Mom wants me to "make amends"

[LOLmylife]

TL;DR: my mother wants me to "make amends" with my toxic sibling that I went NC with after the sibling assaulted me while pregnant. I will have to see this sibling in person soon & do not know how to interact with them.

Background: my sibling has a long history of abusing me (physically, verbally & emotionally) and the last straw for me was a year ago while I was pregnant. I had found my sibling passed out in a parking lot with drugs and drove them home where they live with our mom, and they attacked me to get the drugs back. I told them that I supported them getting into treatment but that I had to cut them out for mine and my unborn child's safety. The were livid and attempted to triangulate my mother throughout the pregnancy, culminating in them trying to covertly control the baby shower my mom had planned. I put my foot down and told my mother that I did not want my sibling to choose the menu or be involved (they proposed items that I couldn't even eat due to pregnancy & allergies). I took over planning and did not invite the sibling to the shower. My mother was upset I didn't involve the sibling and insisted I "get over it" and move beyond whatever happened "in the past" (including all the childhood abuse). One day, i dropped off a crockery to my mothers house (which I haven't visited due to my sibling living there) and the sibling ran out of the house to screaming at me, and I said "Im not doing this" and went to leave. They slammed my door shut, chased me around the car, grabbed my hair and punched my head before throwing me on the ground, where my mom threw herself across me to prevent further assault. Police did nothing. I maintained NC.
After I gave birth, my mother (who previously was very close with me) became more distant and then COVID happened, so we didn't see much of her. Fast forward to the Fall--my mom went out of state to care for my oldest sibling who was dying of cancer. My sister passed away last month and my mother is understandably distraught.
She is insisting that I "make amends" with my abusive sibling and apologize to her.
I know from past experience that my sibling will not own up to her behavior, blame it on drugs, excuse it, and launch into everything I've done wrong (which included telling a mutual friend about the assault and refusing to let her back into my life).
I'm frustrated because my mom excuses her behavior, expects me to "be the bigger person", and seems to equate my siblings behaviors as equally offensive to mine (speaking about the abuse and holding my NC boundary). Even though mom witnessed everything, she is minimizing, which hurts...

I can understand why she wants us all to get along, but I really don't feel safe around my unpredictable sibling. I've told my mom that "the ball is in [siblings] court and they are welcome to call me when they are ready to own their behavior and apologize". I know they won't call me, so it's kind of a win since I continue to offer a fig leaf but refuse to make the first move.
This bothers my mom, who strongly implies that I should be the "bigger person" and contact them first.

It's upsetting to me that, despite pretty clear victim/oppressor roles here, I am always expected to make peace with my abuser, let bygones be bygones, and move past everything like nothing happened.

Given my sister's death, I DO want to meet my mom halfway on this making amends issue. I don't know if I should keep repeating my "doors open, ball's in their court" or how to respond going forward.

I will have to see this sibling next month for the memorial, so I'm trying to practice how to respond & not react to the inevitable vicious barbs (ex. Based on past behavior, i think they will definitely accuse me of cruelty for "keeping them from meeting their niece" [something they used with another LC sibling] and "spreading rumors" about them by confessing to the abuse in order to seek support, and "not supporting them when they needed me most" to get through their drug addiction).

What advice or techniques could you suggest for the above scenarios when I have to see them at the memorial?

[all4peace]

LOLmylife, welcome to this forum! Congratulations on the birth of your little one! And I'm also so sorry about the loss of your oldest sibling.

Your story is really tough. There are so many losses in this story, and I'm so sorry for the abuse that you've endured and are being asked to "get over." When I read your words, I get a very strong sense of you having a good sense of self, your boundaries, what is reasonable, how you should be treated, and how unfair and unjust it is that your mother is asking of you.

I see the details of your situation sorting into a few areas:
*you being physically safe at the memorial (will your little one be with you?). If your physical safety is in question, and if you are determined to go, do you have someone who can be like a body guard for you?
*you being emotionally safe. It sounds like you're aware of what your addicted sibling is likely to fling at you. Can you imagine being able to let those words bounce off you, or do you think the barbs will stick? If the latter, again, do you have someone who can run interference for you?
*another possibility I can imagine--depending on how your sibling might react--is to send the addicted sibling fair warning of how you intend to react if they try to verbally or physically assault you in any way. It would really depend on your particular situation whether this would make it better or worse.
*does your sibling thrive on scenes in public? It sounds like the scenarios you've described here weren't very public. The difficult people in my life abhor a public scene, and so if that's similar to your sibling then it might help to never, ever be alone at the memorial so that there is a constant witness to your sibling's behavior.

Your mother seems to be asking you to behave "as if".... "as if" your sibling is safe, predictable, mutually loving.
You are allowed to behave "as is"...as your sibling actually is.

Unhealthy families stay in operation by hiding what's really going on and expecting all the family members to put up, shut up, and put on a good show. You don't have to do this if you don't want to. Just my thoughts. Hope it helps. Again, welcome!

[LOLmylife]

AllForPeace thank you for your response
To answer your questions, I do feel I can be safe physically in public in dealing with the sibling because, as you've observed, our PD relatives prefer not to make their behaviors public/engage in more covert abuses (lest the mask come off and everyone see for themselves).
I do intend to bring my child (simply due to lack of childcare) and my SO who has been a truly stable force of support in dealing with my FOO. I intend to discuss his comfort level with being my buffer/body guard before we have to attend this memorial.

You make a good point about this being public, so it seems like the best option is for me to continue on as I have been & just await her actions on the day of the event (historically, this sibling has waited until the very last minute to "sneak" back into our lives, making it awkward & giving lottle room to refuse--like waiting out front in the car after dropping mom off for the holidays & demanding mom plead with the family to let PD sibling join)


The recent loss of my oldest sister has made things more challenging & I want to be gentle with my mother, but she is definitely putting me in an "as if" rather than "as is" situation. I wonder if, despite being witness to the behaviors, my sibling has just been able to gaslight & minimize until mom has accepted a totally different reality?

