Roller Coaster ascending again

[ToAudrey]

I've been pretty absent from here for a bit from just work and the young child and trying to work on myself.

uNPDH seems to be on an hoover (maybe) kick again after a month or more of ignoring our child and basically all responsibility. It is like a combo though as the 'on the phone all day long' ramped up again with it seems more drama of fighting with the mods on a forum he is on all day long (a while back this was going on again and he kept saying he was going to buy the forum and make the mods with for him...um ok he has no job and websites don't work that way). But at the same time he actually cleared up some lingering mess in the living room and helped with a couple other things.

With suggestions from here I've been keeping track a bit so I can recognize the cycle. Guess this is a bit of a venting post and also a thank you for the toolbox and support from many others going through similar things at home.

Just knowing the terminology and behaviors has helped a lot. I can see now when he future fakes and can keep my expectations low. He did it just last week bringing up playing some games together like we used to and while I remained open to it I did not take over doing the work to set it up...and it never happened. I see him now doing this with our child. I worked while the child had the day off from school. He told the kid he'd be right back and would do an activity the kid asked about and nope he never came back and was on the phone with at least three different calls from 4am until well after 6pm. So I worked and also hung out with our child.

[Lauren17]

The roller coaster is on an uphill climb here, too. But it's not a very steep slope.
My uBPDh is communicating more. As an example, he's still working past the kids bedtime, but now he'll text and say "I'm late"  and sometimes he says hello when he gets home. I was pleased that he sent a text. And then sad the bar was set so low.
The tools really do help to level out the ups and downs.
Keep using the tools. And remember that we're here when you need some understanding.

[ToAudrey]

Thank you Lauren!

The coaster already started careening downward. He's yelling at our child again and even this morning said we "need to break his spirit" in regards to some of the power struggle issues.  oh no no no. I didn't exactly get into JADE but put a hard stop on that wording (before the tools I would have probably cowered and agreed and cried). uNPDH then came down to where I am working and said he didn't mean his wording and when I restated I was firm that I am not breaking my child's spirit he launched into a big guilt trip and how oh he will just take all the blame etc etc. thanks to the tools and a greater understanding of what he is likely trying to do I was able to stay calm.

H also seems to be once again on this thing about revenge on others in an online group he's on a lot. He's cycled through this before as well. Seems there are rules he will not follow and he does not like one bit being called on it by those that moderate the group. I only overhear bits as I have been implementing MC and no longer getting completely caught up in his drama and expending all my energy making his world just as he wants it. Reflecting on this really has shown just how much I've done that all these years and how much that wound up isolating me from friends and family and things that gave me joy. So many red flags ignored over the years that I fall into feeling awful that I let myself get to this situation. I know that just feeling bad doesn't help so I work on healing as much as I can while still in the situation.