have the alternative meals ingredients in the fridge/cabinet at all times in prep) and then execute calmly and quietly as soon as the situation begins that triggers the boundary action...No warnings given to the PD upon her initial confrontation/criticism/auditing, just quiet detour action on your part .  Warnings are an invitation for drama and are similar to JADEing (see toolbox). 

The stew sounds amazing.  Enjoy.

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

Great post, SonofThunder!

[SonofThunder]

Great post, SonofThunder!

Poison Ivy, thank you for the kind words and for being a part of the camaraderie here on Out of the FOG.   

SoT

[oak_tree]

Side note...

This puts me in mind of my udpdh.
I love cooking. I've done it for the family for over 30 years. When my sons partner told us she was a cook for a living he decided he wanted to take over ours at home. Just like that! Every Sunday lunch had to be discussed with her, every ingredient. He enjoyed telling everyone he cooked our meals as though he'd always done them, and all this because she complimented me on my dishes. He strived for her compliments and of course it was about validation for him. He'd follow me round the kitchen if I cooked, criticising, adding things to the pot just to put me down. It worked a treat for him until one Christmas when I cooked a feast for everyone. The compliments were in abundance. When she went to leave H said to her ' thanks for pretending to enjoy that' ...she actually  told him she could never match it herself and asked  him if he had something wrong with him....its all about YOU being good at something, it almost cripples them!...Boy did I feel I had an ally that day.

That sounds incredibly vindicating High five