I made a mistake

[Associate of Daniel]

For all of its awfulness, there have been some good effects of Covid 19.

One has been that ds14 has not had his usual weekly sports game. 

Although hard for him, I selfishly have been so thankful for not having to be anywhere near his uNPD father and, particularly, his uNPD smother.

She is the coach and manager of the team.

So, yesterday was the first game back and I... chickened out.

I dropped ds at the door, waited for the uNPD smother to make eye contact with from a distance, and drove off.

I thought that having nearly a year of not seeing her would make me stronger.  But no.  I just couldn't face her.

The pit in my stomach had returned.

I'd already told ds I wouldn't attend the game, making the (truthful) excuse of work. (Covid has created all sorts of headaches with work that are taking up huge amounts of time.) I also made the (again truthful) excuse of not being comfortable with the number of people likely to attend. It would be very hard to stick to the government regulations.

I didn't know that ds's father was also not attending.  He'd apparently decided to compete in a bike race 100 kms away.

I'd told the uNPD smother that I wouldn't be attending and she'd responded that she'd checked with the club specifically for me to get their permission for me to attend.  So therefore, why didn't I want to see ds play?

Such a typical lie followed by a typical accusation.  I wonder if she said the same to her husband (my uNPD exH and ds's father).

Anyway, I'd appreciate  some kind words of encouragement and strength to get me across the line for the next game.  You folks are so good at picking others up when we need it.

I'd grown used to not seeing them.  To not hiding behind poles and around corners from them. To not having to guard my words and body language.

Gah!  Does it ever get any better? Or easier?

AOD

[pushit]

I think the best thing possible for you would be to flip your mindset and absolutely stop giving a damn about what smother and exh think or say.  Just go to the games, sit far away from them if you need to, but be there for your ds.  Make it about him, and release whatever tension the other two cause.

This is the path I chose.  I attended birthday parties and events where I was the only one from my side of the family there, surrounded by my ex, ex in laws, ex's cousins, etc.  I'm talking like just a month or two after I filed and left, the divorce was in the early stages and I was public enemy number 1.  The first few times were stressful, but I held my head high and always remained polite no matter what they said or how much they gave me the cold shoulder.  I just put the kids first in my mind and didn't want them to wonder why Dad didn't come.  Because no matter what we tell them, the kids will just remember that we rarely came to their events.  They don't understand what the other side is doing to us, they just internalize it and think we didn't show up because of something to do with them.

Believe it or not, that's the way to make it get easier.  When I attend events these days, her side of the family doesn't bother to interact with me in any way.  Through being bold and not backing down I've sent them the message that I will be there no matter how they treat me.  If I had let them intimidate me and let it stop me from coming, they would have won.  If that happens there really are no winners, everyone would have lost out on something, especially the kids.

Also, if you keep showing up and get to know some of the other parents, you'll find there are some who don't care for smother too much, or mostly find they don't care about whatever tension you may greatly feel.  I found that the other parents treat me well if I just act like an adult and shrug off any drama my ex tries to create.  At the beginning it felt like I was an outsider and my exPDw had everyone on her side, over time I realized that is definitely not the case.  99% of people just treat us as two separate individuals and don't care about whatever went on between us.

[Heavyhat]

Oof, I feel you. I don't want to be anywhere near my SD's unpdbm. She's scary and threatening! I get chills just watching from the car when DH drops off or picks up. Avoidance is a perfectly natural response to abuse. It's self preservation!

My mom rarely came to my games for years bc my pd dad was there every. Single. Time. And it didn't make me happy that he was there every time. In fact it made me mad that he was so stubborn and couldn't skip one here or there so my mom felt more comfortable attending. The whole thing just made ME uncomfortable and I had to try to ignore it so I could concentrate on my game.

My current situation also stinks but this is what helps me get my strength back; knowing that the love we have in this house is genuine and unconditional. I know that my SD feels free to express herself here and that we're not playing games with her mind and heart. I also know that a lot of people have come to recognize her mom's anger and abusive tactics over the years, which is sad but also validating.

Good luck. I'm rooting for you from the stands!

[athene1399]

Hello, AoD. I am sorry SM made such a big deal out of you not able to attend your son's game. I get my courage to face BM from my spite I think. I don't want her to know how much she bothers me so I go to things. But I also always had SO with me too and that made it easier. This may be difficult with Covid, but can you bring a friend or a family member with you so you aren't sitting alone? Also, when there, try to not even look at SM. Pretend she doesn't even exist if you can.

[Penny Lane]

I am sorry you're dealing with this! Here the kids are not yet back in extracurriculars and as much as I'm sad for them, it has been sanity-saving for us. I'm not looking forward to being in your position although it'll probably happen in the near future.

Wasn't it the stepmom who used to tell you not to come to these events and who used to try to block you from the information you needed to come? Total double bind - when you want to come, she prevents it, when you don't want to go, you get a condescending lecture.

