Why do PD parents like gift-giving (and sending wishes to everyone)?

[MarlenaEve]

Why do they like gift-giving and sending best wishes to everyone on their special day? Does this make sense? Since they hate people and cannot stand themselves. MY parents call 50-or so people on special occasions (Christmas, Easter, bdays) and make such a big deal about this. If they forget someone on their list, they panic..wtf??

Also, I was again gifted stuff but mostly money (very little money anyway) but my PDs have no relationship with me (apart from using me as a supply-these days almost never because of boundaries).

Normal people don't go around giving stuff to others they don't really love and respect. Right?
I'd like to hear your thoughts and your experience with being gifted gifts, money and other stuff by your PD parent/s.

Thanks

[SunnyMeadow]

Wow, that's an amazing amount of well wishes to send! To me, your parents doing this says they're wanting to show how great and caring they are. So they put the effort in with acquaintances and distant friends but not bother with the real meaningful relationships. Typical. My uNPD mother couldn't be bothered but expects cards and calls so this is pretty unusual to hear the effort your parents put into special occasions.

My parents give away stuff they don't want all the time. They buy a small kitchen appliance, use it twice then don't really like it....give it away or put it on the curb. So they're fine with giving stuff but not money. I don't think they have ever donated money, seriously. (she says people should donate to her!) Another money thing, my mother will pick up a restaurant tab and always has. I think it's her trying to show how much she has when she actually has very little.

My mother gives me birthday cards and gifts but I found out when she buys me something, she buys herself the same thing.  That's not normal right?

[MarlenaEve]

Wow, that's an amazing amount of well wishes to send! To me, your parents doing this says they're wanting to show how great and caring they are. So they put the effort in with acquaintances and distant friends but not bother with the real meaningful relationships. Typical. My uNPD mother couldn't be bothered but expects cards and calls so this is pretty unusual to hear the effort your parents put into special occasions.

My parents give away stuff they don't want all the time. They buy a small kitchen appliance, use it twice then don't really like it....give it away or put it on the curb. So they're fine with giving stuff but not money. I don't think they have ever donated money, seriously. (she says people should donate to her!) Another money thing, my mother will pick up a restaurant tab and always has. I think it's her trying to show how much she has when she actually has very little.

My mother gives me birthday cards and gifts but I found out when she buys me something, she buys herself the same thing.  That's not normal right?

No, that is definitely not normal. She should be buying you a gift suited for you and your personality and not for her.

And thanks for telling me that about my parents. They do try really hard to show how caring they are although they do not care at all about the people they call and never really had close friends (perhaps that means that they need to make an effort and do something for friends-and they just don't have the empathy for that). It's so uncomfortable to observe this unhealthy behavior. Just be who you are, I'd respect them more if they showed their true, unhealthy self (aka overt narcissism) than hiding what they truly feel about others. BTW, they send wishes to their relatives BUT...behind their back they talk trash. Well, that's a PD right?

I think your mother is a bit on the overt side of narcissism if she doesn't try hard to keep up a perfectly-polished social persona.

[Cat of the Canals]

The PDs in my life all play games with gift-giving, but they seem to have different methods and reasons.

When I was a child, my unBPD mother often gave gifts that reflected her interests instead of mine. In particular, clothing that wasn't my style at all but was how she wanted me to dress. As an adult, she uses gifts as a means to keep people close/indebted to her. I try to avoid accepting things from her whenever possible, because I see the strings attached. My brother and his wife, however, allowed my parents to cosign on their house. Which also happens to be fifteen minutes from my parents' house. You can imagine how difficult it is for my brother to set boundaries or have meaningful consequences in place when my mother has that much power over him.

My unBPD aunt has laid out in great detail how she keeps track of all gifts given and received to make sure that she has always given a little more than the other person and thus can be safe in her knowledge that she did more. (Which she then grows to resent and uses as a tool for smear campaigns.)

