Can one temporarily go no contact? Or is that medium chill?

[Breakthrough]

I wasn't sure where to post this, but this part of the forum seems like the best fit.

I have a sister who I think is BPD.  She responds to request for boundaries by promptly tromping all over them.  I have decided since to simply block her on my phone, as she flips out at very reasonable requests or sends passive aggressive answers.  2 examples.  She was angry txting me at work bc she disagrees with medical decisions I have made for my kids.  I told her, I am busy at work, pls stop texting me.  She sent me 49 more txts.  Blocked her.  The most recent one, she sent txt to the family txt chains at 1 am, when I had a busy work cycle coming up.  I texted, pls do not txt after 11pm.  She stopped but then sent passive aggressive txt about how to turn off my alerts.  I said as much, and explained I felt mine was a reasonable request but was very busy with work, and would then block her until I had time to sort out my alerts since she was not agreeing to stop texting after 11pm, and I couldn't afford to keep being woken while busy working.  She then sent me invites to photo albums where she screenshot Her txts to me, emailed me at least 6 times with nasty emails also.  I read the first 3 which were nasty and hurtful, and I almost responded.  I never accepted her shared album requests.  She had uninvited me to her home, which is where we have family gatherings yearly, not new, she does this every year.  I am sick of the emotional rollercoaster and manipulation.  I decided I am not unblocking her and I will be filtering her emails unread going forward.  I need to prioritize my own mental and physical health and focus my energy on my husband and kids.  I am tired of being my sister's punching bag.  She no longer wants me at our zoom Bible studies and asked we arrange a schedule, which puts my other sister in the middle.  I decided I will just not attend anymore to avoiding putting my siblings in the middle. (We have 2 other sisters and a brother).  I have forgiven her for a lot, but I can no longer tolerate her abuse. 

I haven't spoken to any other family members since this occurred, in the past they guilt me into pretending nothing happened or taking her abuse more for the sake of family peace.  I am not trying to disturb the family peace, I just want to prioritize myself for once.  I think I am a scapegoat and lost child, my older sister is the scapegoat and golden child at times, my other 2 sisters the golden children, and one sometimes the jester.  My younger brother largely avoided all this or is the golden child, mostly bc he is a lot younger and the only boy.

So I guess I am going no contact, and have done so with my toxic NPD MIL as well, but with her, I have opened the door to medium chill and low contact for the sake of my husband since it's his family member. 

With my sister, I would eventually prefer low contact and medium chill, because I would like to maintain contact with my nephews, and to appease my other family, including my mom.  Though honestly, I do have to block her on my phone as I use that for work and she exhibits no ability to respect reasonable boundaries when asked.  I can't have those distractions, my job is intense and time sensitive, I have to work quickly and efficiently (and accurately).  I don't have the time or emotional space to deal with her drama, and yet she refuses to even delay.  If I could have zero contact with her and maintain some relationship with my nephews, that would be good, but I don't see that happening.  I am though willing to have zero contact with her, it's much more peaceful, it bothers my mom a lot. It also means less contact with my other siblings.  I have realized that is okay with me.  I am going to brainstorm some new traditions to do with my kids at Christmas.  Hopefully things will be a little more open this coming Christmas so we can go a few places, even if just locally.

So I guess with my rambling, how do I define no contact?  Is it still fine if it's just temporary so I can breathe?  It feels good to have some semblance of control.  I think that's what angered her so much, she wouldn't respect boundaries so I enforced them and then she went over the top trying to breakthrough them anyway.  It's really silly to me that she would flip out over a reasonable request, but that is a PD I guess, no rhyme or reason sometimes.

[bloomie]

Hi Breakthrough - the boundaries and limits you have put in place sound healthy. Prioritizing the preservation of your energy for your family and work and own needs by blocking phone contact from someone who is abusing the privilege is very wise. Doing that in the context of a larger family group can be very challenging.

Stepping back for awhile and giving yourself some time and distance to care for yourself and focus on your own life and family sounds like a really good self care move. It doesn't have to be a permanent NC, but you can distance yourself and decide if you want to have some kind of MC and funerals/weddings contact in the future.

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone or defend the need for having the goal of not allowing disruptive, disrespectful, and hurtful behaviors from anyone, let alone a sibling, in close intimate proximity to yourself and your family. Living your boundaries, such as you have done with blocking the texts and phone calls, can be a really good way to gain good ground.

