Rude all the time, brief vent

Fae Greenwood · March 06, 2021, 09:54:40 PM

Little things make relations between humans just a little easier, like saying "please" or "thank you" or waiting in line like everyone else or going with the flow of traffic or waving hello to a neighbor and so many other things that he just won't do. He can do it, but he won't. He's said he can't be bothered to do it. Today he got a phone call from a salesman for a quote uNPDh had requested. "Hello, Mr. Greenwood, I'm calling about that quote I sent to you." "I threw it in the trash."

Really?

Yes it was way too high compared to others but really? I could tell the salesman was nonplussed, my husband was silent on the phone, then the salesman asked him about it. My husband acted like it was a personal insult for the quote to be so high. I know this isn't that big a deal. He does that often but that phone call really got to me. It was mean.

11JB68 · March 06, 2021, 10:05:18 PM

I feel like it's a sense of entitlement, that they feel they are too important or certain mundane things are beneath them.

notrightinthehead · March 07, 2021, 01:50:31 AM

Did you feel embarrassed for him? I hope not. I used to feel ashamed for my h for years. When I was present I tried to soften the blow or to smile (grin) reassuringly at the other person. It felt like torture. I also apologized for him, which made him furious at me but then I got the brunt of his anger and not the other person. At that time this seemed preferable to me. It took years to train myself not to feel responsible for anything he did. You seem to have managed to do that. Congratulations!

Fae Greenwood · March 09, 2021, 10:34:18 PM

No, notright, I was NOT embarrassed for him. I was not embarrassed at all. I used to think I was embarrassed by his behavior but looking back it was actually shock at a sudden tantrum, sympathy for the other person, and anger that he'd made it look like I was his active assistant in his behavior. And he's never had a favorable outcome from his stupid tricks. One time we had a problem at a hotel and he was astonished that I got the issues resolved so quickly in our favor. After that, he began to ask me to intervene if there was an issue. Of course, he began ramping up what he wanted me to get for him and my refusal led to a huge rage attack but still...

Just this evening, he asked my to send an email about renting a place for the summer. After questioning, he confessed that he'd already tried to rent it but had asked for a sharp discount and had pushed when the owner said no and now his emails aren't being answered. He's already promised a family member that we will rent this place to spend time near him! So I sent an email from my own account and will handle the rental if it's still available because I want to rent this place, I'm doing this for me. These last few months he's eased up on these attacks at me. I answer every comment or question with some version of meh. Now I'm wondering if he's ramped up his attacks on strangers. That's bad but I'm not taking emotional bullets for strangers, not anymore.

blunk · March 10, 2021, 07:53:08 AM

Quote from: Fae Greenwood on March 09, 2021, 10:34:18 PM
No, notright, I was NOT embarrassed for him. I was not embarrassed at all. I used to think I was embarrassed by his behavior but looking back it was actually shock at a sudden tantrum, sympathy for the other person, and anger that he'd made it look like I was his active assistant in his behavior.

I never thought of it this way, but you are completely right. It was definitely shock, because even after all of those years I could not believe he could be so mean to people who were simply doing their job, or even just exchanging pleasantries. I did feel sympathy for whoever was on the other end of the attack, and often apologized, which led to him turning his anger on me. And anger for sure as in many cases I'm sure there was some guilt by association on the part of the other person.

So many times I knew in my heart that I should have called him out on his nonsense, but at the same time my brain said...reacting will just make it worse. Either he would rage at me as soon as we were in the car, or he would be even nastier to the next clerk, server, stranger, etc. just so that he could get a reaction out of me. Another reason to tell me that I wasn't on his side, I really hated him, I just wanted to divorce him and leave him with nothing. Most times I would wait until we were home and then comment something like, that was pretty rude. He would act like he had no idea what I was talking about, or he would concoct some reason as to why they deserved it. Because, yes of course, the person holding the door for you who said Merry Christmas really needed to be told to go f#$% themselves.