My mother is vicious about restaurant tabs. I have never once seen her allow someone else to pay, and she has sometimes pretended to go to the bathroom but actually she's hunting down the waiter or waitress to tell them to bring the bill directly to her. I think this relates to my aunt's thing above. Allowing someone else to pay would mean they'd done "more," and then she'd have to feel guilty. Paying the tab puts her above them. 

When we still lived near to her, my unBPD mil used to buy random junk and then use it as an excuse to show up without invitation. You see, she had a GIFT for us. She did something NICE for us. In her mind that meant we couldn't tell her to leave or express annoyance at the interruption. She also liked to keep tabs on the gifts. Months and sometimes years later, she'll ask things like, "Have you been using the vacuum sealer I gave you?" I think this is her way of trying to demand more credit for the *wonderful* gifts she's given. 

On my husband's birthday, she would insist on coming to our home. (Nevermind what he wanted to do on "his day.") My husband doesn't like eating in restaurants (social phobia... wonder where he got that?), so we always get take out. On one of his birthdays, this was a verbatim conversation between them:

Her: We should go inside to eat!
Him: You know I don't like doing that.
Her: Yes but I thought that since it was your birthday...

A few minutes later when she was out of earshot, he muttered, "I'm so sorry I ruined MY birthday for you."

She couldn't make it more clear that it's always about her.

[blues_cruise]

I think it's largely about self image and being seen to do the right thing, which with narcissistic personality disorder fits in with the desire for admiration. It does give a bit of a dopamine hit to send a gift and to feel like you're a great person for having done so, even if you're just following a script and don't have to put that much effort in. I would say for someone with high levels of narcissism it's probably most likely about them wanting to feel good about themselves rather than genuinely wanting the recipient to feel good.

There's a power trip and control element too as the quality of gift (or lack of one) can impact on the recipient's emotions. This would explain a lot actually, why on some birthdays my father was massively generous whereas on others he would use a lack of gift or card as a means of revenge for some imagined slight from months beforehand. It was all about his own ego rather than any genuine care over making it a pleasant day for me. This also explains why he continues to send cards and gifts years into no contact but doesn't bother making any effort at any other time of the year.

[SparkStillLit]

Pdm gives the gifts SHE thinks you should have, and she will not deviate, never mind anyone's list.
She also does a thing, which I JUST NOW picked up, I always thought it was nice but it's a way to control seeing us, she picks up some groceries for us. Costco items, Fìve Dollar Friday. I have to get them from her or she will drop them by. I have circumvented this several times by getting them when she isn't home, but still. I haven't let her drop them by in ages. Everyone thinks it's nice, they'll think I'm a nutcase if I say it's not. Now only you guys will understand what it really is.
Once when I was really on the bad list she gave me a lightbulb for my birthday. An LED one in my favorite color, but a lightbulb nonetheless. I don't think I've ever received a more odd gift.

[feelingandhealing]

I relate to a mother who always associated money and gifts with love. For whatever reason(s), my uNPDM would always shower my brother and I with gifts/money at Christmas and on birthdays and shit on us throughout the rest of the year.

Why did she provide us with money and gifts especially long after we got our own jobs and became self-sufficient? First and foremost, I believe it was entirely self-serving for her and gave her some odd sense of purpose. And it always made uNPDM look good in front of the extended family. I also think it was her way of expressing "love" to us.

My Mom's sister was also uNPD. I recall a conversation that Aunt had with my girlfriend (now my DW) many years ago at Christmas time. My wife and her family never lavished money and gifts upon each other at Christmas. Anyway, many years ago my Aunt asked my then girlfriend if she had bought and sent many gifts to her family for Christmas. My then girlfriend responded something like, "no we don't do that". And my Aunt responded something like, "then how do they know you love them"? To which I say and ask, "Doesn't that just say it all"!   

I learned from DW that love is demonstrated and reinforced on a regular basis via actions, not gifts and I am grateful for that.

So all this to say that I think it is quite common for PDs to do the gift-giving thing because it is very self-serving for them. 

