How do you manage anger and resentment?

[DesertRose]

My marriage and personal well being have suffered due to the cruelty and scheming and lack of empathy of my PD in laws and the many times (mainly earlier in our marriage) that DH chose them above what was best for our marriage. They kept putting him in positions to make him choose and acting like it was all just incidental and unintentional when it clearly was their intention- especially from SIL.

While our marriage has gotten better and DH has begun to see the problem and has taken a number of stands to "choose us" when they are trying to make him choose we still haven't been able to talk through all of the losses our relationship suffered due to his disloyalty to our marriage and their lies and games. There are times when I re live it due to various triggers and when I feel resentful. So many special moments have been taken from our marriage. I can think of one moment that was an official milestone in my life (not our marriage, something else) when I was supposed to walk up to an official ceremony along with family. I had invited DHs family, at that point not knowing they were PD. An announcement was made "will the family members please come up to stand beside and walk with the recipients (me)." DH came up and stood right beside me. PDmil came up, took his arm with both of her hands, looked up at him with a big smile, and he said "oooh, is this how it is supposed to be?" And walked the entire way at my event with HER and I walked alone and my family of origin were unable to come due to distance and cost so DH was all I had. PDmil had pdfil there with her. She could have held his arm if she wanted an arm, but no. I didn't want to make a scene or ruin the atmosphere of my own special event as other ppl were there too in the same position I was (recipients at this ceremony). It took forever for me to be able to talk to DH about it. Now he gets it but I can't have that moment back. Our relationship can't have that special moment back. PdSIL acted like a drama Queen during our engagement to the point where PDmil and PDfil had a special getaway outing with her instead of attending our engagement party. PDSIL was constantly making a huge issue herself, acting like she wasn't being properly thought of, properly recognised, refusing to talk to us when we called her to announce our engagement because 8pm was "too late for a call and if we wanted to talk to her we should have called sooner" and pouting and acting like we hadn't treated her as important bc we waited until 8pm. On and on - her attitudes constantly made DH sad bc he did not have the sister he cared about rejoicing with him - instead it was all about her.

DH doesn't see the losses the way I do. Because his family were constantly able to make him feel bad and make him choose which caused division between us a a couple, we had an extremely rough beginning to our marriage. DH is only just now willing to start talking about it. I definitely have anger and resentment about it. How do I deal with this and process it? Just not thinking about it doesn't work. Talking to DH so he sees what happened helps tremendously - but that is coming along slowly when it comes to discussing and rehashing the past instances where my trust for him was damaged. And even though DH now does stand up to them on behalf of our marriage - the losses still hurt and feel fresh enough to feel heavy. I just feel sad that this has been my marriage. Honestly, the pain has been so bad that it I knew how evil and scheming NSIL would be I might not have married DH. Not sure the pain has been worth the marriage. I hate to say that but it's true. At least I am now finally strong enough and love myself enough that if he doesn't continue to grow in a positive direction on this issue and treat me like his number one above mil and SIL I will walk away if I need to because a marriage in which two other women are put first is not a real marriage. It's an abandonment and breaking of vows and if someone refuses to honour their marriage then they have already basically left the marriage.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm so sorry for the hurt and pain they've caused you.  One of the things that has helped me process a lot of those feelings is journaling. When I was first coming Out of the FOG with my own family, I had so many thoughts and emotions. They just seemed to swirl around my head all day and all night. I was anxious and depressed and having trouble sleeping. And I was ANGRY. SOOOO ANGRY. I'm convinced that journaling is what saved me from having a complete breakdown.

This site has some prompts that are specifically related to narc abuse and toxic relationships, and I think those are the most helpful. https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2017/04/writing-prompts-for-recovery-from-an-abusivetoxic-relationship#1

One thing that helped especially was writing a letter to my mother (that I won't ever send), listing all the things I wished she would have done differently. All the ways she hurt me. All the resentments I'm still carrying around.

I don't know why it works. I think there's something about having this stuff out in the world and putting my truth into words (out loud or otherwise) that stops the invasive thoughts from interrupting so often. Also, organizing the sometimes murky thoughts into a clear narrative that you can read and say, "Of course I would be upset by this. Who wouldn't be?"

