We have a settlement agreement!

[LiftingFog]

I knew another settlement offer was coming because the STBXuNPDh emailed me again!  It was another vet appt. forwarded message and he asked who was (pet's name) and if I had adopted another kitty or doggy.  I didn't respond, and my support friends joked about taking bets on if a new proposal was forthcoming.  It came 3 days later. 

I was going to accept it because it was fair.  All of my financial contributions to the new house and his new car would be reimbursed.  My lawyer told me to take the weekend to think it over, reminding me that STBx waited 3 weeks in between offers.  I waited a week and told my lawyer that I would accept it.  He then said we should come back with a higher number - 5K more.  Granted, this would cover my attorney's fees, but how was he so sure I'd get it?  Small detail in the greater scheme of things, I suppose.  24 hrs later, he emailed me saying that it seems that STBx has accepted that amount and will make arrangements through our lawyer's for me to pick up the rest of my belongings.  (He had moved some of my stuff out of the storage room and locked them in a room where he was hiding, when I first came to get my stuff.  This was his way of ensuring I'd seek him out before leaving so he could get me to sign a bunch of documents he had printed out himself.  I didn't sign anything and because of this manipulative act, I lawyered up that week.)

So now my question is...what next?  Or maybe, what do I need to prepare for?  Our lawyers will handle the divorce paperwork and signing of papers, but we will have to have a judge sign off on the actual divorce, right?  And that means I'll have to see his face again-either in person or via zoom?  And lastly, from what I've read, the judge offers each of us a chance to say anything we want.  Is that correct? 

I don't want to see him, and I don't want to hear anything he has to say.  How can I prevent these things from happening or how can I minimize my stress?  I have nothing to say to him and I'm thinking about putting him on mute if he opens his mouth.  I'll have to gray rock virtually. 

This may seem small and petty, especially after all he's put me through last year and how far I've come, but I don't want to let anything f*ck with my zen.

[Poison Ivy]

Divorce procedure varies from state to state. In my state, the parties do have to appear at the final hearing, whether or not they've reached an agreement.

I was working on an agreement that I hoped my husband would agree to. He said some things during a conference with the court commissioner (separate from and before the final hearing) that came out of the blue and resulted in me losing my composure. I suggested changes to the agreement, in my husband's favor. He agreed. I explained to him that we would be allowed to say "no, I don't like the agreement" or "no, I don't agree to getting a divorce" at the final hearing but that I preferred to not be blindsided again. I asked him to let me know ahead of time if he changed his mind. But I knew that was no guarantee. I also asked a family member to accompany me to the final hearing. That helped me maintain my composure, as did not having to look directly at my husband: We were seated either at the same table or tables next to each other but not across from each other.

[LiftingFog]

Thanks, Poison Ivy.  That's exactly the info I was hoping for. 

I will either bring a friend with me or have him be in the same room (out of the camera's view) if we do this over zoom.  A shot of tequila right before isn't out of the question either. 

[JustKeepTrying]

As said, proceedings differ but we had to appear before a magistrate.  This occurred just before lockdown a year ago.  Small room and my xOCPDh was only a few feet away.  We each had our lawyers.  The magistrate asked if we had been in counseling and had we considered all avenues before going forward.  I actually hesitated at that question and looked at him.  He was looking down and I realized that yes, I was ready. 

Just prior to the appearance, we were still negotiating the split of money.  I had found a lot of hidden money and he wanted certain accounts but our state is a 50/50 split.  So his lawyer kept going between conference rooms negotiating.  It was little crap but my lawyer held fast.  Thank goodness.

And then it was over.  Completely free and I was drained but happy.  Take a friend if you need too but also remember the confidence you will gain when you do it.  It is a wonderful feeling and that is the focus to keep.  The end is near and it will all be over soon.