Extricating ourselves from our FOO 'rules' and ways of doing things that are not working for us and that we never agreed to can be a really important step toward emotionally detaching with love and living our own best lives.

[Breakthrough]

Thank you Bloomie. Your advice is always so helpful.  It's really hard with my FOO.  I do love my family, including my PD sister, I just need healthy boundaries.  May be I can look at this pandemic and inability to travel as a blessing in that way.  None of us live close to each other.  I am not missing out on family gatherings, probably for this next Christmas.  I have time.  I still want to send gifts to my nephews, but I can do that in the mail when the time comes, or send with my parents if they go back to her home (which they probably need to do to keep their residency status there).  I really need to just focus on my own little family and my own mental health for the next few months.  I am also going to focus on nurturing the relationships with my other sisters and am going to call them weekly.  I would like to call my brother weekly too, but that might be harder, he's depressed I think and so not very available.

[bloomie]

Thank you Bloomie. Your advice is always so helpful.  It's really hard with my FOO.  I do love my family, including my PD sister, I just need healthy boundaries.  May be I can look at this pandemic and inability to travel as a blessing in that way.  None of us live close to each other.  I am not missing out on family gatherings, probably for this next Christmas.  I have time.  I still want to send gifts to my nephews, but I can do that in the mail when the time comes, or send with my parents if they go back to her home (which they probably need to do to keep their residency status there).  I really need to just focus on my own little family and my own mental health for the next few months.  I am also going to focus on nurturing the relationships with my other sisters and am going to call them weekly.  I would like to call my brother weekly too, but that might be harder, he's depressed I think and so not very available.

I agree the pandemic has allowed for a kind of reset in relationships and an opportunity to be intentional toward those who bring health, light, love and kindness into our lives. Something good that can come out of this very difficult time of having to distance. Let us know how things are going as you move forward with these new reset goals.

[Breakthrough]

I haven't spoken to my parents in a while, I am going to call them tomorrow.  I need to brace myself for their flying monkeys hoovering tactics, and do my best to explain, look, she won't respect reasonable boundaries and it interferes with my work, I can't allow that.  Don't worry, I don't want you to get in the middle, there is no middle, I am just enforcing healthy boundaries for me.  I was going to call the today, but I don't feel I have the energy to deal with that right now.  My second oldest sister hates conflict too. I feel like she takes this personally as well, though it's hard not to feel like she's taking sides because she lives closest to eldest sister, who also calls her frequently. 

[athene1399]

I also feel that NC doesn't have to be forever; it can be temporary.

Do you feel like you have to defend your actions to your parents? Or can you tell them it's between you and your sister and you do not want to discuss it with them?

[Breakthrough]

So far, my mom hasn't mentioned it, so it's possible she doesn't realize what happened, or that she is just leaving things be.  I probably won't worry about it too much until she mentions it.  I doubt it will come up from now until when we plan the next family gathering.   My PD sister is definitely the one who likes to initiate and control all of that.  She will likely get a bit left out if we go to family camp or something like that, as her kids are older and they weren't going to come last year (which was cancelled).  Eventually it may just be us visiting one or the other sister and my brother every now and then instead.  Honestly, I have been left out quite a few Christmases before when not able to get time off, so I don't feel it will be that big of an impact, except for on my girls who love going to see their cousins.  If we go down for my nephew's graduation (which I don't think will be possible, if we are even invited, as it will be next year), I think we'll stay in a hotel and rent a car (we always end up spending more, our tickets are most expensive, we rent a car and everyone else borrows her vehicles, etc.). I suspect it will just mean less frequent visits, like may be once every 2 years instead of once a year.  I don't really know, I just know that allowing her to contact me at all was becoming extremely stressful, and not reading her emails and blocking her early before she blew up (but not much before), was a healthy boundary.  It's much better for me to have more space in my life for healthy relationships instead of allowing space for a really unhealthy relationship that I felt obligated to maintain.  I am a planner, and not knowing how long the NC will go on was stressful before.  Now, I am just going to chalk it up to the pandemic, I mean I see no reason to communicate with her until we can travel, if even then, since she uninvited us to her home anyway.