I was journaling multiple times a day at first. Anytime I felt like I was just going to explode if I didn't get the words out. The more I got out, the less I needed it. I went down to once a day for a while. Then a few times a week. Until this week, I hadn't journaled in over a year. It was like emptying a jar.

[DesertRose]

I'm so sorry for the hurt and pain they've caused you.  One of the things that has helped me process a lot of those feelings is journaling. When I was first coming Out of the FOG with my own family, I had so many thoughts and emotions. They just seemed to swirl around my head all day and all night. I was anxious and depressed and having trouble sleeping. And I was ANGRY. SOOOO ANGRY. I'm convinced that journaling is what saved me from having a complete breakdown.

This site has some prompts that are specifically related to narc abuse and toxic relationships, and I think those are the most helpful. https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2017/04/writing-prompts-for-recovery-from-an-abusivetoxic-relationship#1

One thing that helped especially was writing a letter to my mother (that I won't ever send), listing all the things I wished she would have done differently. All the ways she hurt me. All the resentments I'm still carrying around.

I don't know why it works. I think there's something about having this stuff out in the world and putting my truth into words (out loud or otherwise) that stops the invasive thoughts from interrupting so often. Also, organizing the sometimes murky thoughts into a clear narrative that you can read and say, "Of course I would be upset by this. Who wouldn't be?"

I was journaling multiple times a day at first. Anytime I felt like I was just going to explode if I didn't get the words out. The more I got out, the less I needed it. I went down to once a day for a while. Then a few times a week. Until this week, I hadn't journaled in over a year. It was like emptying a jar.

Your suggestion about journaling is a great one. Thank you!  I will give it a try. I am already starting to feel a bit better about some things just from writing on this website! It is cathartic. In recent years I have had small children around me 24/7 so it's been hard to process thoughts and hard for DH and me to talk - so that's been part of the issue when it comes to difficulty processing things. But now my youngest will start nursery very soon, which would make it possible for me to sit down with a journal and my thoughts. I just know I don't want to live with any lingering resentments bc that's not good for anyone and it would make me probably more vulnerable to getting "pulled in" to future issues or letting them push my buttons. I can see why people go no contact - we aren't there yet but I can definitely see why some ppl come to that point.

[Cat of the Canals]

I don't know if it would make it more accessible, but I use a free journaling site called dreamwidth.org. I'm wayyy faster at typing and thus more likely to do it everyday if I can type instead of write by hand. Also I've had past experiences with handwritten journals being read without permission, so I like the peace of mind I get knowing the journal is password-protected. I doubt anyone in my life now would do that, but it does make me feeling like I don't have to hold back.

That being said, I know that some people prefer the pen and paper approach, so do whatever works best for you!

[Hilltop]

Yep I completely understand DesertRose.  I have had milestone moments ruined as well and other things where it was just a constant competition over things that it shouldn't have been where MIL inserted herself and Dh would choose MIL's ideas over mine.  An example we got a new kitchen and he invited her to come when we were choosing the design, colours etc.  She wasn't putting any money in but there she was giving her opinion.  I remember at one point walking out of the showroom and pretty much lost all interest.  It was constant.

I think the hardest thing for me was feeling like I had no one.  I felt like I was an intruder in the three musketeers of DH, MIL and FIL.  I felt alone at times.  Also the feeling that I was second.  Being shown I was second when he chose her over me, time and time again.

I was so angry at MIL for creating these situations where she showed me that I was blatantly number 2 but more angry at DH for not prioritising me.  It was ok for MIL, she was fine, she got to feel special and loved whilst honestly it really did do a lot of damage to our marriage.  DH never fully understood it probably even to this day. I will be honest that there is a small part of me that still feels a gap in our marriage.  I still resent MIL about that fact.  I eventually realised I was mostly angry at myself for putting up with a lot of it, for how I handled some things, I got upset and reacted angrily rather than being smarter about it.  I do have moments where I wonder if I should have walked away early in the marriage. 