First of all, you can do it! It's unpleasant to be around them for sure. Maybe it would help to think of the worst case scenario (she confronts you?) and make a plan for what you would do (say "ex can send me an email if he wants to discuss this" and walk away - or whatever makes sense for you.) It sucks, but you can survive it - we know you can, because you've done it before.

Second, I don't think you need to go to every single game. Both my parents (nons, and still married) didn't both attend even most of my games. Would it be easier for you if you decided you were going to, say, every other event or once per month? Maybe it'd be easier to steel yourself if it was less frequent. And if you get on a schedule your DS will know that he can count on you to be there regularly even if not always.

Third, is there someone you can bring with you? A friend or a parent or a sibling or whatever. (That is why I go to extracurriculars - so BM can't catch DH alone. I mean obviously I like seeing the kids too, but the real goal is that DH, their parent, is there, and my presence makes that easier). If not can you be extra friendly with other parents? Sometimes there's a camaraderie, some places are more everyone does their own thing, so it may or may not be possible. But if there are a couple friendly faces there, I think emotionally it will be easier for you.

Good luck, stay strong, remember it doesn't matter what the stepmother thinks - what matters is how DS feels.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks everyone.

The games happen during ds's time with me and I drive him to them.  I feel I ought to attend - I'm there in the carpark anyway.

I don't have anyone to take with me.  Times like that I wish I had a partner.  But then again, the drama that would induce from the pds- it probably wouldn't be worth it.

I think once I start going again I'll feel stronger to keep doing it.

I really don't care what they think of me.  I have a clear conscience and what they they think of me is usually so far from the truth it's staggering and laughable.

The problem is more that I'm so sick of having to be someone else in order to protect myself.  I don't hide behind poles and corners around anyone else in my life!

I had a chat with ds about the situation.  He wants me there.  He just doesn't want his uNPD smother and me to talk to each other.

I think I bit a hole in my tongue to stop from asking him to tell his uNPD smother that as well.  She's the one who speaks to me.  Not the other way around.

AOD

[GettingOOTF]

In situations like this I find it helpful to figure out what my actual long term goal
is. There is usually discomfort in all options so I choose the discomfort that will get me closer to where I ultimately want to be. Like in my divorce my focus was on retaining my assets so I subjected myself to a lot of time with my ex who wanted to have dinner. get together to talk etc. as this kept him calm and more agreeable.  Years later I am financially secure and the discomfort of those times has faded. I could just as easily have given in to my ex to get him out of my life sooner. I wouldn’t be in such a great position today, but I would have avoided all that awful time biting my tongue and playing along with my ex.

There is no wrong choice in these situations but each choice comes at a cost. I find it most helpful to take the long view. In a few years you won’t ever have to deal with your son’s stepmother again, but your son will still be in your life.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, Getting Out of the FOG.

Well, I made it through today's game.  There was one interaction when she demanded I fill ds's drink bottle.  That tone she uses!

I sat in the corner of the court and didn't talk to anyone, mainly because I'm unwell and don't want to talk to anyone. Then I skedaddled back to the car as soon as the game was over, and waited for ds.

How does she manage to suck the life out of me? Just being in her presence is exhausting.  She's like a dementor from Harry Potter. And she'd love that reference as she's an HP fan.

AOD

[pushit]

It helps to remember that other people are noticing how she treats you, including ds.  People that see her rude tone and demeanor towards you are likely forming their own negative opinions of her.  If you keep going, sit a little closer each time, and interact pleasantly with other parents, things will get better.  Eventually it will become apparent that people keep smother at a distance and aren't really that close with her.  It gets so much easier at that point, you'll be able to relax and be yourself, and let any rude behavior roll right off.  Then surprisingly, the PD behavior will lessen as they are no longer getting the reaction out of you that they desire.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi AoD,

I know you are aware, but what you are feeling is completely normal and says absolutely nothing about you.  It says everything about smum.  I used to shake when we would be near BM, and I am a person who always prided myself in being able to "handle most any situation".  We haven't seen BM face to face since COVID started, and with all the horror COVID has reigned on the world....that has been a blessing. 

In the past, in the rare case I was alone at an event with BM, I stayed as far as I could from her....and as close as I could to other parents.  You don't have to talk to the other parents, but I found it would at least be an obstacle to her coming over and saying nasty things to me.  Talking to the other parents was an extra level of protection imo, because not only would they see that BM was nasty, they would already know that I didn't seem to be. 

The other thing you can do if it looks like she is coming up to you for a confrontation is pull your phone out of your pocket, look at it, and say "oh, I'm sorry...I need to take this.." and just walk away.   Easy "get away plan" :-)

[sevenyears]

AOD - you did it.

I don't have any advice in addition to what others have already given you. Stepping Lightly's suggestion about the phone is great. "receive" a call each time SM approaches you.

Lots of encouragement to you for the next time.