Getting rid of my own stuff

[Prototypian]

I've posted before and this is a running commentary and I'm so sorry for this venting but I am simply dumbfounded with the obsession over the perception of waste even when it is things that belong to someone else.   We have reached the point that all trash must be impacted and reveiwed by my spouse before it goes out and a running dialogue has to go with each perceived item.. on one side are things that should be in recycling that I agree with in principle but sometimes a kid tosses paper in the trash isntead of recycling.  It's a cost to benefit ratio for me and I'll do what I can to ensure as much as possible goes into proper recycling.   But the inventory of things that get thrown away that "could have a potential use" and DO NOT BELONG TO HER is absolutely maddening.   

We had some significant weather last week and time to clean stuff out.  The city moved in roll away dumpsters because trash pick up couldn't make it through the streets and some homes had damage from pipes bursting.   I took advantage to clean out desk drawers, clear out crappy t shirts and review things that I simply don't need.  The result was a bag of trash from pens and markers that don't write to gloves with no mate, to junk I've been given or picked up at conferences to awards I don't care about and baseball hats I don't wear.   It's a bag of stuff that's mine, doesn't work, had no meaning to me or anyone else and I want to throw away.   First she went through it piece by piece checking each pen to see if it worked or not then even showed me that a highlighter still had some ink.  Then wanted to save the three right hand gloves in case someone has a left handed one somewhere that could make a pair, then it was "ohh, you don't want your employee of the month award anymore". 

Let me state that I have an executive job, an admin assistant, we have no debt and my time in work is measured in shirt meetings and conference calls and any time I have at home is of enormous value to me.   The savings of a highlighter or glove is so inconsequential compared to the coat of the time to discuss this taking away from either work or home time building a snowman with the youngest daughter.   

Not one single item in this single paper grocery bag of junk was hers.  The pens, gloves, paperweights, dustable crap and anything else that came from my desk drawer clean out was all mine.   I wanted it gone easily and carefree and I spent over two hours having to justify, argue, explain my reasoning and discuss with her why I simply wanted to clear out a grocery bag of junk I no longer wanted.   

This isn't hoarding; her concern is potential waste.   When we get into these arguments her shift goes to "there are people who need this xyz thing and we just throw it away".  She grew up very poor and I understand that.  Does anyone today need to coax the last bit of ink out of a ballpoint pen.   I can use the time and energy to earn more to give to charity.  Or buy deserving people brand new highlighters.   I'm not saying waste things.   I'm saying that in a normal.world sometimes things are produced that no one wants or needs however good the original.intentions were.

[Poison Ivy]

You are a different (I won't say better or worse) person than me, jsinjin. I would have put my stuff in the bag and put it in the dumpster (or outside to await the dumpster), and if someone had tried to engage me in discussion about the stuff in the bag, I would have said, "I'm going on a walk [or to build a snowman or whatever]. I will not be discussing this with you. Bye."

[Prototypian]

Thanks PI.  I think we have all been conditioned over the years to respond to her because the escalation to ignoring it can result in violent and angry explosions.   When one of us hears "why is this in the trash?" Out loud or a second "does anyone know why the xyz is in the trash" we have learned that ignoring this or refusing to answer will result in very lengthy interrogations and then likely screaming and violent anger, missing activities, ruined family events and a continued very active engagement on the issue to find out who did it and worse, why the didn't answer or if someone threw it away and is lying about doing it.   

It's a co sitioning and we all jump when we hear it.   I've hear the kids say quietly "oh sh*t" when they hear "who put the aluminum can in the trash" or "who didn't put the milk away".  It means that she is willing to drop her job, household duties, outside events and anything else to get to the very bottom of the problem or we will pay one way or another.   Ignoring her is like ignoring the IRS, they have a way of getting to you.

It's not right but I've noticed we are all conditioned to do her bidding this way because she doesn't mind escalating to near violence and irrational destructive behavior if she senses waste, refusal to accept responsibility or lying.

[Poison Ivy]

I agree that what your wife does is not right. It's abuse. I hope you can remove yourself and your children from the situation as soon as possible.

