No Contact/Estrangement with uBPD sister... how to reconnect?

[at_a_loss]

Hello! I apologize in advance for the length of this post...this has been held in for quite some time so it's all coming out here.

I have been lurking on this forum and reading since Fall 2020 after the death of my father and the estrangement/no contact with my uBPD sister. The request for space from me began a few weeks after my he died. I believe now looking back it was a long time coming, but due to his death, I found myself with very little capacity and a great need for peace and time to process what had just happened and what I had just lost.

I sit here today in a much better emotional state, having had time to process a lot of my emotions. Life has become better in my small circle and my immediate family since the argument with my sister, but I'm confused as to how to move ahead in regards to our relationship, or lack thereof. I have been reading, watching videos, and researching non-stop, every single day about my situation-- learning more about myself, about her possible condition, and overall the dynamic of our family (my parents and our upbringing) to better educate myself to truly live my most healthy, authentic, and best life. I honestly have to say, although I feel a sense of guilt, I am at peace having asked for space since the end of last year. The last 6 months have brought me much clarity and understanding. It's allowed me to grieve in my own way over losing my father and ultimately the loss of the relationship I thought I had with my sister. The space allowed me to cut out the noise and stress that I found was building, but I still long for some sort of future relationship with her and therein lies my need to air these thoughts here.

I will give some background for better understanding. (all quotes are paraphrased and not verbatim)
My father had been sick for many years prior to 2020, we knew he was on the decline so my DH, DS and I moved closer to my mom and dad in recent years, which took me further away, distance-wise, from my sister and her husband. My sister and I have always had a decent relationship, from what I thought. Now looking back I realized I enabled a lot of her traits and personality. If I could sum it up, I believe she has uBPD with NPD traits where I was enmeshed in my relationship to my parents and fell into the fawning and freezing traits. I had no boundaries and I have always been the people pleaser. I knew she struggled with anxiety and depression and she would attend therapy regularly, but it wasn't until this recent fight did I come to realize that this was possibly uBPD. Overall I felt we were close in our own dysfunctional way.

Fast forward to Fall 2020-- my father's health quickly declined and while my small family finally decided on our first weekend road trip of the year to getaway in a neighboring state, my dad passed away. During this time my sister had the urge to come visit that weekend so she happened to be present with my mom when he passed. He passed just hours after she arrived. Upon being informed of his passing via phone from my sister, our family raced home and the next few weeks became a blur. Leading up to his death, I had been actively visiting my parents weekly (from a distance due to COVID), setting up appointments, talking to doctors, coordinating with hospice, checking in on upcoming procedures, etc-- and my sister and I were mostly a united front. The next few weeks consisted of memorial arrangements, gathering for family time, and attending the cremation. Everyone was in town, it was a lot of family time and my capacity was withering away, but I did the best I could to remove myself for independent time when required.

Within 2 weeks I was back at work and so was everyone else. Everyone went home and we did our best to support one another via text or phone and stay afloat emotionally while we entered life again. There were conversations from my sister about coming back down to stay with my mom in the coming weeks and I found myself very stressed from discussions on where we would scatter my dad's ashes, how we would relocate his things, and what those days would look like once she returned. I wasn't sure why I felt this way, but I shared this with my therapist, whom I had connected with in the past year to work though the anticipated grief of my dad's condition. She suggested that I set boundaries in preparation for her visit (something I'm working very hard on well beyond this visit) and so I kept that in mind as the days went by.

And just like that, in one group text over a trivial topic within the next week between my mom, my sister, and me, the explosion occurred. She was making arrangements for her upcoming stay with my mom and I simply (although bothered from the interruption during my workday and short in my response) said she should call to schedule her plans with my mom instead of making assumptions that my mom could accommodate her wishes. This set her off in ways I never thought would occur. She first berated me for being rude and making it out like I had to protect my mom from her being a monster and from there it escalated. I knew she was upset and so I didnt respond. This led her to making accusations that ranged from past situations ("you were always favored and closer to mom and dad, i've always been left out, I know my place in this family") to current situations that I could not help ("you got to go on a wonderful vacation with your family while i dealt with his death first hand all alone"), and even attacking my character and putting words in my mouth ("because you have been to therapy you think you're better than me and I'm a garbage person"). We have had plenty of blow-ups in the past that usually I could talk her down from, but I had no capacity this time due to the strain we all had been under from the recent events. My emotional state was still weak so I went into a freeze mode and didn't respond to any attacks and it took everything in me to not throw it back in her face. I left the text feed by telling her I would not communicate with her via text in this way and eventually said (without thinking) that I would not be treated with this type of abusive behavior. This set her off even more.