We had an opportunity early in our marriage to move several hours away but I said I wanted to stay close to family.  To this day, I kick myself over that decision.  Staying caused so much extra hurt and grief, I sometimes wonder how different things may have been but so much good has come in other ways from staying where we are that its just something minor I think about from time to time.  We are now about to move and this time I am dancing for joy for the extra distance.

Eventually something happened that was over the top by MIL and I went NC without a doubt in my mind.  MIL couldn't get close enough to me to do anything and really with no contact and time, it did help.  Dh would sometimes mention things and my white hot fury just let me shrug my shoulders and not care and my blatant refusal to go anywhere near her seemed to awaken DH that he needed to do more.  He stopped her intrusions into our house which helped.  It took a few years but he eventually made a couple of comments that showed that he recognised when MIL and SIL had been mean and that meant the world.  Sadly most of our conversations ended in arguments as DH just couldn't see that MIL had been deliberately hurtful most of the time.  After many years I eventually accepted we wouldn't see eye to eye on the subject.  I have kept my distance from the inlaws since that original NC although now I am simply VLC.

I would say time and maturity have helped DH.  He himself is able to put boundaries into place more easily now.  I can have a conversation now with him and tell him something negative about his parents and he doesn't get angry anymore, he listens.  In saying that  I have changed how I communicate that to him as well so probably more maturity on my part too.

In saying that they still have a ton of influence over him and can still guilt him really easily.  In some ways such as travel even when they guilt him he remains strong and has not budged one bit to do what they want.  In other ways I sometimes cringe when I see him dancing to their tune.

I spent plenty of years so angry, so much anger and I really wanted revenge for a while.  I never did anything for revenge and stuck to my morals.  Journaling helped, writing it out, forums, exercising that anger out, reading books on toxic inlaws all helped.  Probably time was the biggest healer. Recently I have seen karma at play in a massive way in MIL's life and this has been incredibly healing for me as well (although its horrible to admit).

Years ago after a miscarriage in one conversation I said to her that I just felt bad as I'm sure she wanted GC from DH.  She replied that she was happy, she had GC already, she had everything she ever wanted and me not having children was my problem, she was happy.  I was livid after (although that wasn't the reason for NC).  Of course she may have been trying to make me feel better but her wording of if you don't have it, that's your problem really stuck with me.  She made it clear that she had it and that's all that mattered.  When it was obvious I couldn't have children a few years later MIL and FIL had numerous conversations with DH about how life didn't matter without children, I believe they encouraged him to leave me to find someone to have a family with.

Fast forward to today and her older son, other DIL (SIL) and all her GC are estranged from her and the estrangement appears permanent.  The only family to talk to her is DH.  I would be lying if I didn't say that this little bit of karma has been the last bit that has totally erased any anger I feel toward my MIL.  All those horrible things she did to me and I feel this is life's payback.  She never cared if I was out of her life, if anything I gave her what she wanted however losing her grandchildren has been devastating for her.  I understand this sounds horrible however I don't have much empathy due to her treatment of me. I am glad I did not take revenge and did the right thing.  DH and I are in a much better place, we have over time come together as a couple.  Dh now does have my back a lot more however those early years were rough.

If I think back to those early days I still feel some disappointment with my MIL, it was all so avoidable, it could have been so different.  The place I am in now is that MIL's life is her own and my life is my own. DH has obligations he has to do and that's his life. I look at MIL's life and how it has turned out and don't think much of it.  For all MIL and FIL's talk about family, they have little around them because of their actions and behaviours. However her life is not my concern.  My life is my concern, so I am trying to build a life I can be proud of.  I was bitter for so long but I'm really glad I fought to move past that.  Holding on to that anger and bitterness was ultimately only harming me.  There comes a time when you need to let go because what caused the hurt actually stopped years beforehand.  What's causing the hurt in the present is yourself by holding on to that past deed, that isn't something I could grasp in the early stages however I hope at some point you see it.  I now try to focus on my own life and filling it with things that I enjoy, that brings meaning to me.  I guess the happier I am the less MIL bothers me.

It really isn't something that is easy to move on from and I hope you find ways that help you.

