The raft vs the shore

[square]

I'm on a raft. It's just enough to keep me alive.

In the far distance, I see the shore. But I've been on this raft so long, I'm exhausted. I don't see how I can make it to shore.

Sometimes a storm blows in and starts tearing the raft up. I jump off and try for shore.

Then the storm blows over, and the raft is back, floating peacefully. Shore is so far away. I'm exhausted anyway, but the storm took everything out of me. I can swim back and sleep tonight. I can figure it out in the morning, somehow. If I swim for shore, the waves will pull me under. The raft offers another day in relative peace. I know another storm will come, but maybe it will be a while.

I don't want to live on the raft another day. But today is okay. Living on my little raft alone, with nothing to do, no hope, no plans, my health fading, days and months and years of my life ticking by, it's okay. I'm sort of safe right now. Shore is so far away and the storms that come when I jump for it are so bad.

The raft is okay for another day.

[hhaw]

Square:

I know how difficult it can be to get off the raft.

Sometimes we find another, safer raft to float us to shore.  A friend, church member, family member's raft, or shelter.

You don't have to swim the whole way on your own, likely, though it can feel that way.  Survival on the raft often keeps one stuck in survival mode thinking.......fight, flight, freeze or fawn.  I was so very tired all the time. So so tired, Square. 

I'm way down the beach now.  I made it to shore and I admit, I saw under water much of the way.  I didn't understand how difficult it would be or I would have located and availed myself to tools to buoy me up....fins, snorkel, breathe under the waves.

I say this while lighting a fire for you on the beach.....to navigate by.

You don't have to do this alone.  Many on this forum have made it to shore and share their wise traveled voices with you.

If I had to do it again I would have found a trauma informed Therapust and learned how to cope better.  I would have put a secret plan together, without giving any secrets away....then gone, poof!  No drama.

You're stronger than you think.  There are ways to calm yourself down, engage your whole brain to logically and creatively move yourself to shore with less fatigue and confusion, IME. 

These skills will help you begin life anew.....with joy and a view if the entire ocean, beach and field, IME.

Right now your nose is ON the raft.  Glued to it.

Imagine if the raft was one little blip in the sea. 

I promise you can feel joy again.  Mine began with feeling less dreadful, under siege, at the mercy of.....and I thought it was enough for a while.

My Therapist wanted to know why I wasn't interested in feeling joy. 

The answer was...I didn't realize what getting my nose off the little pebbles, to see the entire field, could feel like.  I couldn't remember anything else, but I have remembered....with time and a wonderful therapist.  I experience joy
every
day.

You can too.

[square]

I say this while lighting a fire for you on the beach.....to navigate by.

Thank you.

I like what I see on shore. I'm not afraid to be alone, heck, I welcome it. I'm already alone anyway.

The things I want are so simple and achievable. Peace and calm. A clean house I'm not ashamed of. The ability to do things like exercise without fear of criticism. I could be happy. Happy is my natural state.

[hhaw]

Well.....start focusing on the sea, sky and beach.  Maybe ficus on all the people waving from the shore.  You aren't alone with so many voices helping you leave the raft.

The raft belongs to the PD.  It's not a good place to spend time.

And.....please be mindful of the judgments in your head.  Particularly about yourself. 

No more shame.  No more criticism getting inside your head.  Only kindness and patience....treat yourself like you'd treat a small child, if you can.  Protect yourself.  Shield yourself.  Accept your PD is broken and can't do better.  It will never make sense. 

Accept that truth and know....you won't ever convince of of anything.  He controls you bc you care about him and his beliefs.

He doesn't care about you or your feelings.

It's ok to turn away from him, his words, his judgment and give every kindness to yourself.  You'll be amazed when you begin recognizing your old self again.

You'll be astonished when you realize you're your most valuable resource.

: Looking Square in the eyes::

You're caring and kind and you can't fix or change the PD.

You CAN save yourself and it's your job.

Breathe.  Find a good trauma informed Therapiat to support your journey in 3d.

Pay attention to your thoughts, drop all judgment and get very curious about them.  Tend to them, like a child.  They'll help you make sense if your situation.

Listen to your intuition....honor it.  It gets easier, I promise: )

[square]

Here's an odd contradiction. He would let me have the house. But he would never, ever leave.

