I see freedom in my future

[JustKeepTrying]

This pandemic has been horrific.  Due to my health, I have been stuck in my apartment.  Since the beginning of August, I can count the number of live interactions on one hand.  Food is delivered and zoom calls are dwindling.  I was really in a dark place this past week with texts and emails from my OCPDxh and struggling with anxiety.  Lots of chest tightness, nausea, light-headed - all of it.  The health department told me I didn't qualify for the vaccine due to my age - despite the stage iv cancer.  Just an awful week.  Until I got a call from a friend who needed someone to use a dose - waste list.  Use it or dump it kind of thing.  So I got my first dose yesterday.  YEAH!  In six weeks DS can move home and we can start to plan the end of high school and beginning of college.

Since I left my ex over a year ago I have been planning on travel 24/7 once my ds goes to college.  Then the pandemic.  Broke my leg (still recovering).  And all the loneliness, depression, and anxiety that goes with it.  My oldest children are angry with me saying there was abuse.  It's a mess.

But today, despite the side effects of the vaccine, I began to have hope.  I know in my heart this whole thing is temporary but it's been hard.  Now, I think it can all happen.  Perhaps the past seven months in solitary confinement is a blessing.  A time to heal both physically and mentally.  A time to plan and think without the pressure of my ex.  Yeah, it's been worrisome because my son is literally couch surfing/homeless for his senior year but he is also gaining life skills that he will need in college.  There are some positives that I need to lean on.

And in the fall, I can leave.  I don't need to be in the same town as him.  I have no family here.  I can go and enjoy the scenery, hike, sleep and finally feel free.  After 32 years of mind f&*(ing abuse, I can have my own space that is all mine.  Every day his voice is less and less.  Every day I feel myself slowly separating from him and all of his OCPD hangups and tirades and joylessness.  I'm 55 and even with cancer, I will have a future that is full of beauty, nature and peace.  I bought a small RV and plan to camp my way across the US for the next several years.  My ds can come and visit me wherever I am - he's cool with it.  my daughters can do the same - when they want.  I have bent over backwards to give them a normal life, support them and love them.  This is their issue now and I can't do anything about it.  So I am going to live my life and they can just deal with it.

I am going to be free.  if you could see me now, you would see me crying while I write this.  I feel like I finally have a future.  and it's beautiful.

[Free2Bme]

HI Just keep trying,

I remember your posts about your fracture and cancer Dx, all of that and the pandemic....whew. 

It is healthy that you can see some benefits from the isolation, and that you have some plans to look forward to. 

I love the idea of trekking across America, sounds so wonderful. 

Keep focusing on the blessings and take care of yourself mind, body, spirit, and keep us posted   

[Boat Babe]

I'm so glad you are surviving this incredibly difficult time and coming out of it stronger.

I live on a boat and travel a bit in the summer on British rivers and canals. I live on my own with my dog and it's a great life. Highly recommend!  Very best of luck Free2bme

[Hepatica]

JustKeepTrying,

A beautiful, moving post. I love that you are exercising that positive, encouraging voice inside of yourself, that is the healthy voice we should have had all along but for many reasons gets sidelined and taken over by PD's.

You've woken up to realize you can give that to yourself. Truly beautiful and great progress and I wonder too, if this pandemic isolation is doing something good, in that is giving us some "forced" downtime that isn't totally terrible.

Keep protecting your peace and look at this time as the time for planning something wonderful. You deserve that. 

[Hilltop]

JustKeepTrying - your plan sounds amazing.  The beauty of being close to nature and breathing in that lovely crisp air and being able to move on somewhere new when you get bored of the location you are in.  Such a great lifestyle and I'm sure you will meet other likeminded people along the way doing the same thing.  Its easy to keep in touch with others back home who you want to talk to.  Its easy to block that exH of yours too and put him in your rear view mirror. 

Big hugs for the painful year you have had.  It sounds tough.  You have come through it stronger though, with a great plan, with a positive outlook.  Hold tight to that.

Boat babe your life sounds amazing.  I must have a little nomad in me, I look forward to early retirement to hit the road for a year, live overseas for a while.

The two of you are so inspiring.