[DesertRose]

I don't know if it would make it more accessible, but I use a free journaling site called dreamwidth.org. I'm wayyy faster at typing and thus more likely to do it everyday if I can type instead of write by hand. Also I've had past experiences with handwritten journals being read without permission, so I like the peace of mind I get knowing the journal is password-protected. I doubt anyone in my life now would do that, but it does make me feeling like I don't have to hold back.

That being said, I know that some people prefer the pen and paper approach, so do whatever works best for you!

I will check that out - thank you! I do worry about paper journals being discovered. Not by my DH but by - anyone else, really. So thanks, that's great.

[DesertRose]

Yep I completely understand DesertRose.  I have had milestone moments ruined as well and other things where it was just a constant competition over things that it shouldn't have been where MIL inserted herself and Dh would choose MIL's ideas over mine.  An example we got a new kitchen and he invited her to come when we were choosing the design, colours etc.  She wasn't putting any money in but there she was giving her opinion.  I remember at one point walking out of the showroom and pretty much lost all interest.  It was constant.

I think the hardest thing for me was feeling like I had no one.  I felt like I was an intruder in the three musketeers of DH, MIL and FIL.  I felt alone at times.  Also the feeling that I was second.  Being shown I was second when he chose her over me, time and time again.

I was so angry at MIL for creating these situations where she showed me that I was blatantly number 2 but more angry at DH for not prioritising me.  It was ok for MIL, she was fine, she got to feel special and loved whilst honestly it really did do a lot of damage to our marriage.  DH never fully understood it probably even to this day. I will be honest that there is a small part of me that still feels a gap in our marriage.  I still resent MIL about that fact.  I eventually realised I was mostly angry at myself for putting up with a lot of it, for how I handled some things, I got upset and reacted angrily rather than being smarter about it.  I do have moments where I wonder if I should have walked away early in the marriage. 

We had an opportunity early in our marriage to move several hours away but I said I wanted to stay close to family.  To this day, I kick myself over that decision.  Staying caused so much extra hurt and grief, I sometimes wonder how different things may have been but so much good has come in other ways from staying where we are that its just something minor I think about from time to time.  We are now about to move and this time I am dancing for joy for the extra distance.

Eventually something happened that was over the top by MIL and I went NC without a doubt in my mind.  MIL couldn't get close enough to me to do anything and really with no contact and time, it did help.  Dh would sometimes mention things and my white hot fury just let me shrug my shoulders and not care and my blatant refusal to go anywhere near her seemed to awaken DH that he needed to do more.  He stopped her intrusions into our house which helped.  It took a few years but he eventually made a couple of comments that showed that he recognised when MIL and SIL had been mean and that meant the world.  Sadly most of our conversations ended in arguments as DH just couldn't see that MIL had been deliberately hurtful most of the time.  After many years I eventually accepted we wouldn't see eye to eye on the subject.  I have kept my distance from the inlaws since that original NC although now I am simply VLC.

I would say time and maturity have helped DH.  He himself is able to put boundaries into place more easily now.  I can have a conversation now with him and tell him something negative about his parents and he doesn't get angry anymore, he listens.  In saying that  I have changed how I communicate that to him as well so probably more maturity on my part too.

In saying that they still have a ton of influence over him and can still guilt him really easily.  In some ways such as travel even when they guilt him he remains strong and has not budged one bit to do what they want.  In other ways I sometimes cringe when I see him dancing to their tune.

I spent plenty of years so angry, so much anger and I really wanted revenge for a while.  I never did anything for revenge and stuck to my morals.  Journaling helped, writing it out, forums, exercising that anger out, reading books on toxic inlaws all helped.  Probably time was the biggest healer. Recently I have seen karma at play in a massive way in MIL's life and this has been incredibly healing for me as well (although its horrible to admit).

Years ago after a miscarriage in one conversation I said to her that I just felt bad as I'm sure she wanted GC from DH.  She replied that she was happy, she had GC already, she had everything she ever wanted and me not having children was my problem, she was happy.  I was livid after (although that wasn't the reason for NC).  Of course she may have been trying to make me feel better but her wording of if you don't have it, that's your problem really stuck with me.  She made it clear that she had it and that's all that mattered.  When it was obvious I couldn't have children a few years later MIL and FIL had numerous conversations with DH about how life didn't matter without children, I believe they encouraged him to leave me to find someone to have a family with.

