Family whisper network

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

Urrgh, I'm just dealing with something that I'm sure others have dealt with.

Actually I've been dealing with it for years. I have 3x PD siblings and PD parents... I've always been badly scapegoated...

For years I've been dealing with various methods of control. My parents and siblings operate a kind of whisper / spy network where anything I say gets reported back to central command head quarters to P mum. For years she's been using this to try and find out where I live etc.

I'm getting REALLY sick of the stalking and pressure to do things from all of them. They did social media stalking at one point (until I blocked them). I'm just so tired of this web of control.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do. I'm just utterly sick of it. The non-stop harassment about where I live, because PD mother feels entitled to barge into my room at anytime of the day and night.

I really am at the point where I feel like I will need to call the police if it happens again. I'm so so sick of it

[notrightinthehead]

How do they do the harrassing?

[JollyJazz]

Hi Notrightinthehead,

Well, I have three brothers, I know that PD M has been getting them to pester me about my address for years. So one brother rang me up at my work out of the blue and demanded that I give my mother my address, another brother recently emailed me saying that if they don't have my address I must be living in my car - which is crazy, I've never and would ever live in a car, my job pays fine, but they were just trying to provoke me into giving it to them, everytime I see any of my siblings they ask me for my address, my mother has even rung up my friends asking for it. It's a constant pressure campaign.

I've explained to my mother numerous times that I don't like her random visits and her bursting into my room - and this is why I don't feel comfortable giving her my address. But she basically feels totally entitled and believes it is her right to come over whenever she wants.

Anyway, I hope that answers your question

[Cat of the Canals]

My husband and I moved 1300 miles away from our FOOs, in part to end the nonstop unscheduled visits from his PD mother (after we explicitly asked her to not do it). It is SO FRUSTRATING to have someone disrespect the boundary of your own home that way. I'm sorry you're not only in the position of having to flee that but also fight off the flying monkeys on top of it.

I would keep holding them off for as long as you can. If she does somehow get your address... can you keep your door locked and simply not answer if she shows up?

[JollyJazz]

Hi CatofCanals,

You know, you are right... I can lock the door, especially if I own my own place! I'm actually used to shared places where my mother pulled the 'concerned mother' card and got her way in somehow...

Thanks for sharing your story to. This absolute sense of entitlement to invade our personal space seems so common! Lol.

I'm sick of the pressure and kind of gas lighting from having the whole family gang up... as if this kind of invasion is something normal.
Anyway, thanks for sharing too. It does make me feel less alone.

[notrightinthehead]

When brothers and friends tell you to give your mother your address, what do you tell them?  Do you ask them to be on your side and support you? Do you ask them to stop pestering you? With which result?

[JollyJazz]

Hi Notrightinthehead,

They pretty much pester me in various formats, one brother rang me at work, sometimes by email, in person. They won't stop because they don't care about me, it's about control

[notrightinthehead]

That must be so unsettling. I am sure you use all the means available to block them.

[JollyJazz]

Thanks Notrightinthehead,
Yes it's hard. My mother found my address and barged into my house and my bedroom when I was sleeping, grabbing my leg. She also gaslighted me claiming she was there to 'help me'. She's stalked me for years. Her big thing was barging into my bedroom, giving me major issues about feeling safe anywhere.

Having her army of flying monkeys harass me is very stressful too 

[Cat of the Canals]

They pretty much pester me in various formats, one brother rang me at work, sometimes by email, in person. They won't stop because they don't care about me, it's about control

Yuck. It's bad enough when the PDs do it, but the flying monkeys are a new level of obnoxious, because... WHY DO THEY CARE? It's so not any of their business.

My unPD mother's favorite flying monkey is my aunt (probably also a PD herself). The last time she flapped her wings at me, I told her that from now on, I'd prefer that if my mother wanted something from me, she ask me herself versus communicate via third parties.

Her response was something along the lines of, ​"I don't think she ever ASKED me to tell you to call her. It's just that she misses you. I won't bring her up again."

Obtuse denial, followed by a reiteration of the guilt message, followed by an overly severe/waify acceptance.

But her response doesn't really matter. What does is that I've clearly expressed the boundary. And I've already decided that if my aunt doesn't respect the boundary (I won't be surprised if she suddenly "forgets" the boundary in six months or so), I will block her email address. (We don't speak on the phone, but if we did, I would stop taking her calls as well. Etc.)

I suggest you do the same with your flying monkeys. Some/most/all of them might not respect the boundaries you've asked for. That's to be expected (as annoying as it is). But what they've made clear at that point is that they do not respect you. And who wants a relationship with someone who doesn't respect them?

If you've already communicated the boundaries, then you skip to the consequences/protecting yourself from further abuse stage. Whenever you can, screen your calls. Block the numbers if necessary. Get a voicemail-to-text app so all messages are reduced to text (much less triggering that way). Send any known flying monkey emails to a filtered folder that you only check at predetermined intervals (or never). At work, if they are using the fact that someone else answers the phone to get to you, you could either inform that person that if Person X calls, please tell them you are unavailable and to take a message. If involving someone else makes you uncomfortable, take the call but instead of letting your brother go off about whatever it is, you calmly say, "I'm sorry, now is really not a good time. You'll need to call me back when I'm not at work." And then you hang up.

I know the harassment game gets old very quickly. It's completely unfair. Your mother does not have a right to know your whereabouts if you don't want her to, and you have a right to protect yourself from her and from the monkeys.

[JollyJazz]

Hi CatofCanals,

I'm glad that you have expressed your boundaries to your flying monkey aunt. That sounds like the right thing to do.

In response to your advice, for the record, yes I have previously expressed my boundaries to my brothers.