Rejection

[Kat54]

I tried a dating site for the first time. I have been divorced since July of 2020, separated 2 1/2 years prior.  Truthfully I deleted the app and deleted  the emails coming in except one that I answered. I've felt like I'm not ready to start dating out of fear of many things. One, falling for someone who is bad for me and not seeing it until its too late. Most nice guys who are fairly normal don't want to be with me, because maybe I'm not...my poor self image.  This one person seemed nice, we had a good time and then we went out again and met for lunch, again he was nice we had a good time talked about many things we had in common. I felt unsure but mostly fear of rejection maybe he thinks I'm a head case. But after the second date I figured I'll text him about getting together...he gets back to me a day later and said he wants keep seeing other people and it was nice to meet...but see ya. 

I don't feel terrible, but it makes me fear putting myself out there and facing rejection if I get more involved with someone. Maybe its better to be alone, but then I'm wallowing in this stupid self pity.  My ex rejected me way far worse so don't know if i can face that kind of feeling again.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Kat54,

I hear you. One thing that happens when we've been abused from childhood and then later with partners is that we end up with a mass of scars and an underlying feeling of not feeling lovable and worthy. Then even small rejections can trigger that feeling that makes you feel 'not enough'.

Rejection hurts almost everyone, but it's way worse when you have unhealed wounds.

So the good thing is, working on those wounds and reminding yourself that you are lovable and building yourself up can help with rejection.

Also, people can not match for all sorts of reasons, that have zero to do with your inherent worth as a person.

Good on you for putting yourself out there though ☺️ hope you can get in some nice self care to take care of yourself ☺️

[pianissimo]

I can relate. I feel shame when I feel rejected. They say the antidote to shame is humility, so, I tell myself I'm just a human being, sometimes I need company, and there is not much I can do if some people I like don't like me back.

[Boat Babe]

Rejection cuts me like a knife. I think that people with childhood attachment issues struggle so hard with this. It's so basic, so hardwired to want to be part of the family, group, tribe, community and we crave it because we never had it, or not enough of it.

I think this will be with me, one way or another my whole life but it gets easier and no longer haunts my heart or dictates my behaviour.

It sucks that we have to struggle with this though and I'm so glad we can support each other here with acceptance and great kindness. ❤️

[1footouttadefog]

I would not take a dating site rejection as a rejection of your entire being.

If we are honest about the nature of dating apps and websites, a great many perhaps most are hunting sex partners.  Some perhaps a large percentage are looking to test waters until they find a match. 

That you had enjoyable company with someone means you were not rejected as a person. He likely either did not find you a complete match or is not seeking commitment to any degree.

Perhaps getting involved with some hobby, civic, political, or volunteer groups would be a better way to meet folks. 

I looked at a couple dating sites using a friends login.  Mercy, she either answered all the questions poorly or there is slim pickings, Lol. 

We got on an friends meet and chat type app one night so we could talk on phone while looking around and I was shocked how many guys had such aweful pictures of themselves in dirty shirts and unsaven and with uncombed hair. It looked like alot were laying back in bed when they snapped them.  I guess that could help with selfie wrinkles, Lol.  There profession of allegience to sports, fishing, micro breweries,and otherwise being a homebody,  and never parting with their dog and motorcycle was a common theme.

I thought , well,  that leaves little time for a woman unless they are unemployed, lol, because shaving and doing laundry are seemingly a challenge.  And yet there were a few folks with livestream chat rooms set up doing live music, and kareoke etc that had audiences so there were jewels among the rocks and pebbles.

[GettingOOTF]

When people ask me about online dating I tell them to be prepared for the rejection. Online dating is basically one rejection after another. It casts such a wide net that even those interested in you can feel like a rejection. For example when someone you would never in a million years date is interested but people you would aren't.

You really cannot take anything to do with dating personally. I think of each date as an opportunity to go out and have a good time. Nothing more,  nothing less.

You don't know what other people have going on in their lives. You cannot take anything personally as it's not personal.

My therapist once described dating as figuring out what you don't want.

After much time and many dates I finally figured out what I was looking for, what my non negotiable are. This changes so I tweak this imaginary list. I say "no" to anyone who doesn't have all that I'm looking for.

I think the mistake is that most people date to find "the one". It's highly unlikely that you will find them, let alone when you start out. It's much easier to approach it as a fun way to meet new people and try new places. That way there is no pressure and you are less likely to overlook red flags.

Dating is like interviewing. You get better at it the more you do it. I'm great at conversion now, I am able to be relaxed in company and I'm an all round awesome date because I'm not putting my expectations on to a stranger.  I take everything at face value. Someone is late/rude/awkward at conversions/inappropriately touchy? There is no second date.  In my journey Out of the FOG I have learned not to assign motives and to judge by actions. This comes in really handy when dating.

Dating so hard. The nature of it means there will be a lot of rejection. Where people like us derail is that we tend to be too quick to couple up with someone. We make excuses and overlook flags. Unfortunately the only way to build your dating skills is to go out and date.

I had a couple of not great dates in the beginning and I can really see how the quality (for lack of a better term) of men I date now is much higher than when I started.

Honestly that guy you dated seemed like a decent person. Many won't bother even letting you know. Like I said you never know what others are looking for or what they have going on. It's almost never personal.

[GettingOOTF]

I also wanted to address what you said about most nice, normal guys not wanting to date you because you are not ...

I don’t know you and I can only talk about my own experiences. I didn’t end up in my marriage by accident. I see now that I had non existent boundaries. I was desperate to be loved and accepted. I was needy and had rigid views around a lot of things. I was very codependent. I had absolutely no confidence or self esteem. I fit myself into who ever I thought the other person wanted. I didn’t give a thought to what I wanted until I became single in my 40s. Naturally I attracted men who were looking for women like that.