Fast forward to today and her older son, other DIL (SIL) and all her GC are estranged from her and the estrangement appears permanent.  The only family to talk to her is DH.  I would be lying if I didn't say that this little bit of karma has been the last bit that has totally erased any anger I feel toward my MIL.  All those horrible things she did to me and I feel this is life's payback.  She never cared if I was out of her life, if anything I gave her what she wanted however losing her grandchildren has been devastating for her.  I understand this sounds horrible however I don't have much empathy due to her treatment of me. I am glad I did not take revenge and did the right thing.  DH and I are in a much better place, we have over time come together as a couple.  Dh now does have my back a lot more however those early years were rough.

If I think back to those early days I still feel some disappointment with my MIL, it was all so avoidable, it could have been so different.  The place I am in now is that MIL's life is her own and my life is my own. DH has obligations he has to do and that's his life. I look at MIL's life and how it has turned out and don't think much of it.  For all MIL and FIL's talk about family, they have little around them because of their actions and behaviours. However her life is not my concern.  My life is my concern, so I am trying to build a life I can be proud of.  I was bitter for so long but I'm really glad I fought to move past that.  Holding on to that anger and bitterness was ultimately only harming me.  There comes a time when you need to let go because what caused the hurt actually stopped years beforehand.  What's causing the hurt in the present is yourself by holding on to that past deed, that isn't something I could grasp in the early stages however I hope at some point you see it.  I now try to focus on my own life and filling it with things that I enjoy, that brings meaning to me.  I guess the happier I am the less MIL bothers me.

It really isn't something that is easy to move on from and I hope you find ways that help you.

Hilltop, this is gold. Thank you. Especially for that last paragraph about letting go. With my DH most of his "playing into their hand" issues have stopped and he has seen the light. It's painful to talk about the past hurts for him - and I've learned that's partly due to a lifetime of criticism from NMIL which makes talking about how he hurt me feel like a criticism to him. He becomes defensive because he has been truly shredded and criticised to the hilt by both of his N parents and his family did not resolve issues and still doesn't. So it's been hard for him to open up and hear "you hurt me" bc it sounds like "you failed and gave a sub par performance and you are a bad husband". He becomes defensive instead of empathetic. It's gotten better though as we've seen a therapist and he is better able and more willing to iron things out. Some place where he gaslighted me to go along with SILs plans early in our marriage were violations of trust. I can't just let it go bc trust has to be rebuilt. But the behaviour has completely changed. We did have a sad first 2-3 years of marriage. Like you say I need to move on and enjoy the present now that things are better.

[Hilltop]

That's great that your DH sees his parents as they are.  Its good that you are in therapy.

I understand about the first 2-3 years of marriage and I agree there is a sadness that at a time when it should be so happy, I look back and see so much heartache and so many arguments.  Ultimately I did have to take some responsibility for those arguments however I am well aware that those arguments wouldn't have happened without MIL being as she is. Likewise with your SIL, you are where you are because of her actions and that's hard to move on from.  I mean family is suppose to be championing you along not trying to crash and burn your marriage, that's where my white hot fury came into it.

In saying that moving on is hard, it took me double the years to move past it.  There was a lot of hurt there.  So if it takes a while don't be hard on yourself about that.  You will get there, it just takes a little time.

[Leonor]

Hi Desert Rose,

I think of the hardest times in my marriage as "healing in relationship."

We used to stand in our corner and point at the other one. See what *you're* doing to me! See how much *I* am hurting because of you!

The worst times were all related to il stuff. It made me upset because I wanted at least our arguments to be about us without my foo or his foo getting in our way. I felt that we had spent so much time focussed on them that we lost precious time for us.

But now I see that we were always on the path. Even the horrible arguments. They *were* about us, saying "This is how I was hurt. Please help me handle this hurt." And every time we didn't walk away, or one of us apologized, or promised to make things even a little bit better, we healed a little. We were able to see that life was safer, that the other person was safer, that we were safer.

None of it is wasted. How can you build a family of two people from different families without wrangling through what it means to build a family? How are you supposed to relate to each other in any way but the way you know to relate to one another? And how is that going to change without a good hard look at what you understand by build, family, relate, people?

