An apology at last and a realization

[samtosha]

I have been dipping in and out of this forum and I appreciate all the wisdom you all share! It's helped me figure some things out and I feel like I'm making progress - and somebody wrote recently that it never really goes away no matter if you think you're FINE and it's a life-long process. So true!

For example: the other day I went to my uPDM's house to do her a favor, DH was with me and tbh she's usually much nicer to me when he's around because she totally plays up to men. Plus she's going into a bit of dementia and has become more benign in general, so I wasn't prepared for the the FIRST thing out of her mouth to be a snarky comment about something I was wearing - a thing I happen to like a lot, that's why I was wearing it! I FROZE. What is that paralyzed reaction to hearing criticism? I knew from long, painful experience that anything I said in response would be met with one of the following: "you're too sensitive", "you're overreacting", "I was just kidding", "you can't take criticism", or, her recent favorite, astonished face/laughter. I literally have been laughed at by both my late NF and her whenever I objected to being put down, undermined, demeaned, shamed, whatever my entire life. I certainly would never say "that hurts my feelings" - too vulnerable. I suppose I could have just said "that's not nice, Mom," but I was too caught off guard and I was just shut down/pissed off for the rest of the time I was there, which was fortunately brief.

Anyway, I guess she NOTICED (shock!) because a full 48 hours later I received a text from her to the effect of "I'm sorry, I have never learned to hold my tongue." Color me astonished! Not once in the last 58 years has that woman spontaneously apologized to me about anything! My reply: "Yup, I know, believe me. But I appreciate the apology, thanks." Which marks a bit of a turning point for me in terms of being direct with her. It was easier via text because she wouldn't be able to laugh in my face, but I honestly feel like I turned a tiny, little corner. It may not seem like much, but you all know mustering the courage to speak your truth to someone who  demonstrably doesn't care about your feelings is HUGE.

Here's the thing - she can apologize for the shi**y things she says all she wants. It doesn't change anything and it doesn't mean I forgive the entire lifetime of petty emotional abuse I suffered from both my parents. I'm pretty sure she only did it now because she fears abandonment. She cries to my brother (but not to me) about how lonely she is so I know she's worried. But it's too late! I've emotionally abandoned her already! I'm VVLC and will occasionally visit or do brief favors but I'm not in any way trying to spend time with her. Up until now I think she may have been convincing herself I was just "busy" -  though I am chilly and distant when I do have to see her - but she may have seen some truth at last.

So now I feel like I can actually be a bit more honest going forward, like she's opened the door for me to state my truth more directly now that she's shown the first shred of awareness of my actual feelings.  I think I've been feeling sorry for how pathetic she is these days, afraid of being labeled the "bad" child, plus I know how she dismisses my feelings whenever I express them - that's all kept me stuck in this place of pretending/making nice and suffering so much in silence. So the apology was great, but not for the reasons she might think. I'm sure I'll backslide and have other horrible moments, but I don't feel afraid anymore of her finding out I don't WANT to be around her. Because It's entirely her own fault!

Anyway, I just wanted to say that. Couldn't have done it without you all.  Thanks everyone for sharing your journeys. 

[SunnyMeadow]

So the apology was great, but not for the reasons she might think. I'm sure I'll backslide and have other horrible moments, but I don't feel afraid anymore of her finding out I don't WANT to be around her. Because It's entirely her own fault!

That's a big step samtosha! I'll bet it feels really good to come to that realization. I've been keeping that in mind too. She caused ALL the turmoil in her life even though she doesn't think so.

It's nice you received an apology, no matter if sincere or not. I think my mother is incapable of even giving a bare minimum apology so your mother is doing relatively well. Can you imagine if this opens the door to more of them? 

[samtosha]

I was pretty amazed! Though it was nice to get, I'm pretty sure it was sent because she's suddenly afraid to alienate me. Shrug?

[Cat of the Canals]

Here's the thing - she can apologize for the shi**y things she says all she wants. It doesn't change anything and it doesn't mean I forgive the entire lifetime of petty emotional abuse I suffered from both my parents.

