2nd Time Trying to go NC

[Ciaobella]

My mother is a narcissist and suffers from BPD. While she has never been formally diagnosed, my sister, father, and I had multiple therapists over the course of the last 30 years indirectly diagnose her. Whenever mine or my sister's therapists would outline changes my mom should make or offer differing viewpoints we would be told we could not go back to them for various reasons. Mom and I were very close growing up. I look back on the closeness we had and now see that I was the favorite person. I stuck with her during 3 divorces even though she would abandon my sister and I for men. Luckily my father, her first husband, is a wonderful person and is responsible for the normalcy in my life. We were not close growing up as he came out to my sister and I when we were younger. I told my mom and she threatened to take custody of us and told me how terrible being gay was. She would often use it against my dad and it very much altered my perception of him.

Being the favorite put me in an extremely vulnerable state for many years and caused tremendous friction as I became an independent adult no longer living at home. I also became very close to my dad in my late teen years as he became a very important figure for me as I grew into adulthood. Within the past 10 years the emotional abuse has become unbearable with my mother. She has tried to come in between my husband and I and attacks my character with the very things that are attributes she exhibits. In 2019 I went no contact. I was visiting my father in CA with my husband and she was watching our dog. She would go into histrionics stating he was lethargic and appeared to be in pain. This was not the first time we heard these exaggerations as she had watched our dog before. She would call or text at all hours to disrupt the time with my father. My husband agreed to play the go-between whenever she would reach out as she is always on her best behavior with him. But when she noticed I wasn't responding for several days and my husband was the only one communicating she attacked me on the group text knowing I was on the thread. I lost it as this was another trip ruined by her hysterics. I appreciated her watching our dog, but I realized that this became something for her to hold over my head when she needed something in the future. As a result of the things she said, I cut off contact with her for 6 months. I blocked her for the first couple months and then unblocked her once I had hoped things calmed down. I started receiving the most hurtful emails and text messages as soon as I did this. She drinks at night and lives alone. My sister and I know any message sent after 6 is during the "witching hour" and it's best not to engage. In December of 2019 I opened back up the channels of communication because it felt like enough time had passed and I felt guilt around not talking to her during the holidays. The last year has been a rollercoaster with her. She lost her job because of the toxicity she brought to her workplace and was unemployed from January through October. During this time she was spending a lot of money. Buying new furniture and trying to purchase a new home. We were fine from September through December of 2020 until another episode occurred last month. She left town and did not tell anyone she was traveling.  She called me on a Thursday asking if I could go over and spend time with her dog for only a few minutes during the day. She said it would be fine if I couldn't since the neighbor was feeding and walking her, but the other person that was supposed to drop in midday so the dog wouldn't be lonely was stuck in another state. I should mention that she adopted the dog when we were not talking from the exact same place we adopted from. The dog is the same breed and is a mirror image of our dog (My family believes she did this to try and get closer to me). Since our fall out happened over her watching our dog in the summer of 2019 I made a very conscious decision to never get involved... except I told her I could likely stop by Saturday, but could not guarantee it since we had plans. When I let her know I wasn't able to go by, she told me that I neglected a living, breathing creature and brought up how she had watched our dog in the past. Obviously the statement that it was fine if I couldn't go by and that the dog was already being cared for was a bit of a trap that I should have seen coming. After this situation and the texts I received since the incident, I have made the decision that I want to go no contact indefinitely. I have tried medium chill and I do not think mom is capable of respecting my boundaries. She is also reaching out to my husband to ask him for things and then tries to use him as a bridge to get to me. My sister is also pregnant and I know that there will be family gatherings in the future. I am going to have my work cut out for me as I am already feeling pressure to connect with her.

I'm looking for support from others who have loved ones that still maintain contact when you are no contact. My husband loves my mom, but he is over the behavior and has never experienced anything like this. He feels torn and in the middle which I have to accept fault for because he protected me as a human shield. Now that she is digressing to telling him about my failures, it is no longer a safe or healthy place for him (nor was it ever). I deeply regret doing this to him as I feel it's my fault. He married into this family and it's my decision to cut ties as I have suffered for so long and can't deal with the pain and violations anymore. I don't know how to support him in a way that wouldn't feel like I am forcing him to take the same position as me. He's a loving and wonderful person that would do anything to give us a happy, peaceful life, but I want him to make his own decisions. My mom has always said if my husband and I divorced she would talk to him and not me so he can do no wrong in his eyes. Last night my sister had a gender reveal over Zoom and my mom was trying to engage with me. She got extremely upset when my sister's mother in law kept "talking over her" which is almost inevitable on virtual calls. I'm trying to find the best ways to support my sister as she is already very nervous about how my mom will be when the baby is born. She refers to the baby as her own and will not be happy when my sister doesn't allow her to be around constantly. I appreciate the community here so much and finally feel some peace reading that it is okay to choose not to have someone in your life that hurts you.

[bloomie]

Hi Ciaobella. Welcome to Out of the FOG.

What a long and painful road this has been with your mom. I can hear the hurt and confusion in your post and yet, I can also hear resolve and clear thinking as you come to the conclusion that for now anyway, you cannot maintain a close, intimate relationship with your mom given her instability and the chaos and pain she brings.

So wise to give your own DH space to make his decisions about how/if/when he may want to continue contact and to honor your sister's relationship choices with your mother may be different from yours as well.

That sure is a lot to navigate and I am glad you have joined this community of folks who do understand in a unique way.

The resources and conversations taking place throughout the board have been such a huge encouragement for me and a source of validation and strength like nothing I have ever encountered before when working through my own healing from having had a suspected uBPD mother. My hope is you find your time here to be a great help.

Thank you for sharing a bit of what you have been living with and what brings you here. I look forward to supporting you! See you out there on the boards!