Low expectations—a double edged sword?

[Stillirise]

Last night I was having a conversation with an old friend.  She's struggled in her relationship with her mother for all the years I've know her.  My unspoken personal opinion has been she has some valid reasons, but she's also had some pretty lofty (unrealistic?)  expectations of what their mother/daughter relationship should be like.

I mentioned to her last night, after yet another difficult patch with her mom, that I have such low expectations of others, that they rarely disappoint me.  I then joked that stbxUPDh couldn't even live up to those, so he finally got the ax. She said she should really adopt that outlook of lowered expectations for herself. 

I've been thinking about it ever since.  She has struggled with many relationships, not just with her mom, because she's had this ideal vision in her mind of how that relationship should play out.  She then gets terribly disappointed and discouraged when it doesn't turn out that way.  It may be that lowering her expectations of others could give her greater satisfaction in her relationships.

On the other hand, I now see how my bargain basement expectations for others are partially responsible on the path I'm on.  I feel like from here on, I do want to set slightly higher expectations for those I allow into my life. I may be disappointed at times, but I hopefully won't end up in a close relationship with someone that has a PD again!

Can anyone else relate to that?

[Poison Ivy]

Yes, I definitely can relate to this.

[treesgrowslowly]

I understand what you are saying here.

Having expectations of how other people will behave is part of both healthy and toxic relationships.

Sometimes people can meet  certain expectations that someone else can't. Who do we blame in those situations?

I have learned that it is important to get a realistic view of other people. This forum has helped me with the work of being very realistic about my FOO members.

Counselling can help someone talk about their expectations. A good counsellor will be able to guide that discussion about what her expectations are.

I don't think healthy close relationships are ones with low expectations. I think it is healthy for us to be able to rely on someone but it has to be someone who is able to be here with us not just show up when they need something.  Someone we don't know well then yeah its nice not to have expectations of them.

That's a real grey area sometimes though. Its hard to only know people who are keeping us at a distance.

Going through life never having expectations of people sounds good on paper...especially to those of us who've been through PD abuse. But in real life it gets lonely when we don't have anyone we can rely on.

Trees

[notrightinthehead]

I can totally relate to this. Just like I exclusively by clothing that is on sale I have a collection of bargain people - those that would find it difficult to befriend someone because of their "quirkiness". 
As my self esteem has improved I have started to take offence at some behaviour towards me and mentioned that  and it has not been received well.  I think it is a good idea to raise the bar and have higher - but reasonable - expectiations. I have been making lists of what I expect from a friend and luckily some of the newer aquaintances bring more to the table than my school friends!

[DistanceNotDefense]

I definitely relate to this. Restructuring expectations and closeness with certain people I have found to be a huge step for me in healing from dysfunctional FOO and fostering a healthy FOC. I'm almost excited to work on it since I've unveiled my own codependency issues.

What is healthy to expect of someone? I guess it's different with each person you connect with. Depends on whether or not they freely give what you're expecting, and you give that in return. If they don't, you don't need to let them any closer.

I realized recently that I have subconsciously hungered for and expected the care and loving of a sister or mother (that I didn't get as a child) from my female relationships all my life. Combined with the fact that the only way I'd get any shred of approval or support was if I set aside my emotions and attended to theirs 100% like a therapist, this makes for a nasty combo and a sad self-fulfilling prophecy of attracting only users.

Anyways I also totally agree with Treesgrowslowly! We need human connection to survive. Loneliness and too high of expectations isn't the answer, but we still have to get our needs met. However, some of those needs (past emotional wounds) we need to meet ourselves while we reframe the purpose of why we have relationships with others...they can't be all about healing emotional wounds, and they can't be based on control (e.g. envisioning a relationship to develop in an extremely specific way and feeling completely disheartened when it does not).

I have similar struggles to your friend, Stillrise. The way I'm trying to work on them is placing more favor on friendships that fill my cup and aren't *completely* based on each of us caretaking the other, but maybe more on overlapping interests and hobbies, just chatting and having a good time, sharing memories of the past we experienced together. I realize I have plenty of those! Why do I put so much more emphasis (and fret about) the bonds where I hope someone can take care of me emotionally, and soothe those childhood wounds (and do that for them in return a.k.a. trauma bonding) than the ones where I just enjoy myself and have a good time?

Maybe your friend (like me) doesn't realize that is what she is searching for, is for an emotional caregiver to make up for past hurt, without realizing that healthy friendships can't be built on that. I mean, they can, but that takes years and years and years of slow building trust. I've done two things: I've greatly increased the expectations of people I choose to have very  close to me and share emotional things with, while dropping my expectations of my current friends I just have a good time with and share interests. While avoiding hand-picking among them the most emotionally supportive, still, perhaps some of them I may get closer with eventually. The prospect of that make some very happy and I think it's a win-win.