Pd in-laws and young children

[bumblebee44]

Okay I have a ubpd/n mil and bil.  Fil and sil are flying monkeys.

I had our second child last summer and my mil picked up the baby without asking and was kissing her all over her face.  I asked my h to say something because covid and just in general people shouldn't be kissing newborns.  Anyways as predictable as this was, after my h said something my mil immediately told him she decided they weren't going to see us anymore and they need to think about their own health with covid.  Which would be fair except for the fact that the timing was when we told her to please not kiss a newborns face and she also threw herself a big birthday party with extended family like 5 days prior. 

Anyways it's been months and she won't even text or call us anymore.  She literally does not care about our children at all but posts pictures of them all over her house (to seem like a great grandma? I'm not sure what the point is since she has nothing to do with them)

Does anyone else experience this?  It's upsetting because honestly - I know she doesn't care about my kids.  Which makes me sad for them

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yuuuuup. My parents were like that. Couldn't give a crap about actually having a relationship with my children, but had the nicely curated photo wall of photos of them I sent from my phone, reposting my photos to facebook, and always wanted some new artwork to put on the fridge to brag on when people came over. But put them on the phone with grandma and she couldn't get off fast enough.

I used to feel sad for my kids too, and that is legit. Just as all of us here have missed out on having the loving family we deserved, my kids are not getting the grandparents that they deserve. But I have realized that it was futile to try to force a relationship, and I couldn't salvage it for them, any more than I could make my parents decent parents to me. They just didn't have it in them. So I redirected my efforts to fostering relationships for my kids with people who truly care about them. My children have many good people, they aren't deprived of love by any means. My parents are the ones missing out, but they'd never realize it.

[Boat Babe]

There's a lot to be said for NOT having toxic grandparents in your kids' lives.

[DesertRose]

My dad's mom (my paternal grandmother) was very much this way. She had many PD traits and was probably high on the Narcissistic spectrum. (It's no wonder my dad has so many PD traits himself after being  raised by her).

My mom (who does not have a PD but sadly is very codependent with my dad) often told me the story of how my N grandmother and grandfather drove two hours to my parents house to meet me when I was a newborn. My mom had been told by doctors to remind ppl to wash hands when holding baby, so as the first time mother of a newborn trying to be responsible she politely asked if they could please wash hands when they went to pick up the baby. My N grandmother  was so offended she left immediately. My grandfather was in many ways a good and kind man, but his idea was that a man should always be loyal to his wife above all else so he basically believed her in all things and did what she told him to do. So he got into the car with her and they drove immediately home.

N grandmother would often call my mother and ask, "So what are DesertRose and DesertRoseSibling doing these days?" And then basically hang up after 2-3 minutes of getting an update. Then she would brag to her friends about us as though we were close. When we weren't.

When my sibling and I were small, N grandmother told my mom she would never babysit. She said she had raised her children and she was done. She would cancel plans with us at the last minute, including not showing up for Thanksgiving after my mom spent the entire day cooking. She would arrange holidays for the extended family, and then tell my mom it had all been cancelled. Then she would tell the rest of the family we had backed out and didn't want to join. They thought we were snubbing them. We didn't find out some of this until after N grandmother passed away.

She gave weird gifts on birthdays and at Christmas. She gave me very strange low quality Pyjamas one year that actually looked used and put them in a designer box and told my mother and me they were by that designer. It was almost comical. She stole my mother's best kitchen knife and tried to replace it with a dull one of hers.

Having grown up with limited contact that mostly happened around formal lunches at my grandparents' country club, I can say that limited contact was not a bad thing. More contact would definitely have been bad. I knew N grandmother caused drama and it helped not to be around her. She called my PDdad almost every day. I think was her golden child and I think N grandmother hated my mom for "stealing him", sadly. My PDdad idealised his mom and dad to the hilt. Not until they passed away did he really admit to some of the dysfunction.

My grandfather was a very good / kind person in many ways. We got to know him better after N grandmother passed away. It was like the air cleared. The tension and weirdness left when she passed. He was welcoming and kind and not complicated. N grandmother was cruel to him and rejected his affection publicly etc. He felt it was his duty to always be loyal to her no matter what (Eg - Obligation as in FOG).   I'm grateful that he lived for so long and was mentally able for many years. 

