Children with PDs over share

[Sidney37]

My therapist recently brought up that children of PDs often over share.  Looking back I didn't do it when I lived in places with friendly people (think southern states in the US), but when I've lived in places where people are closed off and cold, I probably do.  Honestly just about any friendly conversation  where I now live could be considered over sharing.   


Does anyone know why we over share or what to do to stop? 

[FromTheSwamp]

I have no idea how to stop.  Ask anyone who knows me.

For me, I think it's a combination of not having a good example growing up (my parents have no boundaries in their conversations, like everything else) and the deep seated desire to be seen.  If I get the tiniest bit of the feeling that people care about me, suddenly I'm telling them more than they want to know.  I so want someone to know the real me and still like me.  But then of course I feel gross about it later, sure that they hate me now.

[SparkStillLit]

BLECH I do this too, and then I feel HORRIBLE about it, and SO EMBARRASSED.
I never seem to catch it till too late.

[SunnyMeadow]

I do this too. Even on the board I'll type a bunch of stuff, over share, then re-read and delete!  I could be identified by the things I over share here.

Weird that I do this because I'm usually pretty guarded. FromtheSwamp wrote this: I so want someone to know the real me and still like me. I feel a similar way. It's like I want to layout all the crap and see if they still like me. When I was younger I think there was an element of "hey, feel sorry for me and also like me!"

I absolutely feel I over share at times and I don't like it. Good question Sidney37! I need to do some more thinking on it because I really don't like that I do this.

[all4peace]

I wonder if it may work to say that children of PDs may have a tendency to both over-share and under-share. I would guess that having a PD as a parent would lead to boundary and attachment issues, and those both would relate to how much or how little we share with others.

I also wonder if it helps us learn the "just right" amount of sharing over time when we're really gentle with ourselves. Like "Ick, I feel a little uncomfortable with how much I said to that person. Good data. I'll try to remember that for next time." or "Hmmm, I really didn't open up even though those friends are safe and trustworthy. I felt kind of left out because I didn't share more. Maybe next time I'll risk sharing a little more."

For me, it's an ongoing learning process!

[JustKat]

I wonder if it may work to say that children of PDs may have a tendency to both over-share and under-share.

I think I fall more under that latter category of under sharing, probably because my Nmother made me feel so ashamed about everything in my life. I tend to not share anything about my education or work accomplishments, believing that the person I'm talking to will laugh at me or see me as unworthy of their friendship.

When I do over-share I hate myself for doing it. I feel stupid and will delete or try to walk back the comment. Much of it probably isn't actual oversharing, but I perceive it that way because I was never allowed to be proud of my achievements or feel good about myself in any way. It's really a darned if I do/darned if I don't kind of feeling.

[FromTheSwamp]

My oversharing happens when I am in an in-person social situation.  I was groomed by my parents to constantly entertain them and keep their spirits up, from a very young age.  So when I am around people, I automatically go into this mode where I am trying to keep them entertained, and it is this terrible social anxiety nervous chatter thing that happens that I can't seem to control in the moment, no matter how many talks I have given myself about how I'm not going to do it this time.

[SparkStillLit]

That's me. Nervous chatter. "And then this! And then that! Hahaha!"
I am hideously uncomortable in in-person social settings, I normally avoid them. If I get stuck in them, I just get in this information/story vomit mode and it's THE WORST. No matter HOW I tell myself I'm NOT going to do that!
It's like some kind of weird defense, you know how animals barf on themselves in defense, well I word barf.

[Oscen]

Can totally relate to the nervous chatterer, oversharing, the works. I think it's the normal response to the abnormal FOO environment that doesn't support healthy childhood development of, among other things, an internal locus of evaluation.

I think it comes from having arbitrarily punishing abusers in our lives who didn't follow consistent rules, so we couldn't assess how our behaviour was going to make them respond. We were only able to get a sense of whether we'd be punished that day by running our inner dialogue past them to get reassurance that they still approve of us and our decisions. The minute we started making our own decisions without their consultation, the random punishments started raining down, because it was never about right or wrong anyway; only about control. Because it was so unpredictable, we stopped trying to figure it out or learn good judgment for ourselves - it was useless in that environment. Instead, we've come to be totally dependent on the people around us to keep giving us approval in order to feel safe and to outsource our mental processing to them, rather than learning to behave according to a self-identified moral code and dealing with occasional disapproval from others. It's not our fault, but it is our responsibility to fix.

So I don't think it's really about oversharing or even about boundaries, but about developing our own judgment through self-knowledge and trial and error. Takes time though and doesn't help that I get rampant EFs in many social situations!

[Hilltop]

I'm an undersharer in real life.  Probably too closed off however more open with close friends.

On this forum I share a lot but figure that's the whole point of it.  I wouldn't tell someone in real life the stuff I write here. 

I figure as the SG I was always told to be quiet and I still do that IRL.

[AlisonWonder]

I always used to overshare, and it didn't stop when I started learning about PDs, but it did start to stop once I finally felt I had something in my life worth protecting.  When everyone around me was hateful, *any* social encounter had the possibility of improving my life, so I would "go for it".  I actually think it may have been a good thing, because inevitably I got some kind of feedback and one or two of those people would be normal, even if they didn't stick around.

I think we tend to underestimate the huge amount of experience it took, for us even to be able to get that something is not right in our FOO.  Keeping our mouths shut may not be a good idea to start with.  Later, it's absolutely essential!

[Sidney37]

Thanks everyone.  I've been so frustrated with the idea that I overshare and thinking it through, that I stepped away from the board to process it.  DH and I think that I overshare when I try to communicate with people who don't react to me when I'm talking.  I think if I keep talking that eventually they will acknowledge me.  We live in a place where people aren't very warm  or welcoming, so I've been over sharing here (not so much elsewhere where people at least make eye contact, smile, not or respond) just trying to make connections.  I'm sure it served some purpose with my mother at some point.  I was totally enmeshed before I got Out of the FOG.  I think the over sharing made me feel acknowledged or accepted by my NPDm, but I wasn't really accepted, was I?

The idea of inconsistent abusers resonates with me, too.  You never know what you are going to get with a narcissist in some ways.  In other ways, they are very predictable.  I'm definitely looking for acceptance and approval which I NEVER got from my PDm.