Wanting me to come up with the answers

[doglady]

Got the following email from my parents:
Happy Birthday! We hope you have a lovely day.  We wish you would tell us what we could do to heal things. With love Dad and Mum

I just...I don't even know where to begin with this. I'm VVVVVVLC with them and (like, seriously!) I've told them - at length and on more than one occasion - what the issues are. They kept denying, justifying, gaslighting, rugsweeping, turning up when requested not to, etc etc, and when none of that works they go silent and don't even try to talk, let alone change the way they interact, not that I expect them to!
But yeah, they still want me to do all the work and come up with the solutions - which they will then invariably twist somehow if I provide any. It's exhausting just contemplating any of it.

However, I do want to take on board that they are at least asking (finally!) so I'm wondering if a good reply is something along the lines of: 'I honestly don't know what more to suggest to you other than to reread my previous emails. You could also consider seeing a health professional to help you come up with some ideas for yourselves.'

Believe me when I say I'm pretty sure this won't happen as they don't believe in talking about anything, let alone talking to a dreaded mental health professional.

It was kind of a shitty message to get today, too, as I also relocated my son to the city to start University three hours away, which is so exciting for him, but I cried all the way home. Not that my parents would've know that. But still, I just really didn't need this. Thanks for reading. It's been a day!

[Boat Babe]

Your boy is now a young man starting Uni. You must be very proud along with the sadness.  When my boy went to Uni I felt such mixed emotions. I also started to enjoy the extra free time!

I'm sorry about your parents still not getting it. Our disordered parents cause us so much pain. Sending hugs.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

I'm sorry that happened on your birthday. That's so selfish a hoover. Not that they all aren't, but ugh. Even your birthday message is about them. WE wish.

Yeah, they're asking... but I don't trust those words at face value either. Too much history of denial and gaslighting and all the rest of it. They didn't get a palatable answer, so it's all disappeared and they just wish you would tell them.... It's the same old dance.

I agree with you that there's likely nothing you can say that will be the magic bullet that will drop the scales from their eyes or that will even be accepted. Honestly I believe this sort of maneuver is a trap to further avoid personal responsibility. If they actually cared about your perspective, they would have listened already. My in-laws like to play this one. Even down to the prolonged silent treatment and sudden hoovers around holidays. How can we heal things if you won't talk it out??? I've decided simply not to play that game any more, because I have learned that "talking things out" is putting a big fat target on my face and then feeding them the ammunition.

If you do feel inclined to reply at all, I suggest waiting for as long as it takes for you to feel up to it. For myself, I have to fight the training to respond immediately. I think some detached version of "asked and answered" as you suggested is probably most appropriate. Perhaps starting with an unsent letter would be helpful to get out all the things you would like to say but would not be wise. And loads and loads of self care.

Congratulations on launching your son at university!

[Andeza]

DH runs his own business. Sometimes clients don't pay attention to the details on an invoice or previous email or text. In those cases, when they ask a question that's already been answered, he merely replies with "please see previous communication for those details" and leaves them to put on their big kid pants and figure it out.

It's just an option, one without emotion conveyed in the message, which is what they want. You're vvvvlc, they're not getting what they want, so they prod you at a time when they know you are vulnerable to try to get a rise.

Not answering at all is also perfectly fine. You have answered this to exhaustion already, and one more time probably ain't gonna change it.

Congratulations are in order, although it is indeed a bittersweet time. Take time for you, to adapt to the changes as they come. There is no right or wrong answer, just the course of action that works for you. 

[AlisonWonder]

When you don't trust someone, really really don't trust them, you can't even tell them about it.  That's how it is with compulsive liars.  I suppose you could try, "please reread old emails and ask me any genuine questions that come up for you" but I probably wouldn't.

I wonder if they think what we have done - going NC etc - is just the same kind of manipulation that they do, and can be got around in the same way, because it isn't genuine?  Does genuine even mean anything to them?  Guess not.

I'm sorry it hurt so much sending your son off.  It is such a wrench to start with.  Plus it's always easier to be the one going into the excitement than to be the one left behind with the familiar.

[doglady]

Thanks very much everyone for your kind thoughts and suggestions.

I did end up sending a brief neutral 'asked and answered' type email to them. I just wanted to get that over and done with and out of my head because I didn't want thinking about their hoovering attempts to take the place of my thoughts of how proud I am of my son and how much I love him, if that all makes sense. Everyone here gets it. Thanks again. 

[WinterStar]

Thanks very much everyone for your kind thoughts and suggestions.

