Please help me!

[rosie85]

For the first time in 17 years I made a concrete step. I went to the court and had a protective order put out to have my (undiagnosed) narcissistic husband removed from the house. We have 2 kids aged 11 & 8, and on his last emotionally and verbally abusive tirade, I gathered the kids quickly while he was in the basement and left.

I begged him to leave voluntarily so that I didn't have to misplace the kids and we could separate peacefully...he refused because he knows his name is on the lease. I've left the house before for 1-2 or 3 nights...but always returned. This time I feel like I've made such a final move. The court granted a 1 week temporary removal of him from the house and custody of the kids, but on Wednesday I have to go for a final permanent hearing...where he can come and testify. I have threatening texts as well as a text where he threatened to destroy my things if I didn't bring the kids back. He broke my glasses that I left behind and texted me a picture of them also.

My kids are distraught. They want him to come home. He's allowed to call them, they call several times a day. I hate it. He's oblivious to the hell I've been in for so long. He recently lost his job and his car, so I'm not even sure why he wants to stay knowing he can't even pay the bills if I left.

I know what's rational is for my to go to court and press permanent removal, but why does that feel so WRONG?? Am I crazy?!?! As it gets closer to Wednesday, I just don't feel like I can make it....

Please help me made a sound decision. I don't want him to come back, but I don't want him to stay away . I hate the feeling of being responsible for putting someone out of their home. WTF!!!!!!! Please help me yall!

[Poison Ivy]

It is entirely rational to press for your husband's permanent physical removal from the house, so that you can be separated from him and be more safe. I know it's scary, but it's the right thing to do. Can a friend or family member go to the hearing with you?

[ChillNow]

Dear Rosie85,

I wish you extra peace and courage right now.  It must feel surreal that the person you had romantic feelings for has now smashed your glasses, communicated threats, etc, etc.  He has shown you who he is - in abundance.

Your kids are confused and torn and mistakenly long for normalcy.  But you, as the adult, know SO MUCH MORE about him than your kids do.  In time they will understand, thank you and RESPECT the courage you showed by respecting yourself and creating an emotionally safer environment for them.

Please don't hesitate to post candidly on here.  There is such encouragement and good advice to be had.   I did not need a protective order but others on here did and can help.

[rosie85]

It is entirely rational to press for your husband's permanent physical removal from the house, so that you can be separated from him and be more safe. I know it's scary, but it's the right thing to do. Can a friend or family member go to the hearing with you?

I have a friend going who will keep me accountable, but I have toyed with sabotaging it so she doesn't come. I am terrified to not have him come back. Like, abnormally anxious. I'm thinking of even hiring council to speak for me...it's too much for me.

[Poison Ivy]

If you are able to have a lawyer appear with you and speak for you, PLEASE DO.

[IcedCoffee]

If you can afford it, yes get a lawyer. My understanding, and a tiny bit of experience, is that you have to stand up to a narcissist. A lawyer will send a very clear message to him. And also to the court officials. Narcissists often represent themselves in court (after all, they think they are so smart!), and it can't hurt to emphasize the difference between the mental states of you both. I.e. you are the victim and he is the one with a PD.

[LiftingFog]

I also think you should at least talk to a lawyer, especially since kids are involved.

Before you hire one, please make sure he/she is well versed in high conflict divorces with those w/ borderline personality disorders.  Otherwise, your narc husband will wind up manipulating them, as well as you.