In any event, I thank you for your perspective & will continue making safe boundaries my priority. It feels empowering to have someone recognize tje hard emotional work Ive done to get here 😀

[Andeza]

I want to point out a separate issue. Your mother is not owning her behavior either. Trying to force you to reconcile with someone who is dangerous is deluded at best, sadistic at worst. Regardless, it is indicative of some manner of disfunction that she carries as well. Please keep this in mind. Her demands, implications, and requests are NOT for your best interests, but rather for HERS. It would make HER feel better if you sucked it up, swept the old crap under the rug, and just took your beatings. But it would destroy you, ultimately.

I encourage you to step back and examine the rest of your family of origin and determine what exactly their motivations are. Do they have your best interests at heart? Do they not? The answers to those questions will help you decide who you do and do not take advice from. In this case, your mother is wrong.

How much longer does she expect you to be the bigger person? Indefinitely? At what point is too much too much and she'll accept it as well? She doesn't have that limit from what you've written here.

You can be gentle with your mother and still say no.

[Breakthrough]

Wow, I am so sorry you had to endure that abuse while pregnant.  I am also sorry to hear about your eldest sibling.  One thing that becoming a mother helped me with was learning to have healthy boundaries to keep my priorities in order.  My marriage and child, and the safety of them came above the other relationships.  First with my uNPD MIL, which was hard because she trampled boundaries and we had to work on putting them back in place.  I went no contact for a while.  It helped a lot to just have peace from her manipulations and demands.  Right now I am working on better boundaries with my own PD sister.  She is very bad for my mental health, and I need to stay strong both for my family and to do my very demanding job.  I have recent gone no contact with her too.  I will probably have to have some contact with her at some point, and my mom is always asking me to make amends (my sister will not do it, because she is never in the wrong).  We have gone through this before, but I have gotten to the point where no contact with her is such a relief.  I don't feel the constant stress of a difficult person that I feel obligated to have in my life.  If something happened that required a family gathering, I am not sure what we'd do, as she has banned me from her home and any function she wants to attend with family.  I would of course attend anyway for something like this, as that's not up to her.  Trying to put myself in your shoes, I would practice staying calm, and have an exit strategy for if this sibling tries to escalate things.  Make sure to stick to places that seem neutral, and around neutral people (for example the staff at the event), to add that buffer of people.  Come in your own vehicle or with your partner so you can leave when you need to, do not go in the same car as your mom.  I had to practice medium chill and Grey rocking before having to interact with my MIL again after a period of no contact.  It was so stressful to have to interact with her at all, but practicing that calm, even demeanour and avoiding answering questions that could spark something really helped.  If I do have contact with my sister again, I will definitely need to do that, as she has spent a lifetime pushing my buttons and making me hurt mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically.  She is very good at it and knows all the buttons to push.  I think interacting with her would be a lot harder, as it's the boundary issue, if I say stop, she won't, she'd probably follow me around until I broke down, because she has done it in the past.  That is where I would take my exit strategy.  Right now, the only way to have healthy boundaries for me is to block her phone.  I didn't used to want to do that because my parents lived with her, but that's not the case now, so it's not an issue at all.  I have decided my mental health is worth it.  I definitely show signs on CPTSD from being in an abusive situation as a child, and it has effected my adult relationships, I have isolated myself quite a bit.  I feel like I am taking back my life.  Please keep yourself safe.  Also, my mother usually appeals to me, mostly because though it's unspoken, my family all knows I am the reasonable one.  My sister has had blow outs like this with almost everyone in my family at some point, but since I am her subject of abuse, it's much more frequent with me.  Me standing up for myself or setting reasonable boundaries is seen as antagonizing her.  My mom doesn't want to admit this, because honestly, I think they know this sister has issues, and a lot of it falls on their shoulders as they were abusive to her growing up (me too, but to a lesser extent, and me being able to retreat into my own head or a book or my imagination helped save me, plus the fact that I am very empathetic).  Moms just want everyone to get along, but that doesn't acknowledge the pain that causes some of us.  To me, having little to no contact at with this sibling, even if it means a lot less contact with my other family that I really get along with, is worth the peace of mind it brings.  I need to stay out of her created drama in order to stay healthy for myself and my kids.  I have a lot of work to do on that front, as something seems to derail my progress every few months.  I am determined to prioritize my own health so my kids don't suffer from me retreating into my own head and withdrawing, which has been my defence mechanism to these unpleasant, stressful, and abusive interactions.  Please prioritize yourself and your own little family.  You deserve it.

[LOLmylife]

.  Also, my mother usually appeals to me, mostly because though it's unspoken, my family all knows I am the reasonable one.  My sister has had blow outs like this with almost everyone in my family at some point, but since I am her subject of abuse, it's much more frequent with me.  Me standing up for myself or setting reasonable boundaries is seen as antagonizing her. 

Wow I can relate to thus so much! The idea that my mither finds my having boundaries with my sibling as "antagonistic" really sums it up. It's hurtful that, despite witnessing and intervening in the assault, that she feels these events are equally offensive.
Thank you for your tips, I will definitely stick with neutral parties & avoid giving emotional responses to feed her drama supply

Good luck with your own family--its hard but being NC has been a relief & allows space for personal growth because we aren't constantly in crisis mode trying to respond or strategize safely around the PDs behavior. It's exhausting just thinking about reengaging her on any level

[AlisonWonder]

There is a saying about "flogging the willing horse" out of a pair of horses pulling your cart.  Sad but true.