SparkStillLit · March 10, 2021, 09:03:01 AM

Fae and Blunk, updh is becoming this way as well. I am not with him at stores nor near him on the phone, so I do not know how unpleasant he actually is. In his mind, the interactions definitely don't go his way, and I hear a big rant about them. I find this perturbing and it does seem to be increasing. I do not participate in this junk, though, and I MC away the rants and disengage. I no longer allow myself to be ranted at about anything.
Political rants, societal rants, rants about the YA or the other kid, NOTHING.

tragedy or hope · March 10, 2021, 09:06:09 AM

I have found with my unpdh, he is selective in his behaviors as he likes women. All women, and will go to extremes to charm them even if he thinks they are not doing him right. His voice changes, his demeanor, and often he will apologize (this is part of the manipulation) (oh isn't he sweet..) to get what he wants.

His ability to do simple tasks with others is very hampered. He is easily frustrated and it looks very terse, unkind, rigid and almost disrespectful. He never answers even simple questions from strangers we are doing business with. In fact, recently, I was doimg all the serious conversation on a purchase we were making... he was trying to charm the seller by changing the subject to something irrelevant while we were trying to do business. All I could figure is this is a "let me in" tactic because he cannot fit into a civil, kind, equal position conversation with a stranger.

I have concluded, people can see something is wrong with him. Sometimes I will say, "can we put a hold on that until we finish our business here?" in front of the other person... to not look bad he gets quiet.

I have also realized most of his responses are to cover his insecurity so he does the same.... aka throwing the paper in the trash. PD"s are outrageously aware of only themselves.. Often mine thinks he is a wheeler dealer.

Yeah, when we owned a business he wheeled and dealed us into 25,000 in debt because he lost his ability to control what was going on. This was before I was aware of PD.I was furious, but he still had people thinking he was running a business.

Arrogant... he was in his office playing card games on the computer, calling people he knew from his shop, even salespeople, companies, gabbing not doing real business very often. Customers came in and the ones he did not like he threw out of his shop. If he could stand behind his counter, (pulpit) and engage anyone... they were there for an hour. It was always about what he could get out of them to use somewhere else in conversation.

They cannot be helped. I have learned to let his words just hang in the air when he is like this. Say nothing. Other people are pretty savvy. I feel for you. I live with the same.

Fae Greenwood · March 11, 2021, 09:35:14 PM

Blunk, it does no good to call them out. Either it never happened, or it wasn't like that at all, or that was sooooo in the past and the past won't get discussed even though it happened yesterday. I used to try to determine if he couldn't or wouldn't see it and finally I realized it didn't matter because he won't change until he loses everything. Sometimes I get just plain pissed off. I carried the marriage far more than I should have. That's on me but the only way to avoid it was to throw my kids in his emotional wood chipper. And that's why I say "meh."

blunk · March 12, 2021, 07:51:16 AM

"Emotional woodchipper" I like that, it is accurate. I feel like all of the emotion I put forth was ground up and spit across the yard.

I agree with you about meh. When I first encountered my xh's bpd behaviors I was scared, he like so many others, had put on such a charming front at the beginning. After a while his outbursts made me sad, he had convinced me that it was somehow my fault and I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong or how to change it. Next was frustration and anger, I finally knew that I was not at fault, but no matter how hard I tried I could not get that through to him. It was around that stage that I found Out of the FOG. I realized that it was all on him, there was no getting through, nothing I felt mattered to him nor could it make him change...or even make him want to change.

And that's when I got to meh. You want to yell...meh. You want to carry on like a crazy person because I stopped for gas on the way home...meh. You want to convince me that you've changed because I filed for divorce...meh. It's a good place to be, it means that they are no longer affecting you. Hopefully your kids can get there as well.

losingmyself · March 12, 2021, 09:55:55 AM

Meh... yup, I've been using that a lot lately.
"you sure took a long time at the store."
meh
"you just did that because you want to..."
meh
What a great word..
Also, I have moved myself from being embarrassed at things he says and does, (mostly) to letting him own it. Because I know people are looking at him the same way I am, and I'm not responsible for the poop that comes out of his mouth.
He is so very very sweet to the girls, though, and tried
s his best to make himself look like my whipping boy in front of people. I just don't care anymore.