Six months of NC and now a birthday card arrives

[feelingandhealing]

I am posting this as a new thread because the existing and similarly titled thread has not been posted in for > 90 days.

Earlier this month, I achieved six months of NC with my uNPDM. My birthday will be in a few days, and a birthday card has arrived from uNPD.   

Sarando, if you are still out there, I can totally relate to a mother who has always associated money and gifts with love. For whatever reason(s), my uNPDM would always shower my brother and I with gifts/money at Christmas and on birthdays and shit on us throughout the rest of the year.

The past several years, my birthday card has usually included a gift card for fuel. It is ridiculous that she includes a gift card when she barely has enough money to get by. I think last year there was no gift card, thankfully. Anyway, the envelope of this year's birthday card is taped with plenty of scotch tape. That kinda says to me that there is something of value in the envelope..... at least that is what my young self tells me as that is what uNPDM would do to envelopes that contain value like a cheque or a gift card.

uNPDM is all about hijacking special days, e.g., last year she had my DW and I over for a dinner to celebrate my birthday. It sure did not feel like a celebration. Anyway, after the dinner, uNPD (who has had much health problems such as cancer and heart issues) proceeded to end up with an angina attack and needed to be rushed to the hospital. Thankfully my brother was in town that day and he took her to the hospital. Since then she has, of course, been symptom free.   

Receiving a birthday card after being NC for six months has triggered me and has got me fired up. Receiving the card has made me feel violated and that she is not respecting the boundary of NC. I have not told her I have gone NC and I don't plan on telling her. Surely she knows by now that I have gone NC as I have not communicated with her at all.... not even on her birthday, at Thanksgiving or at Christmas. It's like I want to ask her, "what part of 'I am NC with you' do you not understand?!" I of course will not be wasting my time to ask her that question.

Over the past six months, uNPDM has attempted some contact although, surprisingly and thankfully, she has not attempted to contact me via other family members or my friends. She has attempted contact via texts and emails. I have not read them and have since blocked them. She has called a couple times. Can you guess on which days she has called? Yup, it was on Christmas Day and New Years Day. I have since blocked her but that does not prevent her from being able to leave a voicemail. She has left me one, on New Years Day, and I deleted it without listening to it.

And she has sent greeting cards. She sent DW and I an anniversary card, which I opened and read and put in the garbage, and she sent a Christmas card. I did not open it but I did set it aside and still have it.

So I find myself in the situation where uNPDM is attempting to break the NC, once again, and passively putting me in the position where I need to make a decision and act on it. As the adult that I am (or am trying to be LOL), I get to decide what I am going to do with her birthday card. I see at least five possible actions I can take: 1) open and read the card 2) open, read the card and reply to her 3) ignore the card by putting it somewhere out of sight and thus, kinda out of mind 4) put the card in the garbage 5) send her a request to stop sending me greeting cards in future.

Like Starboard Song said in a similar thread

important -- I do not want to replace the peace of NC with the stress of a demented penpal.

So I have decided that I will be throwing both the birthday card and the Christmas card in the garbage. Hell, I may even cut them up before putting them in the garbage.

While I am out putting the cards in the garbage, I plan to go into the local library to get a couple of travel DVDs about Mexico. This is usually the week that DW and I escape the winter and go to MX. And as we (and all of us) are unable to travel during this pandemic, we are going to watch the DVDs and pretend we are in that beautiful country. 

I do actually want to ask for your guidance on a couple things. And I will finally get to my questions soon. Receiving that damn birthday card resulted in me once again feeling sad, grief and anger. I believe I am at the point where I am grieving the relationship that I never had with my Mom due to her uNPD. I went NC in order to protect myself and DW from further emotional abuse and narcissistic trauma. I am staying NC because there is no relationship to salvage with my uNPDM. 

What I want to ask your guidance on is..... what is the best way to stop the greeting cards from coming in the future, and have you found that it is better to return greeting cards to the sender or to put them in the garbage?

[Hilltop]

Hey feelingandhealing.  I think the best action is to throw the card away and not give any reaction.  If you want to do NC then returning the card is a reaction and would only invite drama.

I think even if you have decided to go NC that doesn't mean other people have decided that as well and to them they may believe that sending a card is keeping the door open.  Yes we talk about hoovering etc however if your mother has always sent a card, then sending one now is no different.  She is doing what she has always done.

You say that you haven't told her you are NC.  You have not communicated your boundaries.  In this case I don't think your mother is breaching them considering she doesn't know.  In saying that I don't think you need to tell her or state it however I also wouldn't assume she understands after 6 months.  Most likely she thinks something is up.

Yes block her number on your phone and emails and that will make it easier. I don't think there is any way to stop those cards coming.   We can't control or change others, they will still do what they feel is right.

If you are triggered I would make this less about her and more about you.  You are triggered, so look at that.  If you are feeling something don't ignore it and drown it out by thinking about what your mother is doing. I would make this about healing for yourself.