[capybara]

My uPD mom LOVES giving gifts but also constantly complains that she's terrible at it and she hates it. She doesn't like gift-giving for Christmas or birthdays - I think she feels like my dad "won" at that several times after the divorce. She always complains that she doesn't know what to give, and endlessly demands gift ideas for my kids, for instance. But she constantly brings things over - usually sweets, which I have asked her again and again not to give. And all kinds of other things that reflect her interests or that she wants to get rid of from her house.

I have a panicky feeling of overwhelm when I see this stuff and in fact there's a bag from Christmas that I still haven't been able to unpack. There's no stopping her, though.

I think most of it is that she has to be "good" and "giving" but she can't actually enter into other people's interests or respect their boundaries. With the sweets it's a double-edged sword. She is plumper than she would like to be, and she thinks fat-shaming is a good thing. So it's not just that "food is love" in her words, I think there's a hidden desire to make people put on weight so she will be the skinny one and she can look down on them.

[AlisonWonder]

Capybara, yeah.  My uPD grandfather used to bring something nasty every time he visited and one of my siblings hated him for it.  I think the real issue is, deep down we know they will explode in some way if we confront them or refuse to accept it, and that's what we really hate.

She probably likes to buy sweets all the time because she is trying to lose weight and so she "sees them everywhere".  Then she gets rid of them onto you.  But how do you feel when you think of getting rid of this stuff?  I would feel afraid if it was me, from what you've said. 

[DesertRose]

Just a question - how are they at receiving gifts?

I ask because my main experience of this gift giving thing is with my uPD-SIL. She is extremely cruel and manipulative in general all the while pretending it's all an accident and putting on a show of pretending to be Snow White, including a very fake "soft and sweet voice" and laugh.  Interestingly, she has given a number of very nice and thoughtful gifts, including unexpected surprises that would seem kind if received from someone else but suspicious coming from her.

And when it comes to receiving gifts in return she is totally weird. She has more than once given it back and said it doesn't suit her. And when I've said "the gift receipt is included" she said "why don't you just take it back for me". She has sulked and pouted when we "didn't get it right".  She has received something and opened it privately (sometimes this has been for appropriate reasons) and never said a word of thanks in any way shape or form. Usually at least a thank you text is nice or some kind of follow up after having the gift. Sometimes she has done this but it's completely hit or miss. DH and I continue to give gifts bc this seems to be one of the most functional parts of our relationship with her, but we have zero expectations for her having a normal or respectful response to gifts from us, even thought it's clear that she wants to know from us how great her gift has been. 

[Cat of the Canals]

Good question, DesertRose.

My unPD mil has given gifts back to us multiple times. But if my husband gets it right, she's absolutely over the moon and tells everyone about the wonderful gift and thanks him again and again.

My unPD mom has more recently begun responding to my gifts as if it's an inconvenience of some kind? It's hard to describe. My husband and I moved to a new region a few years ago, and that first Christmas I sent a box of various interesting local/gourmet food items. (Both of my parents are total "foodies" so it wasn't like I sent stuff they wouldn't eat, etc.) My mom said, "All the stuff you sent. Wow." But in this weird deadpan voice that sounded like she was going through the motions. She's usually pretty good at faking enthusiasm. In fact, my brother and I have an ongoing joke about her fondness for hyperbole. Usually everything is THE BEST. And THE MOST AMAZING. So this was weird. And she kind of did it again this year with the [non-food] gifts I sent. If I had to guess, I'd say it's subtle punishment for moving away.

She did flip out on my brother once in elementary school. He bought her a necklace at the school "Secret Santa's Workshop" thing. He bought a religious necklace... but for the wrong religion. She didn't say anything at the time, but at some point, months later, he asked why she never wore it. She basically went off about how WRONG it would be for her to wear it. How offensive and inappropriate. He got upset, which was understandable because he was way too young to understand. That made her even more furious, and she made some fauxpology about how she was sorry but she would NEVER wear that necklace, end of story. She did absolutely nothing to reassure him. And her reaction was so bad that I didn't wear my necklace (he'd given one to me, too) ever again. How sad is that?