From here on all the emails, texts, attempts at triangulation (talking to me through my mom, my husband, and even my child) were aggressive and ridden with anger. I met them all with silence until I could speak to my therapist the following week on how to approach it because I didn't want to make it worse. I know I am not without fault here and could have met it with compassion knowing fully well she wasn't in the best emotional state either, but the berating, shaming, and finger-pointing was never-ending and I could no longer take it. Weeks went by where she would find ways to drag my mom into it to the point where my mom called sobbing and begging me to talk to my sister (she was somber, but had barely shed a tear since my dad passed). Eventually I wrote one concise email that said I loved her but that I needed space to grieve in my own way without triggering her or me being triggered as well. I told her that I cared for her and my mom, but that I would reach out to her when I was ready and if by then she wasn't ready, that would be okay too. That was in September. It is now March and I still have not connected with her. I have had urges almost daily to just reach out, but it was suggested by my therapist that I would need to be in a room with a mutual (most likely my sister's therapist) 3rd person to mediate the interaction.

There have been instances since then that have become reasons to why I haven't attempted to reconnect. She is still angry and continues to put me at fault. She gaslights and says what I did (I asked for space) caused this entire rift and says I probably am happy and wishes she was dead. She bad-mouthed me and guilted my mom enough to where the two of them scattered my dad's ashes without me (something I don't think I will never forgive or forget either of them for). She triangulates with my mom often and will throw tantrums towards my mom when she remains neutral. She has mentioned to my mom in passing that I would have to foot the bill if we did joint therapy. All during this time I have done a lot of self-work and I feel like I now have more empathy and emotional capacity, but I'm worried about the aftermath...of what will happen and how draining this upcoming work will be with her should I reengage. I would like to one day have a civil relationship and mostly I would like to see her receive the help she deserves so she can see that this disorder is holding her back in ways that are debilitating.

My question is...when do I know when I'm ready to reconnect? How do I need to brace myself for what's to come should I decide to reconnect? My other question is how do I help my mom in keeping a healthy boundary so my sister doesn't continually guilt my mom and play the victim when the situation is between me and my sister? I have been able to continue a healthy relationship with my mom without bringing my sister into the picture, but my sister can't seem to drop it and continues to talk bad about me, trying to get my mom to side with her and place blame on me.

I feel I want/need to reconnect for the sake of my mother. She hopes to see us all together again some day before she eventually passes. For the sake of our history together. Also, that it feels like the right thing to do. I feel Fear of her anger, reaction, and her outbursts. I feel Obligation for being the older sister, the responsible one to set the precedent and be the bigger person, and I feel Guilt for "withholding" her from reconciliation, from seeing my child, from going to "back to normal" with how things were, even though I know fully well things will forever be changed. Ultimately I miss the way it use to be...

I am fully aware there is no one correct answer, but wanted to share this here in hopes that others may understand what I'm going through and have words to share... or to connect with others who may need to know they're not alone should they be going through something similar.

Thank you for getting this far, for listening and allowing me the space to share something I've kept deep down and very hidden from the world.

[Hilltop]

I would not reconnect for your mother or anyone else.  Do not reconnect out of obligation.

I would reconnect when you yourself decide that YOU want a relationship with your sister and are honestly able to navigate that knowing her PD traits, that you would be able to accept the limitations and be able to put boundaries in place to protect yourself.

If you want a relationship with your sister, have one just don't feel forced into one out of responsibility and because your mother wants to see you together, that's not going to be healthy for you.

[at_a_loss]

I would not reconnect for your mother or anyone else.  Do not reconnect out of obligation.

I would reconnect when you yourself decide that YOU want a relationship with your sister and are honestly able to navigate that knowing her PD traits, that you would be able to accept the limitations and be able to put boundaries in place to protect yourself.

If you want a relationship with your sister, have one just don't feel forced into one out of responsibility and because your mother wants to see you together, that's not going to be healthy for you.

Thank you, Hilltop, for your response. There was a lot to get through here, so I appreciate your time and willingness to engage in this post.

I hear you loud and clear and perhaps in writing this entirely long entry, I am coming to realization that I am possibly not ready to reconnect even though I yearn for the possibility of it. I long for the normalcy so much and really feel uncomfortable knowing the amount of anger that's directed towards me in the meantime. Maybe that's more internal work I need to do before I'm ready, should the day come.

[Hilltop]

I think around the time of deaths and funerals are so fraught with anxiety for any family let alone one that has problems with PD personalities.   That doesn't excuse poor behaviour but its a stressful time for everyone.

I think you really need to be clear in yourself that its nothing to do with your mothers wishes or a feeling a obligation.

I think you also need to consider whether you are yearning for a relationship with your sister or whether you are yearning for a normal sisterly relationship.  Are you actually wanting a nice loving relationship with a sister and you are missing that?  Or do you actually miss the sister you have? 

