Had a real epiphany finally

[Pepin]

This morning I had a lot on my mind and was thinking about depression.  While I don't consider myself actively depressed at the moment, I have had long episodes in the past and only short ones recently that I can more easily talk myself out of.  Though in the back of my mind, I am generally aways low-key blue.

One of the things that must be so puzzling to DH is when I suddenly revert into a dark place.  And I think I finally understand why I do this now rather than before when I probably should have.  I spent so much of our younger married lives slowly having the mat pulled out beneath me while I was on antidepressants.  Being on antidepressants allowed me to block everything annoying out of my life (being motherless, dealing with NF, PDmil claws starting to emerge) and to be able to just focus on being a good and present mother.  That is literally what happened.  While I knew that my in-laws were getting away with some things because I allowed them to, I did nothing to set a boundary.

And then some health issues started to crop up with me and I had to rethink my approach to health.  That meant quitting antidepressants and making other lifestyle changes.  I was positive I could do it.  And I did.  But then I realized that by being off of antidepressants, I had nowhere to hide when it came to things that bothered me.  It was so hard to deal with in-law issues.  And of course all of this blew up a few years later when FIL passed away.  I had been so good at setting boundaries when PDmil started to interfere and then when she became a widow it seemed like I forgot what I was doing because I felt bad for her.

It took some years before I snapped out of that fogged state and returned to boundary setting.  But by then, DH had become re enmeshed with her and I realized that setting boundaries was not only necessary with her but also DH.  Now I had two people to deal with.  And it has been very, very hard for me....and of course more health issues have arisen.  At this point, I am surprised my heart hasn't called it quits on me.

And then there is the question of DH and how he likely views me.  He probably sees me as someone that really doesn't like his mother anymore and never will.  And he is right about that.  My setting boundaries seems mean toward his mother rather than a way for me to feel safe -- because DH doesn't understand since he is enmeshed.  We have had many arguments about his mother....especially as her behavior has affected our kids who I will protect like a mother bear would protect her cubs.  Don't care who is related by blood or family - any sign of danger has me snarling.

The point to all of this is that being on antidepressants set me back in boundary setting during my marriage.  I didn't have a clear mind but I was smiling for no reason.  While I did do some therapy, it was the wrong kind of therapy.  And then after being off of antidepressants, I realized I needed therapy again and found one that deals with narcissists.  And wow did she set me straight after I started unloading about DH's parents, especially PDmil.  I had no idea I was dealing with another narcissist (a very covert one) after being abused by my father.  I was so devastated that I stopped the sessions.  It was like I couldn't breath.  I was so furious with myself.  I couldn't understand how it was that I was duped....I felt stupid, ridiculous and insignificant all over again like I had and was also told as a child. 

Today I sit here knowing that I will never touch antidepressants ever again.  I wish I had found the right therapist at the time instead as I likely would have been on a much better path.  But, I just didn't know...It is hard to find the right people that are helpful.  I am grateful for this site as I have been here many years keeping the conversation going about narcissism.  I realize now that while PDmil is a very covert N, she also really is stuck in her damaging and cultural ways.....and this is an area I am struggling to understand.  There are very, very few of us that are in this predicament.  I married outside of my race (not really a problem in my eyes) and culture (big problem) and I never imagined that my life would have ended up like this.  I really didn't. 

As a result of everything that has happened, I feel abandoned by my husband in our marriage.  I also feel like he was dishonest with me about how things would be for him if his father were to pass.  I feel that he failed to disclose certain aspects about his culture that I probably should have been informed about.  I thought for whatever reason that he and I were solid in our own right to act as parents to our kids as we saw fit without interference.  I thought that my DH would always hold me to be his #1 because that is what he demonstrated to me during our first several years together.  He really only had eyes for me.  And I only had eyes for him.  That being said, no chance in hell that I would date or marry again after DH.  Nope.  Done with that.  No more PD in-laws!

[tragedy or hope]

Wow Pepin,
You have had a lot to deal with. Sounds like you were growing with every sentence you just wrote. The "come up ense" is hard. When we realize we have been duped, no matter what, we feel the full force of self judgement for being so vulnerable.

It's okay. You are not a bad person for not knowing. Your DH is probably who he has always been, you just did not see it. As a young woman, I did not see the Narc. I saw some weird behaviors I thought would eventually straighten out in the relationship.

I knew nothing about narc. for most of the 50 years of my marriage. Many therapists and programs later... I am here. When we are supposed to know, we will know. You are not a victim, you are a resistor now.

I don't feel any of my life was lost because in those years I became who I am today and maybe you did too. Look at you, you are aware like never before. Now you can extricate yourself from the web of narc. control. You life if finally your own because you now know you have choices.

With DH so involved with MiL you are free to not be so enmeshed with him. He does not seem to have it to give. It is not about you as much as it is who is surrounding you now and what you intend to do for yourself.

Thank you for you honest assessment of your life. Someone once said to me "where the is life there is hope." I like that statement.

[SparkStillLit]

We are the resistance! I love it.

[Pepin]

When we are supposed to know, we will know. You are not a victim, you are a resistor now.

This.  I have generally raised my children through the method: when they are ready.  And in almost every instance, it has been true.  It is interesting that I didn't really think about applying it to myself.  Not only that, but how was it in the past that I was supposed to make sense of things when I didn't have access to the right tools? 

I gave up antidepressants 12 years ago and it has taken me this long to have had this a-ha moment.  It took the death of DH's father 9 years ago to also set things in motion that I would have to dismantle.  It took watching other family members respond to PDmil and set boundaries with her, for me to understand.  It took just years of observing PDmil and DH and realizing that they have problems with me because I refuse to get wrapped up in their damaging and manipulative cultural ways. 

And while all of this seems liberating, it is also sad.  But, I'm angry inside.  Angry at having been played again when I was trying to heal.  Duped by a woman who was in her late 60s and then throughout her 70s.  How could I have been so blind?  I was blind because I was focused on more important areas of my life and now the abuse that PDmil dished my way is finally important for me to address.  And that I have to keep setting firm boundaries with DH, even if it upsets him. 

So yes, my daily habits are now about resisting what I don't want in my life anymore.  I don't want abuse of any kind from PDmil or PDmil through DH.  Icing on the cake would be if karma stepped in and gave PDmil a nudge.  She's overdue.