I can't seem to make the pieces fit unless he leaves and lets me have the house. I can't see him fighting me for the house, but dissolving the marriage, oh, he will go down in flames over that.

Even though he has increasingly proposed divorce. Two weeks ago he came to me wanting one. Ok. I asked him what his plans were. He had nothing. He did his PD blowup and got over his feelings and now we're supposed to just forget about it. I even said "this isn't the sort of thing you can just take back" (there was a lot more to it) but in the end, his feelings blew over, and I could either fight a war or go to bed.

[hhaw]

Fight the war....
Or go to bed.

Or....
Find a good trauma informed therapist.
Move your most cherished possessions to a safe place.
Interview divorce attorneys.
Identify safe people to help who understand your situation.
Ask those people for help planning and carrying out a logical plan of action.
DOCUMENT your situation so you can SHOW the court and anyone else what you're going through.
Lean on your support people to keep you on track.

Your PD proposes divorce likely to terrify you.  Not bc he wants a divorce.

Disordered people behave in disordered ways.  Nonsensical.  They don't understand what they do, IME.  They DO understand how you operate.  They know how to keep you there.  When you file for divorce the PDs typically do what they've always done.....and they escalate their behaviors as you fail to fall in line, IME.

Some PDs will only escalate so far.

Some employ a scorched earth policy.....think about that.  Breathe.  4 seconds inhale.  Hold 4 seconds.  Exhale 4 seconds.  Repeat 4 or 5 times.  What does your gut tell you about your situation?

Do you have some money set aside?
Do you have your situation documented?  Keeping a journal with dates and short descriptions of interactions?  Notes, texts, recordings ( if legal to record in your State) of your PD's behaviors?

You'll want to think through a theory of your divorce case before you tell your story, bc these situations can make us appear unstable when we blurt out the truth in panic, IME.

People understand violence, jealousy, cruelty and addiction, IME.  They don't understand why anyone would put up with years of being gaslighted, manipulated and interpersonally terrorized in seal defeating ways a PD person operates.  The PD destroys their own life even as they destroy yours.  That makes no sense to outsiders who haven't experienced it.

The trick is to document your situation, protect your evidence and firm your case around that evidence to keep yourself safe and move through a divorce with economy of motion.

It won't be easy, but it will get you to the beach, IME.

You might need to move out of the house, file divorce, let the PD rage without access to you while you calm yourself and remember who you were before the PD.

You don't have to let him in your head, your physical space.  Let him email, text and leave voice mails....all documentation for court.

Only listen or read when you're ready and choose.

The house might have to be sold.  You may end up with it.  One thing's for sure...the PD won't be honest, or fair, or consistent.  He'll be erratic and switch up love bombing, being cruel and doing all he can to interrupt your sleep and ability to think clearly.

Again....a good trauma informed therapist can help you build coping strategies, learn to calm your hijacked biochemistry so you have access to creativity, logic and problem solving skills which will help you move through this transition, IME.

You aren't powerless or helpless.  You're just at the end of your rope.  Get some support and let go of the rope. 

Do you have people in your life you trust?  Ask for help, secretly, and think about documenting and how you'll stay safe.

You can always stay if you decide that's what's best.

[Boat Babe]

 

[hhaw]

Once the PD knows you're documenting, Square, it will be more difficult to document.

Once he knows you're leaving, it will be harder to leave.

Once he senses you're behaving different, he'll tune more fully into what you're doing.

If you keep your thoughts to yourself, you can put a plan more easily.

Once the PD finds out....the storm he unleashes will be his way of keeping you too overwhelmed to act....or think straight.

If you can picture someone else in your shoes....a friend or niece perhaps, what advice would you give her?

You can limit the time, trauma and expense of leaving a PD or you can maximize it, IME.

You have choices and I want you to know that. 

Breathe, and focus on your inhalation and exhalation instead of becoming overwhelmed as often.  You WILL be overwhelmed, but it's good to remember it passes.  Be kind to yourself, Square, and keep paddling to shore.

