I need advice - a passing :(

[BlueCheesePlease]

  I went NC with my sister not quite 2 months ago. She has tried every single which way of contacting me that you or I can think of. She has been horrible -  a bully, mean, abusive, to the point of harassment etc. Then she has been "confused" with "I don't know why you cut me off" etc etc. "I don't understand, I'm so hurt" and then most recently, what I have learned as being "hoovering" and trying to act super sweet and sincere "I understand if you never want to talk to me again, I just want you to be happy, I know I was awful to you and you didn't deserve anything I said or did" along those lines... just being as sweet as sugar, to the point it didn't even sound like her writing.

Anyways, where I need advice: she sent a message the other day from a different facebook account she just created, which I obviously didn't have blocked, so I received it. One of our mutual friends, he passed away. He was much closer to my sister than myself, and within the last 6 months or so, we drifted apart slightly. I spoke with him a lot last summer over the phone every other week or so. I'm heartbroken to hear about his passing. She told me she wants to give me space and leave me alone, but said she felt she had to notify me of his passing because I care about him too. At first, I was afraid my sister was lying just so she could get a reaction/response out of me. But she asked if I had any photos of our friend and if I could pass them on to a mutual friend of ours (not directly to her) for a memorial they will be putting together. She invited me to come..... this breaks my heart too, because I would obviously love to go but it will be a very small group of people, and I don't want to be in close proximity of my sister right now. Is that selfish? I thought of maybe doing a write up about him, and sending it to our mutual friend and having her read it (not my sister) at his memorial. What do you all think? ok idea? bad idea? How would you handle this? some people have told me not to respond or do anything what so ever... but that doesn't feel right either.

Also, this may seem a little selfish, but I'm also afraid I look like a huge b*tch for not acknowledging her messages about it - and that I look cold hearted and awful. I know I'm not-  but I just feel really cruel.

This really sucks. I am saddened by the passing of our friend, to feel I have to ignore my sister and not acknowledge him, his passing, or memorial doesn't feel right.

[notrightinthehead]

Don't worry what others think of you. Easy to say, much harder to do. Keep on telling yourself that you do not know what they think, because you cannot read their minds.
Listen very closely to your heart. What you want to do. What you think of yourself.
Have you been able to confirm what you have learned? Is it true? And deep in your heart, what do you want to do. Memorial services are for the ones left behind. A grieving ceremony. Something that lets them go on. Maybe you want to reach out to your friends' relatives? Maybe you even want to send your sister condolences. Only you will know what will make you feel good.

[GettingOOTF]

A similar thing happened to me last year. A very close childhood friend died suddenly. It was a massive shock. I ended up reaching out to my sister. It did not end well for me.

I agree with notright about not worrying what people think of you.

I took time to privately morn and remember my friend. At the end of the day interacting with my family just made an already awful situation that much worse.  And the fallout from the contact with my sister lasted a few weeks.

My advice in these situations is that there is no wrong choice so do what you can most easily live with.

[BlueCheesePlease]

Hey all,

Thank you for your advice... I really took it in to account, and I decided that I would write something up for his memorial, and had my husband email it for me to a  mutual friend, so that there's no way there will be any cross communication  with my sister and the door won't open up to any kind of communication. I feel good about my choice. I am sad we can't mourn him together.. but I just truly think this is for the best. This is about HIM, not my relationship with my sister.. and even though that is preventing me from going,  I am still participating in a way, that won't cause anything uncomfortable at the memorial by her and I being around each other. My sister was much closer to him than I was, and I'm afraid she would possibly not even go if she knew I was coming, and I wouldn't want that either.

Thank you for your help and advice <3

[GettingOOTF]

It sounds like it worked out well for you. That was a lovely gesture on your part and you got to privately morn while writing.

Our family situations make these events so much harder. I'm sorry for your loss.