New Idea for me anyway

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AlisonWonder

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New Idea for me anyway
« on: March 05, 2021, 05:21:15 PM »
Yesterday I saw something for the first time.  If our PD relatives know how we think and what we will and won't do, they have us over a barrel.  For example someone said, if they know we want closure, they can withhold even that from us to control us.  So in dealing with them, it's crucial that we are not "typecast" or controlled by knee-jerk reactions.  Our behaviour and answers have to come from somewhere else, for example our Higher Power, so that the PD person cannot work out where we are headed with it.  We may not even know ourselves, just having a quiet confidence is enough.

You can stop reading there if you like, and no harm done.  But I would like to go on.....

Example: I used to email my adult parental-alienated children on a regular basis.  This gave them the idea that I was keen to get them back. Result: no response.  Recently the behaviour of one got so very bad that I have had to consider going NC with them.  So my response to the last email they were obliged to send me was not unfriendly but ambivalent in tone. So now, they can no longer be sure of sure what I want.  I can feel the pause from here.

I was always quite vague and "scattered" because I was raised around so many disturbed people, but the difference there was that I was automatically controlled by "the family feeling" instead of being led by my Higher Power.  Now I feel I am "using my powers for good".  Already I have more peace, regardless of how it works out with my children.  I see now what Eckhart Tolle meant when he said that if someone is heavily involved in their "story", you have to be silent around them because anything you say or do will just become part of their story, but silence and presence will start to dissolve it.

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Bloomie

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Re: New Idea for me anyway
« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2021, 09:05:21 PM »
Wow, AlisonWonder what great insights. I am so glad you shared this. Will return to it!

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marymackblack

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Re: New Idea for me anyway
« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2021, 02:36:57 AM »
Thank you for sharing this clarity! I have to embrace the 'quiet confidence' , but it's just so easy to get sucked in and derailed. Wonderful reminder about my higher power in all this.

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nanotech

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Re: New Idea for me anyway
« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2021, 08:00:58 AM »
This is brilliant and yes I have experience of my FOO  looking for that reactivity in me and instead being baffled by my calm neutrality  and silence.
From being the blood -giving fixer of everything  followed by inevitable mocking/ scapegoating, Iíve gone to self- presence and self care.
Iíve done it by telling them I was withdrawing with love from any relationship that wasnít healthy for me. Mocking followed, so I quickly but calmly went completely NC with two of my siblings. One tried for a while then gave up. The other one is still waiting for me to make the first move, which always did,  following her discard of me.
The others in? VVLC as she is the enabler.
Wonderful words. Thank you 🙏 xxxxx

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AlisonWonder

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Re: New Idea for me anyway
« Reply #4 on: March 06, 2021, 04:38:51 PM »
Aw, you guys.........   :blush: :)

Thank you for the kind words!

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Hilltop

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Re: New Idea for me anyway
« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2021, 09:25:52 PM »
Yep quiet confidence, I agree.  I use to react way too easily, I would get upset, try to talk/fix things and then be mocked or just mocked for no reason other than the way I spoke.  Withdrawing from unhealthy relationships feels so much better than being stuck there.  What they think about that is their business.

I plan on continuing to go about my business, quietly and happy and not getting drawn into the rest.  The rest is their business not mine.

Thanks for the words, they are great.