As you say you long for normalcy, I also desperately wanted a normal loving family relationship but its not what I got and accepting that has been hard.  You say you are uncomfortable with the anger directed at you.  You are not really able to change that anger, that's really up to your sister to work through, you can't change her.

Perhaps you may not be ready just now to reconnect but you don't need to make a decision right here and now.  You can decide you need some time out and give yourself that time out and come back to it in 3 months and see how you feel.  If its not the right time at the moment that doesn't mean it has to be that way forever.  In saying that if you think you feel ready I would text with a simple message to reach out and let her know you are available and there.

[WinterStar]

I know I am not without fault here and could have met it with compassion knowing fully well she wasn't in the best emotional state either

At A Loss, you do not always need to be the bigger person. You do not need to be perfect. And you're allowed to call abusive behavior abusive.

From my view, you showed superhuman compassion to your sister while she flew off the handle, used your mother to further abuse you and then SPREAD YOUR FATHER'S ASHES WITHOUT YOU! I mean, there are no words for how awful that is.

And even after your superhuman compassion where you took thoughtful pauses so that you wouldn't damage the relationship with your sister despite her outrageous behavior, you still think you could have done better.

You did just fine. You don't have to be better. You just be you. And in the event that you make a mistake, that's okay. You're human. You're not perfect. You're not supposed to be.

[at_a_loss]

I think around the time of deaths and funerals are so fraught with anxiety for any family let alone one that has problems with PD personalities.   That doesn't excuse poor behaviour but its a stressful time for everyone.

I think you really need to be clear in yourself that its nothing to do with your mothers wishes or a feeling a obligation.

I think you also need to consider whether you are yearning for a relationship with your sister or whether you are yearning for a normal sisterly relationship.  Are you actually wanting a nice loving relationship with a sister and you are missing that?  Or do you actually miss the sister you have? 

As you say you long for normalcy, I also desperately wanted a normal loving family relationship but its not what I got and accepting that has been hard.  You say you are uncomfortable with the anger directed at you.  You are not really able to change that anger, that's really up to your sister to work through, you can't change her.

Perhaps you may not be ready just now to reconnect but you don't need to make a decision right here and now.  You can decide you need some time out and give yourself that time out and come back to it in 3 months and see how you feel.  If its not the right time at the moment that doesn't mean it has to be that way forever.  In saying that if you think you feel ready I would text with a simple message to reach out and let her know you are available and there.

You are correct in all the statements here, Hilltop. After re-reading my post I realize in all the backstory that I ultimately know what I did was for the best. I also realize I'm struggling with the choice I've made to keep my distance and the guilt I feel from making that choice. I feel enormous moments of guilt from "doing this" to her, breaking up the family after my dad's death, and causing turmoil between us and making my mom suffer through it. My logical side knows better, but the "good daughter/good sister" side creeps in. My parents always instilled in my sister and me that family comes first. That they longed for us to always be close, but oddly enough both sides of the family (mom and dad) have disconnected from certain siblings, so obviously they weren't good examples.

There is still a lot of anger coming from her (per my mom) so the best I can do is continue on my life in peace and hope that in time she does the work she needs to. Right now she continues to heavily guilt-trip my mom, and me indirectly, which is really messing with me and my inability to set firm boundaries. It's a mind game. I'm in uncharted emotional territory so I have a lot of unanswered questions and made up scenarios that float around in my head these days.

Thanks again for engaging and letting me know what you think.

[at_a_loss]

I know I am not without fault here and could have met it with compassion knowing fully well she wasn't in the best emotional state either

At A Loss, you do not always need to be the bigger person. You do not need to be perfect. And you're allowed to call abusive behavior abusive.

From my view, you showed superhuman compassion to your sister while she flew off the handle, used your mother to further abuse you and then SPREAD YOUR FATHER'S ASHES WITHOUT YOU! I mean, there are no words for how awful that is.

And even after your superhuman compassion where you took thoughtful pauses so that you wouldn't damage the relationship with your sister despite her outrageous behavior, you still think you could have done better.

You did just fine. You don't have to be better. You just be you. And in the event that you make a mistake, that's okay. You're human. You're not perfect. You're not supposed to be.

You are so kind, WinterStar. Thank you for your words. I feel seen and validated.

How is it that someone I thought was so close to me could end up making me feel like such a threat and villain? I have just begun to understand these PDs (diagnosed through my therapist from hearing my interactions) and it all really throws me for a loop. All the years we've been together, all the things we've been through, and she's as much a stranger to me now as she thinks I am to her for asking for this space. I have a really hard time beginning to understand it all.

Thank you for allowing me to not feel so alone.