Telling young kids

[CagedBirdSinging]

I left pdH about a month ago. Me and the kids (2 and 4) have been staying with family. We are moving into our new house this week, so the time has come to tell them that mum and dad are not going to be living together any more, we still love them but we are not going to be married any more, and that they are moving with mummy to an exciting new house and will see their dad on x days.

All the advice I've read has suggested telling the children together - both parents being present for the conversation..  BUT I am worried about how pdH will handle it. I'm sure he will be crying and sobbing his head off, upsetting the kids. They are so young, and it is not appropriate to expose them to a hysterical parent. So.. do I tell them by myself? But then I risk pissing him off, when I am trying to keep things amicable in order to stay out of court.

I'm thinking of talking to pdH beforehand, laying out how this conversation with the kids needs to go, and making it clear that I will not tolerate any hysterics.. but he may not listen to me. (When has he ever?!)

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experience of telling young children - alone or with the pd present?
Thanks

[pushit]

My kids were 8, 6 and 3 at the time, so very similar age range.  When I divorced I had no intention of trying to tell the kids together with my exPDw.  With all her manipulation I knew it would be a nightmare, with her sobbing and blaming me for tearing the family apart and Lord knows what else.

I believe the normal advice for telling the kids together doesn't apply to a relationship with a PD.  If you don't think it will go well, I wouldn't bother trying it.  Trust your gut.

I suggest telling the kids the truth but keeping things very basic.  No need for details about what happened or why it's happening, they won't be able to process it at that age anyway.  It worked for me to be clear that Mom and Dad aren't getting back together, we will have two separate houses from now on, but we both love you very much and are here for you.  It might be rough for a couple months but stick to your story and be stable for them.  I realized that my kids are way more perceptive than they seem, it didn't take long for them to become more relaxed in my house and be happy with moving forward in separate homes.

[Stillirise]

My kids are a little older. I told them by myself, because I knew a reasonable conversation of any kind, with both of us present, was impossible.  I've found that most advice, whether about working on a marriage, divorcing, or co-parenting after a divorce, is basically turned on its head, when the other party has a PD.

Go with your gut.  If you feel like you can manage telling them together, go for it. If not, do what you think is best.  If he doesn't like the way you go about the process, that is on him.  The good news is kids are extremely resilient, especially at this age.  Good luck!

[Rose1]

My kids were 6 and 10. I told them that he had left and we wouldn't be together anymore but that everything would be ok and I'd look after them. They already knew he was unreliable  so I didnt say anything about when they would see him, just we had to work it out.

At the time he didn't tell me where he was anyway. He came to eldest ds school,  pulled her out of class and 'told her his side of the story' himself.

You have  no control over what they do. You can minimise and fix fallout as much as possible. And you can create a calm, peaceful house. That counts for a lot. Take notice of your gut.
Take care

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks everyone. He was moaning on about telling them together... so I spent ages prepping him, and he agreed we would remain positive and friendly, and would not get upset.

SO we sat down to chat to them... he did not contribute one word to the conversation, just looked tearful and hurt 'poor me'. Everything we had 'agreed' on was thrown out the window. He did not back me up. Did not contribute at all.
Luckily my kids did not even look at him. They were looking at me the whole time, while I was telling them gently about their new home, smiling and telling them how everything is going to be ok and we both love them. It's like they were totally latched onto me, looking to me for reassurance, ignoring his theatrics, which totally went to waste.

Anyway he can't say I left him out of the conversation. He CHOSE to leave himself out

[Stillirise]

All things considered, I'd be inclined to call that a win! Good work maintaining your own composure, and painting a pleasant, yet honest picture for your children.  I'm sure they will be looking to you for clues on how to process this for a long time to come.

[Boat Babe]

Well done you for working so hard to support your children through the separation. Not easy.

As a six year old, I remember the sheer relief when my mother left my father. Although my mother is really hard work and, if not PD, has more fleas than a mangy mongrel, being on my own with her was infinitely preferable to watching her getting pulverized by my father. I was GLAD when she left and took me with her.

Your kids know the score.