Confrontations

[Kitbit]

How do you manage confrontations when someone has NPD? Sometimes they have to happen if the situation is too hurtful. Generally otherwise I try preventative measures without walking on eggshells. Other times I try avoidance - just walking away when it is too much. I don't want to fall into the trap of exploding after being baited, or getting caught up in their crazymaking tactics. It is really tough. Any suggestions?

[ICantThinkOfAName]

I don't have any suggestions, just sympathy.  I'm in the same place.  Every time I think I want to bring something up, I get scared that it will blow up on me or worse, I will end up apologizing for bringing it up.  It's obviously not healthy and many times I think to myself, why be with someone you can't talk to?

[Gmum4]

I feel for you.  I had the same issue with my ex best friend.  It got to where I would have panic attacks at the thought of being around her.  You cant really confront them and have it make a difference.  They will talk circles around you to the point you don't even know what the hell you were talking about in the first place.  Plus, it will just become more stuff for them to use against you.  I had to finally go no contact to get peace in my life.

[losingmyself]

Hi Gmum4
I know exactly what you're talking about, and my best advice is to go to the toolbox and learn to use those tools. They are lifechanging. Learning not to JADE, grey-rock, and just understanding that you can't have a confrontational conversation with some people, so don't even start, really helps, as a start. 
It really brings peace to accept these things.
Keep talking here.

[ploughthrough2021]

Sorry to be blunt but after 30 years of dealing with my uNPD, the only way is the way that causes YOU less pain.

[tragedy or hope]

Agreed. This is a different kind of lifestyle if we choose to stay in it. We are basically alone. I liken it to when I was raising my children. I was the parent, not one of them. I still had to take care of me while dealing with their lives.

We can be their victim or their target. It depends on the day.  In order for them to survive not feeling inferior they assume we must think like them.

Over the years, I have crawled out of that pit and am able to at least say "I do not see it the way you do, I do not think like you. I do not want to think like you."

Any and everything can cause a confrontation. Depends on his state of mind about himself. I no longer build him up about anything. Unless I see something I genuinely appreciate, I let him give himself the "atta boys." It is a never ending spiral down that road. They NEVER get enough praise, but; to get out of it sometimes i find something to compliment. I can watch his countenance change almost immediately.

I am told constantly, he has no "human contact."  We live in a small town and he now retired and kind of new around here. As if I am holding him prisoner.. I don't like the people he will glom on to, they are weird. He has no barometer, or measure of character of others. He assumes everyone loves him.

Funny.... I can have a conversation just about anytime. What he is after is MORE accolades and atta boys.
They need the admiration of people far and wide and it never changes.

I see I have digressed here. The lite and polite lifestyle with a significant other is taxing. I hope you can find one or two people who appreciate you for who you are and can understand your needs. Mostly, love yourself. Give yourself what you need in quiet ways without his interference. Don't share every thought. In fact mirroring him is not a bad idea sometimes. This too can backfire though.  IN my experience it brings up his rage because without my verbal exchanges he is left with his own bitter soul. This life requires balance. We are living with mental illness.
We all get it here.

[square]

When you say confrontation, do you mean setting boundaries?

Does the person ever respect boundaries when set? Genuine question.

[tragedy or hope]

So... me again. I thought I was lite and polite this morning. But truth offends the unpdh.  I "percieved" a false sense of safety.
We  are never safe to tell our truth.

Today; I get silent treatment after telling me how imperfect I am. May I reiterate... anything and everything can cause confrontation if they want to fight. It will always be about you, and how cruel, unjust, unloving (whatever) you are to them. It's a done deal After 50 years..... it has not changed for me.

If you have to get in a confrontation, say as little as possible, and get away. It is not the time for discussion. I made that mistake today. Most times I can say a little and walk away. I try to state my perspective in one or two sentences. They will take every word you say and use it against you if you say more.

Find something to do that will take care of you because they will be unavailable as long as it takes for them to pout. They are full of rage, so don't try to deal with that. They want to vomit how they feel about themselves on to you.

Eventually mine finds some other way to get his ego fed, calls a friend, accomplishes some home project... he may go on for days, I never know.

Be careful and use wisdom. Sometimes saying nothing is the best choice.

[Kitbit]

Thank you so much for sharing. It is such a relief to know I’m not alone in this type of experience. I feel bad for us both “tragedy or hope” but being able to talk about it and recognize it is such a healing experience for me after not being understood and in fact having my suffering weaponized against me.

[losingmyself]

There are times when I can just feel it bubbling under his skin, like he's just waiting for me to say something so he can go off. If I don't say anything, he'll throw out little pieces of bait for me to take, so he can start in. This happened yesterday, and I just gave a "hm.." and found something else to do.
Today he's fine. No blow up. Like nothing ever happened.

[SparkStillLit]

I always feel like we're all married to the same dude! Updh does the same thing with the chumming, and I do the same getting the H out of there. Then the next day.....nothing.
Or possibly more chumming, and more me escaping. But it all ends in nothing.

[Kitbit]

It's so important to recognize those days when it's likely to happen, at the first occurrence, and stay away. I get lulled into a false sense of security because of relatively good times so his change in affect and behavior take me by surprise. But there are often signs.

[losingmyself]

Kitbit, it will get easier. You'll figure out even before hand that certain things are going to piss him off. I have, anyway. I can see things coming and think to myself "Oh, yeah, this is going to make him mad, what should I find to do tonight?" I wish that I could go out of the house alone, like go shopping by myself, but he would come with me. Not really able to leave the house alone very much, but I can go downstairs or outside. So that's what I do.
I can just feel it. I'm actually surprised more often when things DON'T make him angry.

[SparkStillLit]

Oh my STARS losingmyself, I would go NUTS. I can shop, kayak, go with girlfriends.
The once I went to a work celebration where it was all the guys, I was punished for WEEKS. It was golf. It was super fun and none of us were any too sober and we still have stories and I don't regret it for one single second. Eff him. We are all married and faithful.