Was he a narc?

[wkngdrm0118]

My entanglement with a man I now suspect is a narc began a little over a year ago. He messaged me just one day after I had joined a dating website and we exchanged messages for a little over a month before he requested that we take our communications offline. I eagerly agreed because he seemed like the perfect man for me and I felt a connection to someone that I hadn't even met yet. When we switched to texting and phone calls we seemed to be in CONSTANT contact--we'd text from morning until night and he'd call me every pet name under the sun (baby, honey, hot stuff, etc). I've deleted all these old messages, but I don't remember being called by my actual name much at all during the just over two months that I dated him. When we dated, each time we saw each other was HOURS long.

We dated for just over two months before he called me one Friday night and told me he didn't see it turning into a relationship. I realize now I should have turned and ran at the exact moment he told me he still wanted to be friends and that our physical affection didn't have to stop. People in my life knew about his past relationship failures (one failed marriage which he entered into after knowing the girl for only a month and two failed engagements-one of which he got into after knowing the girl for only a week) along with several other 2-4 month dating relationships that he ended because he just "wasn't sure he could marry the girl" so they thought he was just scared and needed time.

After he ended our dating relationship, he stopped initiating most contact with me. However, he continued to spend time with me on a regular basis when I asked and nothing really changed between us. He was still super affectionate and always seemed like he never wanted to leave when he was spending time with me. But then he started changing---he'd come over to my apartment and throw his stuff everywhere in my living room and expect for me to wait on him most of the time. In public, his boundaries were non existent: he had no trouble making out with me in the middle of a restaurant or sticking around after a movie had ended so he could yank me onto his lap and kiss me and grope my behind, knowing full well that someone could come into the theater at any moment. However, he also seemed to want to isolate us from other people--carefully choosing movie seats so we could have "privacy" and asking to be seated in a part of a restaurant where there were less people. Once I remember him saying that he "hated it" when people sat next to us at the movies. He became jealous each time I mentioned someone with a male name, even though he and I were no longer dating.

The last time I saw him (the first time) iwas when I finally basically got slapped in the face that there was something "wrong" with him. I made a sarcastic comment that he had trouble getting women. That led to him pulling out his cell phone and showing me pictures of women that he had pursued and then decided not to pursue a relationship with. He told me that, had he pushed for a relationship between him and I, we would be in a relationship. This floored me and angered me and he could tell, so he started being gooey sweet to me, asking if I was mad and telling me he didn't want me to be mad at him. (It is important to note here that I received similar treatment and what I realize now were terrible excuses when I attempted to walk away from this friendship twice before).

I haven't seen him since then. He declined every suggestion for us to hang out for a month, without providing an explanation for why he couldn't. Eventually I got upset and he "confessed" that he was having money issues and so he couldn't guarantee that he would be able to hang out with me. The night after he told me this, he sent me a random text asking me how my day had gone. Less than a week later, a girl he had friended on Facebook posted a cozy looking selfie of the two of them and tagged him in it. The following Saturday, I awoke to find that he had changed his Facebook status to indicate that he was in a relationship. I knew then that he had lied to me about his "money issues" and that he had been avoiding spending time with me because he was seeing this girl. He had told me in the past that he would tell me if he was considering getting into a relationship because he "cared about me and didn't want to hurt me."

The second time he started coming around again was 8 months later when his new relationship ended (at his doing). The VERY DAY his relationship ended he sent me texts and then started calling me. Eventually I called him back and he wanted to come over that night. I declined and then he asked "What about the next night...what about the night after that?" until I gave in and said he could come over in a few days. Our "friendship" continued as it had before, but he got back on the dating websites and started looking for a new girlfriend.

The first time he disappeared from my life I took to the Internet to try and figure out what my gut told me was pretty cold behavior. I realize now there were many red flags:

1. Sometimes he would just ignore text messages.
2. He made subtle digs at my weight and my intelligence.
3. If I expressed discomfort with his lack of communication, he would act like I was being unreasonable.
4. He said nothing when I told him about my grandmother's death.
5. He was incredibly jealous whenever I mentioned another male (it seemed like he felt I "belonged" to him)
6. He told me very little about his family (except to gain sympathy about how his father treated him poorly or to mock something a sibling had done)
7. When I told him I got him something for Christmas, he made me get him something else even though he knew I already had something for him
8. I told him I was excited to become an aunt and he said he was surprised I was so excited because he wasn't excited when he found out he was becoming an uncle

The final straw was when he asked to come over on New Year's Eve and he wanted to be all cuddly with me. Then his demeanor completely changed with me shortly after that, but then a few weeks later he finally managed to drop off my Christmas gifts (almost a month after Christmas). I got so frustrated that I asked him to call me a few days later and then he told me that he was seeing someone (a woman he used to date years ago but decided wasn't 'marriage material." The worst part was that I found out that they've been "officially" in a relationship for a month and half as of the beginning of February, which means he was dating her and still cozying up to me on New Years Eve!

I told him never to contact me again that same day and so far he's listened, but I am VERY concerned he'll be back at some point. But he seems to be playing the role of excellent boyfriend right now.

Does this sound like a narc?

[yarlanzey]

This very much sounds like a narc to me. The love bombing, the jealousy, the triangulation...

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. It sounds like a long and heartbreaking on/off relationship with this person. It makes perfect sense you are left with more questions than answers.

Something that has been helpful for me when coming here reeling from inexplicable, inconsistent, confusing hot/cold behaviors from someone we believe loves us and wants a relationship with us is to focus on behaviors - reading through the Personality Disorders drop down info for example - was really good to validate the swirl my head could get into with all of it and the self doubt that would bring.

No one here can tell you if this person is personality disordered because we are not qualified to diagnose another. What we can do is support you in your healing and processing all you have experienced. There is a great group of folks on our Separating and Divorcing board that would be a great jumping in place for you after this breakup.

Take a look around and make good use of all of the resources available here - great books, online resources and great conversations with others who sadly, get it.

I wish you peace and healing and look forward to supporting you.

[hopefulforthefuture2021]

Really sorry to hear about this.  My dating life has had hints of this type of behavior with some guys I have unfortunately crossed paths with.  It's incredible how many lives these people affect in such painful ways.  It sounds like he's spending so much time and energy in this chaotic dating cycle and has negatively affected so many women in his circle.  I often wonder how people like this have time to focus on their work and daily life activities.  I dated someone a little similar briefly and he did not work much, was barely taking care of himself financially and in many other ways, and naturally expected whoever he was dating at the time to take care of him more than is appropriate or healthy in a loving relationship.  He would jump from one woman to the next.  I felt sorry for him for a long time (I knew what was happening in his life because of a shared social circle) but then after really thinking through things, realized he had narcissistic traits and that is why I felt anxious about important things when we dated and it ended up not working out.  Not the worst guy, but not the best guy either.  Definitely needs to work on himself.  This guy sounds similar but more chaotic and possibly more narcissistic.   These experiences have made me a much more aware person and have definitely highlighted what I am not looking for in a relationship and what I am looking for.  I hope this unfortunate experience brings you the same insight.  :-)