[ICantThinkOfAName]

This must be a thing.  Waste.  I get the same thing here.  Not quite to the degree you do, but it feels similar.  My daughter threw away a bunch of books and uOCPDh asked me if I wanted to go through them to see if it was anything I needed as he thought there might be some of mine in there.  I told him, if she threw them away, she doesn't want them and if I gave them to her, I was done with them.  You would have thought I murdered a puppy.  One day I asked him why on Earth is he digging through the trash?  Admittedly, that was a passive aggressive strategy aimed at embarrassing him.  He said nothing.  Ignored my question.  He's stopped bringing it up as much, but the half-eaten food always gets a comment.  My kids have taken to hiding food trash.  The recycling thing just drives me batty, there isn't a week that goes by where someone hasn't offended him by recycling the wrong thing, or not cleaning it properly before putting in the bin.  There are times, I think, maybe I should put it through the dishwasher first?  Which to me is more of a waste than putting it in the bin with a smudge of food on it.  It just baffles me that he could get that emotionally charged by waste.  It feels super controlling when he behaves that way and demands that the trash be inspected and that everyone live by the same trash code of honor. 

[1footouttadefog]

I live on both sides of this senario. 

I have guilt about waste and buying new things etc.  I also like a neat un cluttered home and environment. 

On the other hand, I was abused by my pdh ODPC spouse for decades when he would toss out things that were not his to toss.  I lost all memorabilia of music tours I made with a singing group as a kid.  My highschool and Jr high memories all pitched. Photo albums tossed or reduced to fewer and fewer pages then later combined. 

I probably one of the few peoole who were triggered by Kondi Mar's book.

I think your wife has an unhealthy relationship to things, whick likely stems from a lack of trust in people/herself, the world to provide for her. 

Its somewhat normal for people, especially femails to nest when the world or economy etc seems unsettled, but that would seemingly look like buying extra underware and extra food and updating the blankets and wanting things repaired or maintenanced.

I think that highlighter ink is off plumb from the norm.

We live rural and hace county convenience centers for trash, garbage and recycles. They have swap sheds where your used items can be taken.  Amazingly peoole will take almost anything left in those sheds.  For example my old towels and blankets were treasured by a woman involved in dog rescue.  I picked up old "Great Courses" on Cassette tape to listen to in my vintage vehicle.  Zao to Mao was very interesting.

Perhaps finding such an outlet would help a smidge with her guilt, but in the end you are an adult and should ve autonomous enough to decide which of your non essentials to keep or not. 

These are the unnessesary ways in which pds control we nons. Pressures that degrade the relationship and make home unhappy.

[SonofThunder]

Hello again Jsinjin,

You wrote " First she went through it piece by piece.....".

In my home, I have learned that my uPDw will inspect all that I do, in order to critique me.  With regard to possessions, I do not discard anything that is hers.  My uPDw must discard all her items.   I will quietly discard anything that is already in a trash can.  When my now-adult children lived in our home, I would ask them in private regarding their own items I believe could be discarded.  If they agreed, the item was moved to the trash can I was collecting in private when my uPDw was away.

Again, I know my uPDw will inspect everything being discarded, so therefore I make sure that I gather all items which I mentioned above (my own, my kids approved)  when my uPDw is not at home, and I put the bag of discarded items in my vehicle for a next-day run.  I then discard the items at a public trash drop off.   It may be considered a lot of planning and extra work, but the lack of drama regarding it done another way , and/or time spent journaling about the trash drama, is well worth the effort. 

Again, I never mention my wife's possessions nor have the right to discard her possessions, no matter how minuscule I may believe they are.   I fully understand your dilemma regarding trash. 

SoT

[tragedy or hope]

I too deal with an overload of stuff. I throw it away, and find it later piled on top of something in the garage. I too put things in my car when he is not home. I cannot complain because I can do little to clear the clutter. Much of it has been stored in the attack and it is in heavy boxes which I cannot lift, and the stairs are not safe for me when I am alone. I didn't want all that in the attic, but he does what he wants then shows me his finished project.
Then there are the all encompassing shelves in the garage...
We can't agree on piles of things or how the work will be done, so we don't do it together. It has been unpleasant.
It is spring and something must be done soon so I will again, try to help. It is not worth the unpleasant moments. I just go along with it and deal with it on my side the best I can.  I just don't get keeping broken things.