[bumblebee44]

My dad's mom (my paternal grandmother) was very much this way. She had many PD traits and was probably high on the Narcissistic spectrum. (It's no wonder my dad has so many PD traits himself after being  raised by her).

My mom (who does not have a PD but sadly is very codependent with my dad) often told me the story of how my N grandmother and grandfather drove two hours to my parents house to meet me when I was a newborn. My mom had been told by doctors to remind ppl to wash hands when holding baby, so as the first time mother of a newborn trying to be responsible she politely asked if they could please wash hands when they went to pick up the baby. My N grandmother  was so offended she left immediately. My grandfather was in many ways a good and kind man, but his idea was that a man should always be loyal to his wife above all else so he basically believed her in all things and did what she told him to do. So he got into the car with her and they drove immediately home.

N grandmother would often call my mother and ask, "So what are DesertRose and DesertRoseSibling doing these days?" And then basically hang up after 2-3 minutes of getting an update. Then she would brag to her friends about us as though we were close. When we weren't.

When my sibling and I were small, N grandmother told my mom she would never babysit. She said she had raised her children and she was done. She would cancel plans with us at the last minute, including not showing up for Thanksgiving after my mom spent the entire day cooking. She would arrange holidays for the extended family, and then tell my mom it had all been cancelled. Then she would tell the rest of the family we had backed out and didn't want to join. They thought we were snubbing them. We didn't find out some of this until after N grandmother passed away.

She gave weird gifts on birthdays and at Christmas. She gave me very strange low quality Pyjamas one year that actually looked used and put them in a designer box and told my mother and me they were by that designer. It was almost comical. She stole my mother's best kitchen knife and tried to replace it with a dull one of hers.

Having grown up with limited contact that mostly happened around formal lunches at my grandparents' country club, I can say that limited contact was not a bad thing. More contact would definitely have been bad. I knew N grandmother caused drama and it helped not to be around her. She called my PDdad almost every day. I think was her golden child and I think N grandmother hated my mom for "stealing him", sadly. My PDdad idealised his mom and dad to the hilt. Not until they passed away did he really admit to some of the dysfunction.

My grandfather was a very good / kind person in many ways. We got to know him better after N grandmother passed away. It was like the air cleared. The tension and weirdness left when she passed. He was welcoming and kind and not complicated. N grandmother was cruel to him and rejected his affection publicly etc. He felt it was his duty to always be loyal to her no matter what (Eg - Obligation as in FOG).   I'm grateful that he lived for so long and was mentally able for many years.

Thank you so much for this response!  This feels very very close to home as to how my in-laws behave with my children.  My MIL really doesn't actually care about the kids but it appears that I really shouldn't try to force the relationship - she is fraught with drama (even though she tells me she's never had drama in her life or fights with people until I joined the family.  This is completely debunked based on all history with her but she can tell people what she wants).  So my children are really better off with limited contact.

[Boat Babe]

Without a shadow of a doubt.

[Breakthrough]

NPDs are going to want to maintain a sense of normalcy, and keep up the perfect front for outsiders (hence the pictures despite ignoring the kids).  My parents have their issues but have learned to respect boundaries so much so that my mom would bend over backwards to try and accommodate all her grandkids different dietary needs, stressing about where to get things so it was ready when we visited.  She is extremely considerate and thinks of others often.  My NPD MIL on the other hand demanded this and that and access to our kids and stomped on boundaries and were completely disrespectful of our parenting, to the point they endangered my 20 mo old.  I put my foot down then.  They were offended I think and stopped calling for months.  I honestly didn't care, we didn't see them until our second was 3 mo old, so 6 glorious months without dealing with her.  She tried to pick up where things left off with the boundary stomping.  I was traumatized by the first incident (there were many more leading up to that point during my pregnancy), and her interference in our marriage almost led to a divorce.  Honestly, limited contact is the only way to manage, don't worry about your kids lack of contact there, protect them as much as you can.  I think I asked my MIL similar things about not kissing the small baby, and she was similarly offended.  My dad on the other hand was so careful not to kiss the small baby, and this was preCOVID, because he sometimes gets cold sores and didn't want to chance giving the baby an infection (it's HSV and can cause a serious infection of the baby's brain).  I just see all the ways my parents are considerate and my inlaws were not.  The space is forced now, because they live far, and can't travel, but it has been a relief.