Struggling with NC

[FindingHappinessAgain]

Anyone else new to NC and find themselves internally struggling to keep things NC? 

Went NC with my BM 5 weeks ago and find myself thinking about breaking NC almost daily (haven't though). I find that most of my thoughts that revolve around breaking NC stem from some sort of romanticized idea that she can be the parent I need her to be, even though deep down I know she can never be that person.

How do you deal with NC struggles?

Some days are easier than others for me. I think the 'monthiversary' last week has had me in a funny headspace this past week.

[completelyperdue]

I have only been NC now for a few days, and I can relate somewhat to the struggle that you're going through and what I will be probably facing as time goes by.

I would say what has helped for me so far is to remind myself of why I have gone through the steps of lowering the amount of contact over the years to where I am at now with NC. If that means looking at some of your old posts here or keeping a written list tucked away, then that might be a tool for you to use as a reminder of why you are NC with your BM.

Hope this helps a little bit.

[feelingandhealing]

I am fairly new to NC. Its only been seven months. Initially into going NC, I struggled terribly and kept asking myself whether I had done the right thing? The answer was always yes. And since there really was no normal adult relationship with my uNPDM to salvage, I didn't and don't have thoughts to break the NC.   

Since going NC, there have been several extremely challenging days. On those days, I reminded myself that uNPDM's behaviours have consequences and that means NC.

I began NC upon reaching my breaking point. You have probably done the same. Since going NC, I sure do not miss the communications and interactions with the dark cloud and albatross. Yet very early on in my NC something just didn't quite seem right. Maybe it was simply a matter of (to paraphrase Margalis Fjelstad) without the chaos, normal does not feel so normal.

I still struggle at times. Yet, I do encourage you to enjoy the new normal.  Hang in there. It does get better.  And congrats on going NC FindingHappinessAgain

[My New Life]

I have been NC with my uBP/N mother for 20 months. 

Sometimes, the isolation of it feels overwhelming.  It is not something I can really talk about with friends.  What does that conversation even look like? 
"Oh, you don't speak to your 80 year old mother?  During COVID?"   
To most people that sounds horrible.  Personality Disorders and Narcissism are difficult to explain to anyone who has not lived with it.  Tell people you are NC with an alcoholic or physically abusive parent, and they can kind of understand where you are coming from.  Tell them you are going NC with a "Narcissist" and people envision someone who looks at themselves too long in the mirror - how could that be abusive?  Plus, going into detail about some of what my family has endured, feels disloyal.  Like I am tattling or looking for pity.  Talking to family can be a bit of a minefield.  Sometimes I do it, but usually I regret it.  I talk about it with my husband, but he has been dealing with my mother for over 30 years.  He is kind of exhausted.  And although NC is new, the problems with my mother are an old, tired subject.  So I tend not to talk about it.  Joining this forum, is part of me trying to break my silence and connect with others.  Reading the thoughts and experiences of others, is so very helpful.

I wrote a document I entitled, "Going No Contact" and I pull it out from time to time, when I need to remember why I am doing this.  Also, I know that I was uncomfortable, and so miserable in the relationship for over 30 years. I trust that I have tried everything I possibly could, to stay in relationship with this person.  As difficult as going NC is, going back in is a lot worse, which is a strong indication of how unlivable the situation was.

I also try to focus on the gifts of going NC, which are many, and include:
- Freedom from horror
- Freedom from accusation
- Freedom from fear and anxiety of every interaction
- Freedom from experiencing life through the filter of what she is going to do or say about it
- Freedom from trying to fix problems, I never would have created
- Freedom from the vortex of her interpretation of people, events, and situations
- Freedom from having recurring nightmares of someone invading my home (sense of self) and stabbing me to death (death by 1000 cuts).  I rarely have this dream anymore, since going no contact, and I used to have it several times a month.
- Freedom to protect my self and family from the toxic negativity and explosive furies she brought
- Freedom to begin healing, which takes time and effort, and for me, writing
-Freedom to use my life energy, to live my life, instead of trying to fix the unfixable

I can say, I used to question my decision daily and wrestle with myself over the answer.  Then I would just ask myself daily if I had made the right decision, and immediately tell myself, yes, I had.  Now, I think about her, send a prayer for her well-being, and get on with my day.  It does seem to be getting better and easier.  I wish you healing energy and strength.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm three years NC. It got easier. Not to say I will never doubt myself. Actually I suspect I'm in sort of a sweet spot regarding NC. The first year was definitely the worst. My parents behaved worse than I had ever seen them and it proved to me that NC was the only way I could manage them. It's only after a long time of silence that I began to think, well maybe in the future...

That's abuse amnesia talking. In the beginning the doubts are the programming not yet being broken. Whenever I look at the FACTS, what actually happened, I am so grateful I'm out. Most of the time though, I simply don't think of them at all. And I think that's best.

I do know someone IRL who went back after 8 years NC, and that scares me. So I don't ever want to get complacent and think I can handle it. Even if I could.... Why should I? I've filled my life with my FOC and my own interests. I'm not willing to make space for dysfunction now that I've claimed space for what is good and true and beautiful.

[Worthy One]

I have been no contact with my Narc Mother and Brother for almost 5 years now.  I remember how badly I was  treated by other family members, and how hard it was for me.  There are stages I think one must go through before coming to a place of acceptance and peace.  I hope you know, that you are not alone!  There are many of us out there that really understand how difficult going no contact is.  It's as if you are your own superhero!  I can only say to you, that from my experience it's all worth it.  You're worth it!  Just keep going, and know that it's normal to go through all these changes, but if you survived that toxic environment you can survive this! 

[AlisonWonder]

I was NC for several years, and it took me about 15 years to get there, what with going back and forth over it.
What helped me was realising that the feelings I was having about NC were love.  I loved my mother.  I was concerned for her, I wanted to help her.  I just not believe she loved me, for example she never smiled at me.  Laughed, and grinned, yes.  Smiled, no.  I did not make her feel that way.  That's not mentioning the toxic things she did do of course.

I hope this helps clarify something for you, one way or the other.

PS I wanted to help but could not.  You can't help grandiose people, they turn it around on you every time.

Anyone else new to NC and find themselves internally struggling to keep things NC? 

Went NC with my BM 5 weeks ago and find myself thinking about breaking NC almost daily (haven't though). I find that most of my thoughts that revolve around breaking NC stem from some sort of romanticized idea that she can be the parent I need her to be, even though deep down I know she can never be that person.

How do you deal with NC struggles?

Some days are easier than others for me. I think the 'monthiversary' last week has had me in a funny headspace this past week.