I am new to NC as well and I still get cards and my mother is still texting my DH and calling my inlaws.  I cannot control those other relationships and I just throw away the cards she sends.  I don't know what will happen in the future.

I hope you are feeling better.

[TwentyTwenty]

Hi, I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Harassment is against the law. It is illegal and emotionally and eventually physically damaging.

We used to get cards, e-cards and presents.

After having our lawyer threaten to prosecute them for their illegal behavior by sending them a cease and desist order, my life and happiness improved exponentially.

I don't have to throw anything away or donate anything to Goodwill anymore, because everything stopped!

No stress, no mental anguish... just day after day of joy and peace.

I hope that you can get to the happiness that you deserve!

[blues_cruise]

I agree with Hilltop and I think it most likely that your mother doesn't understand that you are no contact with her or that there is any boundary in place to respect. I still get cards from my father years later and I think it's unsurprising as he's just doing the socially expected thing, as he's always done. I was the one who wanted to stop communicating after all, not him. Older generations tend to remain really big on the whole greetings card thing too and see it as a social obligation, so it stands to reason. To expect him to understand is unrealistic since he has the emotional maturity of a three year old and won't have done the inner work to form such a conclusion. To do so would require a level of empathy that he just isn't capable of.

Saying that, I know how much emotion comes up when a card arrives. Sometimes it makes me angry, but largely I end up feeling major anxiety followed by grief. I do empathise about being triggered. What I've started doing is asking my husband to be in charge of checking the post the week before my birthday and then reading through and seeing if there's anything of importance in anything that's been received from my father (i.e. major health issues, any indication of self awareness... ) If there are any gifts these can be simply donated to local charities. I did receive a box of opened  chocolates a couple of years ago though which I threw away. I'm always on edge regardless because my nervous system expects something horrible to happen (have had some bad birthdays where uNF used them to 'punish' me). I can't control what he chooses to send though, all I can control is my own actions. I think the only way you can stop any future cards or gifts is to communicate to your mother that you don't want to receive them, though she might not respect this.

I think PD parents use occasions to try to force contact since it's just easy and largely expected that families communicate on certain days of the year. It's the "obligation" aspect of FOG. I think the grief, anger and fear we feel when receiving birthday cards are underlying feelings that we need to address and process, it just sucks that it all arises on a day that's supposed to be a celebration.

Happy birthday to you and I hope you manage to find some peace when the day arrives. I recommend trying to distract yourself as much as possible and focusing on the present as far as you can. It's when we ruminate on our parents that birthdays get hard. 

[feelingandhealing]

Thanks for the replies/suggestions/guidance/well wishes. I really appreciate it. The replies are validating and encouraging.

I have cut up the un-opened birthday (and Christmas) card(s) and have put them in the garbage.

You make good points regarding the fact a boundary cannot be breached if it has not been clearly communicated. And as the 86-year-old that my uNPDM is, she isn't going to change at that age, so its only natural for her to send a greeting card as she has always done. 

I am working on my healing. I continue to journal, receive therapy, read self-help books and read/post on this forum.

I agree that

it just sucks that it all arises on a day that's supposed to be a celebration.

I have been very focused on working on healing over the past six months and then a bump (ie the birthday card) along the journey arises and causes me to temporarily stumble. Yet, that is just how life seems to go. So I am now back on the healing journey. I want to enjoy my birthday (and all your encouraging replies are helping with that) yet due to the FOG, I admittedly am struggling a bit to be pleased, relax and celebrate my special day. Regardless, there will be a celebration   

[Call Me Cordelia]

Happy birthday, feelingandhealing. :-)

[nanotech]

Happy Birthday!

[feelingandhealing]

Call Me Cordella and nanotech, sincere thanks for the birthday wishes. My birthday turned out to be very special this year.

In addition to grieving the relationship I never had with my uNPDM and working on re-parenting myself, I have recently been re-connecting with the father I never knew. I have been trying to shed the toxic shame, regarding his being gay, that was instilled in me by my uNPDM. It seems so strange now to have carried shame regarding something that is not to have shame about. Yet, times sure were different back in the 60s/70s/80s. Anyway, I recently drove an hour to his gravesite (he died from AIDS in 1989) where I haven't been in more than 20 years. It was an intense emotional experience for me    Upon getting to his gravestone, I fell on my knees in the snow and had a good proper cry.  I don't recall ever having had a birthday with my Dad (he left when I was five and I only saw him 3-4 times after that), so it was a wonderful experience to have spent some of my birthday this year with him.

Later, I returned home and enjoyed some of my favourite food and drink with my DW. It was a very special day

[Boat Babe]

That's really beautiful. Thanks for sharing f&h. Wishing you a wonderful year ahead.

[nanotech]

Bless you so much. I'm glad you spent that precious time with your dad.

I'm very familiar with the hijacking of special days, where it becomes all about them (illness or some other sort of perceived victim hood). Or it becomes about our punishment.

Well done for having the birthday you wanted. That, after all is what's supposed to happen! 😄🎉xx

It took me an age to realise that.
It's the brainwashing, it goes deep.  X