I love this, and it's something I need to remember for myself. I think we are so used to the abuse that even the smallest crumbs of kindness/contrition/etc. can appear meaningful. But the truth is they will never make up for the fact that we've been starved for so long.

I also think you're smart to be wary of the reasons behind the apology. My unBPD mother is pretty adept at seeming genuinely empathetic but only if she feels trapped or it suits her agenda.

[Outsiderchild]

Here's the thing about the little crumbs:  too late.  PD gives a little crumb of kindness for whatever reason.  Could be just yet another set up, could be posturing for other people, could even be that rarest of miracles, a genuine sorrow for their choices.    Well, I have been starving for decades and that little crumb may make the PD feel like they have somehow atoned for all that with just a few words, but guess what?  I am still dealing with the results of THEIR behaviors and THEIR choices.  I didn't get choices, I was the child.  So I still deal with the emotional starvation and a little crumb isn't going to help me after years of malnutrition and starvation.  It's taking years of treatments and good "nutrition" for me to heal. 

That "crumb" that the PD needs to give me is still about what THEY want, not about me at all.  One vitamin isn't going to cure my emotional rickets. 

Sorry for the rant, guess I need to do more work since this obviously touched a nerve!

[samtosha]

Exactly! It's too little, much too late. I totally agree! It's also so transparently manipulative. 

Things are getting complicated over here - she's been telling my poor brother nobody "needs her anymore" and she "doesn't want to live" which prompted him to fly cross-country yesterday to spend a few days down in hell with her. He knows it's emotional blackmail but he also doesn't have the history with her that I do, so he's OK with it, I guess? However, we will be going around to visit a few times over the next few days  - to see HIM - and I popped in here to see what people have said about what to do about manipulative suicide threats! Ugh!

Also, I've been reading up on martyr syndrome and I think uPDM has an interesting blend of that and a weird form of narcissism - her main personality trait is that she's always needed to be superior to everyone but especially to me and other women - by being right about everything and better than everyone -  but I'm seeing the superiority also comes from two other things - one, being victimized and the ONLY one who can do anything, nobody can help her. (She never wants my help but she whines that nobody helps her. She's willing to accept my bro's help - but I think that's because he's not in her superiority hierarchy!), And two, from being "needed"! The "nobody needs me" is a little weird, yeah? She gets some kind of ego fulfillment from being needed, right? Which I realized also puts her in the superior position! Anyone who "needs" someone is automatically inferior! Wow!

And there you have my childhood in a nutshell. Oy.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm so sorry you're being manipulated by her. And not even directly! She manipulates your brother and then you end up over there to give him moral support (I'm guessing). They really have their games down, don't they?

My mother has that blend of superiority and neediness as well. Have you read Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson? That was the true eye-opener for me, especially the way she divides BPD into four archetypes: queen, witch, waif, hermit. My mother is usually in Queen mode. She knows everything. Her ideas are always best. If you disagree with her, you are WRONG. But if she is challenged at all, she will turn into a Witch and say something cruel in an attempt to hurt/scare you into giving her what she wants. If that doesn't work, she switches to Waif, usually running to a third party to tell them how MEAN you are. Ugh.

My guess is that you found the general advice for threats of suicide is to tell her if she is having suicidal thoughts, then you will be calling 911.

Hang in there!

[samtosha]

Cat, thank you! I did find that advice about calling 911. She didn't say anything about it to us on either visit but I expect it will come up at some point. And that book looks interesting, I'll check it out. 

Things were fine on visit one but yesterday my GC brother seemed a little "loaded for bear" and kept needling me and DH in a really obnoxious way - in front of my son who had also come to visit - and I think he's gone over to the dark side after spending a few days with uPDM. Sigh. I had thought he was an ally, someone I could trust, but they both seemed to have decided that I'm selfish and lack empathy. So I'm really going it alone now.

Thanks so much for the support! It's great to be understood and not judged.