When I started dating I had a general idea of my issues and was working on them but I was a still needy and looking to others to validate me. I dated much better men than my ex, but these men and relationships were still problematic.

Healthy people aren’t looking for “projects”, they don’t want to fix others. When I started dating I was still looking to be fixed, though less so than on the past. When i started dating I was too available, I had no interests and fuzzy boundaries, so I attracted men who were looking for a partner with those qualities.

Now I have boundaries, a very clear vision of what I want. I am aware of my issues with attachment, codependency and a bunch of other things. I give off a totally different vibe so I attract a totally different kind of man. My relationships are easier now. There is no drama. That is all down to me knowing who I am and what I’m worth.

Men like my ex and even those I dated when I was first divorced would never be attracted to me now as I don’t offer what they are looking for.

Getting here took a lot of really painful introspection. I asked myself what was wrong with me and I was honest about the answers. Honestly looking back I can see why the men I wanted didn’t want me. One day it hit me that I wouldn’t want to date me so why would anyone else. It was a jarring insight.

I spent time working on myself. Of course we are all flawed but I come at things like relationships from a much more solid place. I have actual things to bring to the table that everyone talks about, and I have my very own table that I need others to bring things to too. I’m also very comfortable sitting alone at that table until someone worthy of a seat appears.

I don’t think anyone walks away from an abusing marriage without wounds. The trick is to let them heal. There’s a meme that says “heal yourself so you don’t bleed all over someone who didn’t hurt you”. That pretty much sums up my daring experience. I have healed myself, and a large part of that was understanding that I do have value.

[blacksheep7]

I also wanted to address what you said about most nice, normal guys not wanting to date you because you are not ...

I don't know you and I can only talk about my own experiences. I didn't end up in my marriage by accident. I see now that I had non existent boundaries. I was desperate to be loved and accepted. I was needy and had rigid views around a lot of things. I was very codependent. I had absolutely no confidence or self esteem. I fit myself into who ever I thought the other person wanted. I didn't give a thought to what I wanted until I became single in my 40s. Naturally I attracted men who were looking for women like that.

When I started dating I had a general idea of my issues and was working on them but I was a still needy and looking to others to validate me. I dated much better men than my ex, but these men and relationships were still problematic.

Healthy people aren't looking for "projects", they don't want to fix others. When I started dating I was still looking to be fixed, though less so than on the past. When i started dating I was too available, I had no interests and fuzzy boundaries, so I attracted men who were looking for a partner with those qualities.

Now I have boundaries, a very clear vision of what I want. I am aware of my issues with attachment, codependency and a bunch of other things. I give off a totally different vibe so I attract a totally different kind of man. My relationships are easier now. There is no drama. That is all down to me knowing who I am and what I'm worth.

Men like my ex and even those I dated when I was first divorced would never be attracted to me now as I don't offer what they are looking for.

Getting here took a lot of really painful introspection. I asked myself what was wrong with me and I was honest about the answers. Honestly looking back I can see why the men I wanted didn't want me. One day it hit me that I wouldn't want to date me so why would anyone else. It was a jarring insight.

I spent time working on myself. Of course we are all flawed but I come at things like relationships from a much more solid place. I have actual things to bring to the table that everyone talks about, and I have my very own table that I need others to bring things to too. I'm also very comfortable sitting alone at that table until someone worthy of a seat appears.

I don't think anyone walks away from an abusing marriage without wounds. The trick is to let them heal. There's a meme that says "heal yourself so you don't bleed all over someone who didn't hurt you". That pretty much sums up my daring experience. I have healed myself, and a large part of that was understanding that I do have value.

Well said GettingOOTF.

I am not single but had a few partners in my life because I was like you, no bouandaries, a people pleaser.  I would speak up and complain from time to time  but I  didn't love myself enough.  I was a codependent.  I left most of them but only after a lot of drama and would even go back .

I think of my past relationships with men, I see a very wounded lonely girl that was never properly loved and was looking for it in the wrong men.  Like me, they were also wounded with low self-esteem.  We were relying on eachother to fill in that void.

It is all about being confident in who we are as a person, able to see our own value and worth and follow our gut which gives us answers.   When you date, you have to be sure that it is not just to fill your emptiness.

Rejection is part of looking for that special someone and it doesn't always click and hey it's ok.

Kat54, Maybe you are still not ready to date if you are still sensitive in some areas.

[Associate of Daniel]

I've never been rejected, other than by my uNPD exH.

I've never been rejected because no one has ever shown any interest in me, apart from uNPD exH.  Ever. (Except a teenager when I was 20.)  I'm now 51.

And if I'm honest, I've never come across anyone I'm interested in.

Rejection from individual people, or no one showing a spark of interest?  I'm not sure which form of rejection is worse.  Lol

I can't bring myself to do the online dating thing.  I think you're very courageous to try it.

And there are literally no men of my age in my sphere.

Anyway, I try to take it as God's protection of me (and the other party).

I am thankful for that. But it's hard and frustrating a lot of the time.

AOD

[Kat54]

Thanks all for the thoughts to think about. I'm not taking this online dating stuff too seriously and He was kind and thoughtful enough to explain where he stood so he was totally cool.
I do have to establish my boundaries for my happiness as when I was married there were zero. Anything he wanted he always came first and not thinking about what would make me happy. Though the times I did establish any kind of boundary or asked to have something a certain way, I was usually complained at barked at or made to feel like crap so it wasn't worth it.
I have to think about what makes me happy and stick by that and not take any guy who comes along and mold myself into what they like. Easy to say but a goal I must keep.