Protection

[Ladymm]

Hello all,

I found out in my life I have the habit to accommodate my narc mother's expectations just because I am living in her apartment and work in my father's company. My father is a total enabler and rage is his hidden reaction when I disobey the family obligations. And of course they are both like one person, like a big enmeshed ball of trauma. Me and my husband are trying to move to a new city and find a job there. In the past years I was super confused, also career-wise, but now we are a bit more active in trying to move. It is like a dark night of the soul. But even I can say we are active I feel like I am entangled in my psyche, so I feel there is things to solve internally before the good unfolds. So I can't exactly say when all of this will finish.

The point: I choose to do some thing just to not make the drama explode. When the drama explodes and my mother starts to be invasive and judgmental my survival mode gets off and it produces very negative feelings in me and I seem to try to avoid that. Then my mother starts to ask me what she did to me etc. what grandma did to me and even tries to insinuate that I am not right in my head.  My fantasy and plan is not to be dependent on my mother and then  to be able to close the phone in her face without having the survival mode going off. But this is an aspiration for now  and in regards to the present moment, I think maybe I am just so much in the fog that I can't see I could live better also now, have better reactions. Because as I try to accommodate her, logically I go against myself.

My fear is monday, when it will be the 8th of March. In my country we wish Happy 8 th of March to older female figures, buy them flowers (ok this I can skip due to covid ). Last year for example my father sent me a message 'wish your mother happy 8th of March´. what kind of message is that? Why? In my psyche she is a demon, not my mother. Or.. my mother calls and checks on me if wished the grandmas happy 8 March, especially her narc mother, my grandma, who I basically dont visit. Of course they don't understand or don't want to understand they are emotional abusers, but also what is triggering them is less and less important to me. I am trying now to focus just on protection of myself and trying to find a brighter future.

I almost never visit or call my narc grandma. The only difference why I call my mother and not my grandma is protection. Because I don't depend on my GM  in any way, while I depend on my mother for job and housing. Also if I will call my GM for the 8th of March just to close my mother's mouth and prevent her abusive verbal assaults.

BTW: it is tragic what is going on in the world, but for me, in terms of protection, this lockdown has been like a gift from the sky.

I don't know the protection I am using now is ok or if I could do something even better? I am basically playing by their rules now just to keep the calm. I plan to go low or no contact someday soon. But now also when I play by their rules it makes a bad bad feeling in me. But the drama and her calling me destroys me and depletes my soul. I don't even know what my fear behind this is. It is something deep and difficult to put in words. I feel confusion and repulsion.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Thank you!!

[pianissimo]

Your plan to move to a new city and manage your parents until then sounds like a good one.

It seems to me like you feel bad for doing what they want you to do because you don't want to do any of it. What you feel and what you do are out of sync.  Also, perhaps you are doing what they want you to do without complaining, by pretending everything is OK.  And, perhaps, as soon as you do that, your parents are ready to buy your image that "you fall in line", when you actually don't.  So, to me, it seems like the bad feeling you mention is the feeling of being abused. And, you endure it because, if you don't, your mother verbally abuses you. You wonder why you fear the drama or your mother's reaction. This makes me think that you are denied your anger, fear or sadness to your mother's verbal abuse. After the verbal abuse, perhaps, you are made to believe that it was just your mother talking to you, and you are told that you make a big deal of it if you try to make your point, or become angry and raise your voice, or cry. So, perhaps, you end up being silenced in either case. During all this, perhaps you should give yourself space to feel the negative feelings without being too harsh on yourself.  You are in a difficult situation and you are doing your best to get out of it. It's normal to fear your abuser, and it's natural to feel bad when you do things you don't want to do, and all this is harder when you are dealing with those who raised you.

[Ladymm]

pianissimo,

thank you for your feedback. Yes I agree the bad feeling is the feeling of being abused. But I say to myself they can't hurt me anymore, why I take all this at heart. Because they told me I take too much at heart. Like accept us how we are, they say, no one loves you more than us. But they still can hurt me and I am all upset about the 8 th of March thing, it is like a threat hanging over my head. But as it seems the verbal abuse that I might endure is a consequence bad enough to make me feel walking on eggshells - and this is a feeling that comes right from the flight or fight compartment, in the sense should I fight (for my truth) or flight (just do what I am supposed to). And,even if a random person screams at you outside or at the job, you feel bad. I feel like I provoke this in her and that she screams out of love and desperation because she did all well and I abandoned her. 

[pianissimo]

You are too hard on yourself. Nobody can gain immunity to getting hurt by other people. People can hurt other people, so most of them do their best to not do that.  You are in an incredibly difficult and tricky situation, but, you seem to be managing it so well. Perhaps you could share more of your interactions with your mother, and what happens on the 8th of March with your grandmother here. The thought of sharing whatever drama unfolds with people who understand might help you go through with it. Taking note of the interactions with your parents might also help you see things in a different light later on. Also, this way, you can check which aspects of their behaviour match abuse. Then, each time you see your parents, you would be better equipped to deal with them. I think that you are already fighting your parents. It seems like you are at a stage where you are fighting them in your mind. Knowledge is your ally at this stage. Being informed about specific types of emotional abuse helps to recognize them when they are used against you. There are resources available both on this website's toolbox, and on YouTube. If you think it's narcissistic abuse, you could check information that focuses on mother-daughter relationship. That way, you can understand what has happened to you better. In your situation, it seems like you know what is going on is not alright but you are not quite sure what exactly is wrong. Perhaps this prevents you from taking a more overt action against it. This is in the nature of emotional abuse, it leaves the victim in a confused state, and it feels bad. Perhaps this is why neither fight nor flight feels right for you. So, an additional step to protect yourself from your mother I can think of is to learn more about emotional abuse and narcissism so that you will know in which way you are abused. Then, you can be guarded against it better. It will also help you feel better because you will see it for yourself that it has nothing to do with you or what you do.

[Ladymm]

pianissimo,

thank you again for your answer.

Yes it is a tricky situation indeed. I was thinking to put my mother boundaries, like its none of her business (but diplomatically said) if I call grandma or not. But I fear this will evoke even more drama. These holidays, they are nice when they are nice but for some is hell cos you have to put on the theatre from hell..