The hard times are the healing. It's not what you should have done before the healing, or what you have to do to get to the healing. The hard times *are* the healing. This is it!

Healing to you!

[DesertRose]

Hi Desert Rose,

I think of the hardest times in my marriage as "healing in relationship."

We used to stand in our corner and point at the other one. See what *you're* doing to me! See how much *I* am hurting because of you!

The worst times were all related to il stuff. It made me upset because I wanted at least our arguments to be about us without my foo or his foo getting in our way. I felt that we had spent so much time focussed on them that we lost precious time for us.

But now I see that we were always on the path. Even the horrible arguments. They *were* about us, saying "This is how I was hurt. Please help me handle this hurt." And every time we didn't walk away, or one of us apologized, or promised to make things even a little bit better, we healed a little. We were able to see that life was safer, that the other person was safer, that we were safer.

None of it is wasted. How can you build a family of two people from different families without wrangling through what it means to build a family? How are you supposed to relate to each other in any way but the way you know to relate to one another? And how is that going to change without a good hard look at what you understand by build, family, relate, people?

The hard times are the healing. It's not what you should have done before the healing, or what you have to do to get to the healing. The hard times *are* the healing. This is it!

Healing to you!

Leonor, wow, this is so encouraging, thank you!!! The hard times have felt so dark, and like you I have looked back and thought we missed so many sweet foundational moments due to IL drama, and that our worst arguments and issues were always difficult but still workable when they were about us, but that the IL drama created a huge wall which I wondered might always be there. The fact that DH and I are both still here, still married, and walking through the pain gives me hope and your words give me even more hope. This pain is headed in a good direction and IS the healing. Thank you.

[Breakthrough]

I had some similar experience with my uNPD MIL inserting herself into our marriage and causing trouble.  I was very angry about this for years,  we have been married 10.5 years now, and it has gotten much better.  It took my husband many years to get Out of the FOG.  We still have a relationship with MIL, just with much better boundaries.  I am extremely low contact.  It took a lot of discussion for my husband to finally understand what leave and cleave means.  It's strange because he was great about boundaries with his mom, until we got married and threw me to the wolves with her.  I put my foot down when he did it with our 18mo old daughter and I realized I didn't trust her alone with my kid.  We have much better boundaries and the pandemic has been a relief because we can't see them even if we wanted to.  It took a lot of work.  The anger and resentment were all consuming at times.  This one requires a lot of personal work.  Holding on to the anger and resentment hurts you the most.  If things are changing and your husband is actively working on things, it's your choice to choose to see the positive and move on.  It can be hard at times and took me a lot of work on my self, writing things out helped.  Seeing the changes in him helped.  Even sitting down to write things out helped.  I hope to start doing weekly family meetings to help us avoid conflict in the future too, and make sure everyone has a chance to communicate their wants and needs.

[all4peace]

I'm sorry for your pain and the losses that came through your relationship with your husband's family.

It is true that many here have had losses, moments that can never be re-lived or re-done. It is also true that we have (or will, or are) developed strengths and resiliencies through this painful process. And as Leonor mentions above, often we later discovered we were on the journey all along. Sometimes we were focused in a blaming stances, understandably pointing our fingers at our awful in-laws, and sometimes we later came to reflect within and realize that through these difficult people came exceptional lessons we couldn't have learned with easier in-laws.

I think there are a lot of ways to look at our stories, and if we focus only on the losses or pain, we will miss some other incredible, beautiful parts too. Only you can know if, when, and how that would be meaningful for you. For myself, I went through decades of anger, grief, and pain, before I found this forum and finally started making changes.

My best to you on your journey!

[Maisey]

I have been NC with all inlaws for over a year now, and still they are rolling through my head on a regular basis. As time goes on it is less ,tho,  and I have gained a calmer daily life.

When the dust cleared on the NC, it still left "us" to deal with and that alone is big big big , because after all our relationship is a product of our past together. I could eliminate the inlaws in the present and future, but couldn't erase that past.

It's been a struggle (for me) to even feel like my spouse is my friend and to try to be a friend also.

M.