Referring to people as their roles instead of by name...

[Cat of the Canals]

My husband's brother died just over a month ago, and his unBPD mother has suddenly started referring to my deceased BIL as "My Son" (capital letters to indicate that she says it with much drama) instead of by name.

Now that I've noticed it, I've been thinking back to the times my unBPD mom and aunt have talked about their deceased mother (almost certainly also BPD) as "My Mother." She had a nickname I gave her as a baby, which is how everyone has always referred to her. But when they're in the mood for melodrama, suddenly it's, "I can't believe she'd say that about My Mother!"

With my MIL in particular, we've gotten the sense that she's trying to forget/rewrite who my truly BIL was and is replacing him with this sanitized version. He was a wonderful man. Funny and unique and very much a "square peg," and she's never hidden the fact that she'd prefer her children be the sort of pegs that fit into society's pre-drilled holes. It's like she's already starting to shave off all his rough corners to make him fit now that he's not here to remind her who he really is.

Has anyone else noticed this kind of behavior?

[lavalove]

Condolences for your loss.  I'm so sorry.  Uuugggg.  Yes, unfortunately and also related to loss of a family member.  My uBPD mother did this when her brother died.  They had barely a relationship and she ignored him for decades.  She played this card while acting out like a 2 year old because her nieces and nephews were making decisions about funeral arrangements without seeking her approval.  Suddenly in her mind they were best buddies to try to put the attention on her.  This was just the tip of the iceberg of drama that she created for the occasion.   

[Thru the Rain]

I totally get the "shaving off the corners". My uPDM does this to me, my siblings and each of our spouses - and we're all still alive.

We don't often get together, but I always get the sense my M is really confused by who we "really" are, and how much it doesn't match her imagination. It's especially stark when she interacts with my DH, who she only sees every 4 or 5 years.

She usually ends up drifting into another room away from everyone else, where her fantasy versions of each of us won't be disturbed.

[Cat of the Canals]

This was just the tip of the iceberg of drama that she created for the occasion. 

Yep, that sounds about right! Somehow it always ends up being about them, doesn't it?

I totally get the "shaving off the corners". My uPDM does this to me, my siblings and each of our spouses - and we're all still alive.

I'm sorry you've experienced this. It's a frustrating thing to watch.

[square]

It seems this behavior accomplishes two "benefits" for the PD:

1) As you said, it erases the person. "Bob" is no longer "Bob," a wholly unique human being with these particular attributes. "Bob" can be rewritten to someone more generic and useful to the PD.

2) It centers the PD. It's not "Bob" but "MY son." She, the grieving mother, is at the center. "MY son" is HER appendage, to be molded and wielded as suits her. "Bob" had a mother but he was his own man, but "MY son" is always fundamentally HERS.