EnDad dying - BPD mother withholding info - being mobbed/ mistreated by family

[Lamplite]

Hello
title says it all.

Went no Contact with BPD ageing mother whose coercive control has been appalling for 60 years of marriage, and have resisted the hoovering (of all types - financial, triangulating, threats, stalking my 11 year old daugher, turning up at the house, physical violence) and finally involved the police.
Being punished with abuse for not tolerating abuse and keeping boundaries strong to protect me and Dear Daughter.

Found out enDad seriously ill in hospital (10 days after he was admitted). Been able to speak to him and have a laugh re his old workmates and he passed on details of his involvement in his organisation that are of social historical importance. I've been updating the ntework and relaying uplifting messages of support to him. I texted my nephew asking him to look out for the things my dad has mentioned among his stuff. Turns out dad has been released from hospital today, apparently . I thought my dad was on the mend (nursing staff won't tell me anything, and he said he was getting better. Nephew responds with a nasty text saying, portraying that I was trying to get my hands on my dad's stuff, that in fact he's dying (am i stupid? he suggests), that I need to get my priorities straight and enjoy precious time with my dad (proxy hoover) and he doesnt want to hear from me again (gold digga that I am). I texted back explaining that I have been out of the loop, that I didnt know my dad's condition (thanks for telling me) and that I had prioritised his old mine-working stuff because he had himself considered it important. I got a thumbs up emoji acknowledgement (which i read as a f*ck *ff).

So desperately sad and confused. I know what's happening. My BPD/HPD sister (nephew's mother) is in allegiance with BPD mother (even though they also hate each others' guts). wider family know what they're like and yet STILL they scapegoat me. I understand this. I know this. I should not be suprised by this. And yet I am. I cannot understand why the WANT to hate me so much.

I am mourning for my dad. I want to see him, but in truth he is responsible for creating this situation and since I went No Contact with mother, the responsibility of that choice is placed on him - and the whole family will not permit that. I cannot go and see him because of my boundarries and also the police warned me not to go to my mother's home since she was physically abusing me and making false accusations against me.

What in God's name did we scapegoats ever do to deserve this? I dont even know if I will be able to attend my own dad's funeral. I am loathed for standing up for myself, by golden people who never had to...

Thank you for understanding, and for being there. I could use some words of comfort. kindest regards Lamplite xxxx

[Boat Babe]

How unutterably awful, twisted and sick. I am so, so sorry.

You know the PD score but it doesn't stop it hurting. Well done for keeping your boundaries to protect yourself from your mother despite the pain. Thank you for sharing here so that we can all come together and support you and others in similar circumstances.

We are holding your hand as you go through this and will listen to you as you need to vent and cry. You are not alone Lamplite. ❤️❤️❤️

[Hilltop]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I suppose all you can do is try to contact your dad if you want and tell him to call you when he can if he wants to talk.  Being the enabler though, he may not be able to do that.  I dare say if your mother knows you want to contact him she will make it impossible. 

You didn't do anything to deserve this, it is nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own disordered behaviours.  Part of me wonders about the information about him dying.  I would personally want confirmation from your dad about that, PD's have been known to do this as a hoover tactic or dramatize the information for a response.  Even your dad said he was getting better and he was released from hospital this seems different from your nephew saying he is dying.  Did you ask your dad about his condition when he was in hospital? 

I do know that most funeral homes can now live stream the service so if it isn't safe for you to attend it may be possible to watch it live from a safe location.  I understand this isn't for everyone but its an option.  You could organise that with the funeral home and don't need to go through your family to do so. 

I'm sorry, it sounds really frustrating.  I am not sure what is up with PD's wanting to withhold information, its a thing with them.

[Lamplite]

Boatbabe and Hilltop

Thank you for your soothing words and understanding.

Since posting a few hours ago, I've had another - more conciliatory - text from my nephew, seeming to acknowledge my reasons for my 'behaviour' and saying he didnt want to fall out with me (or anyone else) - he's in the middle of me and the PDs. He modified his first message, saying ' I dont think you realise how seriously ill he is and I dont want you to miss the chance to see him again'. I texted back, civilly explaining that I cant  visit him - because of mam's abuse and police advice - and that I will help them if I can - but only from a distance.

You're right Hilltop! I rang t he hospital. The nursing staff were cautious about sharing information but assured me there was no mention of palliative care on his notes, that he had been discharged in 'medically sound' condition and that they were not aware that he was at risk of imminent death. (though he is 90, so naturally failing). So it seems most likely that nephew is speculating on enDad's condition, fuelled by the emotional blackmail machinations of BPD mother and sister (sister, nephews mother, is a nurse who 'knows it all'). So he may be an unwitting flying monkey delivering hurtful but wrong informatijon. I think I'm relieved - but I just dont know whant games they're gonna play next.

I've stayed in touch with Nephew by text but have  'taken a break' from him on FB as I'm going to need to protect myself from this rollercoaster stuff going forward.

any more comments gratefully accepted - thank you so far for your insights.

[Hilltop]

That's interesting that they said he was released medically sound.  As you say at 90 things can change pretty quickly but it does make me question your nephew.  Him telling you that you need to spend time with your dad now sounds more like a hoover. 

I'm so sorry what a roller coaster of emotions you must be going through.  Your nephews responses that have gone from nasty to now nice sounds to me like he is being played and that you are right in thinking he is a flying monkey.

Sounds like you have handled it great.  I would take this time to think about how you want to handle it moving forward, what communication you may want to have with your dad and what help you are willing to give.  I would be wary of them now asking for monetary help but hopefully that doesn't happen.

Be strong with your boundaries and keep yourself safe.  I think its smart to keep your communication with your nephew by text only.  Keep the door open but keep your life private and protect yourself.  Big hugs, playing games at a time like this is just so cruel, remember this is them doing this, don't doubt yourself.

[AlisonWonder]

Lamplite I am sorry you are going through this.   I missed both parents funerals because I wasn't told.  I still don't see that there is anything I could have done differently.  If we knew when they were going to go, we could visit them "just once" beforehand, but we don't know, and we can't visit every week "just in case".  Not under these circumstances.  It would give the PD too much leverage.

I had to remind myself, Dad chose this one way or another.
Take good care of yourself.