Nervous about making new friends

[BefuddledClarity]

Most of the people I end up being friends with have toxic tendencies and now I'm rather anxious about making new friends. People usually warm up to me fast and after awhile I want to shut down.

My last "friend" was a former coworker who put me down all the time and was generally negative, implied I was an idiot in many occassions. Then she has harassed me over text after months of leaving that job and being petulant. She's blocked now, but it's just creepy dealing with that.

I've had stalkers in the past and equally toxic friends that'd I'd like to forget about.


Anyone have tips on determining what is and isn't a red flag for friendships? Because I cannot determine anymore and the lines blurr.

I barely met someone at current job and they want to hangout already. It may be cultural thing, both her and my partner are same race and they're typically very open and friendly people while I am rather quite and reserved.

[Adria]

I understand where you are coming from completely.  It is very difficult to discern until being involved many times.  Someone once told me that when you join a church, take a new job, etc., to always watch out for the first person who approaches you to go to lunch, be their new bff, or seems to want your attention.  Maybe pay attention to that. Because I have and have found out that the first person to want to get to know you, is usually the person you need to watch out for. That is usually the person with the biggest ulterior motives.

[zak]

I went/am still going through the same thing. I do have a degree of social anxiety too. uNPD Dad used to tell me that no-one would ever want me and that no-one wanted me to be there, even at family gatherings. Intellectually I've debunked this but CPTSD means that when meeting new people or joining new groups for whatever reason, I can be quite anxious. Like you,  I learned to not quite trust myself to know who would be the life-giving and healthy people in a group.

Over the past few years I've learned to implement healthy boundaries and be assertive enough to stand up for myself. I don't tolerate thinly veiled put-downs and exploitations or manipulations any more. Due to this I'm not a narc's dream any longer and one long-time person who I'd believed was a genuine friend ghosted me while posting on social media about her 'new' besties ! Another long-term friend became passive aggressive and rather mean. It hurt and left me wondering what's real and how to know what's real. I've done some deep reflection on this so here are my red flags. Be wary of :

* The person who tries to detach you from the group or want's to monopolise you.
*The person who over discloses personal information too quickly.
*The person that acts like your instant friend.
*The person who complains/bitches about other people.
* The 'life of the party' person who likes to hold the floor and wants you to be in their audience.
* Being grateful or flattered that someone is showering me with attention.

My approach is to be authentically me, hold back and take it slowly. I haven't acquired a new 'toxic' friend since I learned to implement better boundaries and be more assertive. Lots of luck 

[yarlanzey]

Taking it slowly is very important. A toxic person will often "lovebomb" and be a really intense "friend" right from the beginning, sending loads of texts, wanting to be with you a lot of the time, and so on. If you pace things out, be slow to reply to texts, don't agree to every request to spend time together, they will most likely get bored and look for someone else.

As for when "group friendships" happen, where things tend to happen as a unit, I can't help you there. I'm kind of at a loss at this aspect of relationships right now, whether it's family or friends.

[GettingOOTF]

For me I've learned to take new relationships very very slowly. My number one red flag is giving out too many intimate details early on.

In terms of trusting my self, given my history, if I feel a connection straight away I take a step back and carefully observe the other person and my behavior.  I struggled a lot with codependency so if I find myself wanting to do things for someone new or auditioning for their attention I take a big step back.

I used to feel this desperate need to rush to "best friends". Now I understand that it's best to let things slowly unfold at their own pace. People reveal who they are eventually.