[Lauren17]

Square, your analogy is beautiful, sad, and so very accurate. You have a way with words.
I'm on a raft too, my sea doesn't have storms so much as a steady wind that always blows. If I forget to lean into it, I find myself pushed into the water.
I'm currently looking for my snorkel, saving up for a pair of fins and checking to see if my friends have any pool noodles I can borrow.
Can I share the steps I've been taking?
I brainstormed a list of all the options ahead of me. Stay, leave now, leave when kids are grown, secretly plan, initiate a divorce discussion, etc. I occasionally go back and reconsider my choices until I'm ready to choose.
I'm learning about divorce, how it works, laws, finances, etc. I recommend womansdivorce.com and Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone With Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
I'm documenting, as hhaw suggests.
I'm gathering financial info.
I'm researching attorneys. 
I'm remembering to stop. Rest. Think of other things now and again. And breathe.
We can do this, Square.

[square]

This is helpful to me, thank you. I need to sort out my thoughts and make a plan but don't know where to start.

Btw I am not new here, have not posted in about a year but unable to log back in.

I just can't wrap my head around how this will happen, in practical terms.

I don't think I need to document anything. I'm not sure what exactly I would document anyway. It would just be a 50-50 split, and neither of us are going to try to get anything extra.

I have full control over the finances. Our income is very small and we will both be at the poverty level after splitting. I am disabled and do not see how I can earn over my disability check anymore. I was very good at saving years ago, and do have savings, that we will split. But I have to live the rest of my life on those savings and I have no ability to add to them now and certainly not later. This is it.

He will not fight me on the details of the divorce - won't care. Suicide will be his main consideration.

Let's assume he doesn't commit suicide. 50-50 asset division, neither of us will contest. Nobody is getting alimony or child support, and neither of us could give it. He might threaten to try for primary custody in a rage, but he won't actually do it. DD is 15 1/2 and we could agree to really any parenting plan on paper but it won't matter. I don't see him living in the area. He would see her sometimes. If she doesn't want to see him a particular time because he's in a bad mood, he'll rage but never go to court about it.

He is not going to plan a single thing. He is not manipulative. He is just really angry and takes it out on us. But non-functional.

So I do have some really good things going for me, like full financial control, and don't need a lawyer. Custody is not a real issue and visitation will be a source of some conflict but no real concern.

But I can't drive. Can't just pack up and say see ya. Can't make him leave. Don't see how I can afford another place. Can't move in to one. Can't even have a look at apts or houses.

All I can see is asking his mom if he can stay at her condo. I don't know what her answer would be but I think she would be unhappy but agree.

[hhaw]

That's a lot of work, Square.

Trying to anticipate and perhaps cut off disordered PD behaviors.

One can spend a lot if time worry, worry worrying and not acting, IME.

In a situation, where there are no great answers, we decide which is best, put a plan together and do what we can.....
then put the situation down and find joy in the present moment.

Worry worry worrying us a coping strategy.

Doing everything, then putting the problems on the shelf, is another coping strategy.

There's joy and freedom in the latter, IME.

Most people on this board seem to worry worry worry when they arrive.  I know I did.

As you said, Square.....you have only so much time on this earth (and are meddling resilience for your teen.)

What do you see yourself modeling in the coming months?

What is the very best life you can picture for yourself?

[JustKeepTrying]

Square,

I am down the beach and loving it.  I've been here 18 months after 32 years of living on the raft. 

here is some practical advise - when I left I thought I would be moving into metro housing and living on my disability.  I left him and walked out with a suitcase while he was out of the house.  I accepted that I could loose everything.  it was worth it.  I took by 17 year old DS with me. 

What I found after taking to my lawyer was all my assumptions were wrong about the finances.  Everything.  I read all those web sites and thought that I was prepared.  It turned out better than I thought.  I am going to be ok.  Tight and low income but ok.  I am free and can make my own decisions. Blessing.

Many lawyers will consult for free initially.  Interview several.  Make sure you get a shark.

As for him leaving or you leaving - think about what you want out of life, what you are willing to sacrifice for that peace.  I was ready to give it all up for the peace.  In the end, it turned out I got more than I could have imagined.  I fretted for years and years thinking I would loose it all.  I didn't.

I hope you find some measure of peace.  You are beautiful writer - a real talent. 

[square]

Thanks, everyone.

It's on the back burner for a little while, I guess. H's health is seasonal, and right now is his high point of the year. I am beyond thinking it will last, but motivation to leave is hard when things are good. I just want to rest a while.