I did end up sending a brief neutral 'asked and answered' type email to them. I just wanted to get that over and done with and out of my head because I didn't want thinking about their hoovering attempts to take the place of my thoughts of how proud I am of my son and how much I love him, if that all makes sense. Everyone here gets it. Thanks again. 

I think the "asked and answered" response is excellent.

When my mom contacts me, I also feel the urge to answer and get it out of my head. But I have found that slowing down the pace of things has kept things much more manageable for me. I used to always respond by the next calendar day to every communication. So, my mom would send me something upsetting, I would respond within a day, she'd send me an upsetting response right away, I'd respond within a day. By the end of the week I had a whole little collection of upsetting things.

New policy is that I wait AT LEAST seven full days before responding. It does not matter how "urgent" my mom believes the issue to be. She cannot hurry me. If I decide what I want to respond before the end of those seven days, I schedule send the email response. In my head I have "sent" the reply, so I relax, but I also know that my mom cannot respond to my reply yet because she hasn't gotten it yet, so double relax!

[doglady]

I generally tend to either not respond at all, or reply quite quickly once I've decided that a response is necessary (and then I usually edit the hell out of it over an exhausting few hours  ). So waiting at least seven days to respond is a very sound policy for me to take on board, Winterstar. Thanks.

[DistanceNotDefense]

New policy is that I wait AT LEAST seven full days before responding. It does not matter how "urgent" my mom believes the issue to be. She cannot hurry me. If I decide what I want to respond before the end of those seven days, I schedule send the email response. In my head I have "sent" the reply, so I relax, but I also know that my mom cannot respond to my reply yet because she hasn't gotten it yet, so double relax!

This is a fantastic trick! Wow I might just do this. I wonder if it is possible with text messages....don't think so. That would be a wonderful option though.

[AlisonWonder]

That is why I prefer email, it gives  me time to consider carefully before replying, plus you have a record of what was said.  I think it's great to delay by 7 days, cuts down on the number of emails and also forces them to review what they have said to you while they wait.

[Cat of the Canals]

This is a fantastic trick! Wow I might just do this. I wonder if it is possible with text messages....don't think so. That would be a wonderful option though.

I know it's probably the norm for most people to respond to text messages immediately these days, but I almost never do. And not just with my PD family. So yes, it is possible.

I sometimes don't respond at all to my mother's texts, and my husband does the same with his mother. So many of them are inane and there just isn't anything to say. But sometimes even when they are playing the "IT'S URGENT!!!!" game, we set them aside until we have time to deal with whatever it is.

Start slow. If you're at a point now where you are expected to respond to a text immediately, start waiting 1 hour. After you've established that as the norm, bump it up to 2, 3, 6, 8 hours. You get the idea.

If you're dealing with a PD, they will probably complain at some point, but you simply gray rock/MC. Again, this is a boundary issue. You are allowed to decide when, how, and if you respond, just like anything else.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Start slow. If you're at a point now where you are expected to respond to a text immediately, start waiting 1 hour. After you've established that as the norm, bump it up to 2, 3, 6, 8 hours. You get the idea.

If you're dealing with a PD, they will probably complain at some point, but you simply gray rock/MC. Again, this is a boundary issue. You are allowed to decide when, how, and if you respond, just like anything else.

Thankfully I'm NC/No response right now 

I went through all this already with slow responses/MC/grey rock and it landed me in NC, because they went bonkers and ramped up resentment when I suddenly wasn't on call for them and mega-available all the time.

I am back in therapy and considering switching to VVVVVVLC to relieve some tension and this solution of delayed messaging/email would be a beautiful one to try going back in but I am still not clear on what the benefits of going back in would be. Still figuring that out....

[all4peace]

This is tough. I'm facing something similar this week, and I really value the advice you've already been given here. I think that it's really ok whatever you choose, if you're clear on why you're choosing it and if it is kind to you, in accordance with your values. It sounds like you've already done this. Well done!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi there, all4peace!

[Leonor]

First, congratulations on sending your young man off to college!

I'm a college teacher, and I reassure you that he even as he is excited and happy, he is also missing his home and mom. Even *seniors* write their essays about their favorite family vacation, or their old bedroom, or their dog. It's so cute!

About the message your parents sent you on your birthday, yes that is a cruel, manipulative and narcissistic way to lure you back in to feed their need for control and drama.

Of course they also know their grandson started college. They can add, can't they? There's things happening in your life, you're rightly focused on your family, and they don't like it. So they take a swipe at you.

Also I agree that you are always in control of any convo with your parents, no matter how they try to get to you. I love the idea of waiting a certain amount of time before answering them. It's not about teaching them a lesson, or making them "get it," but training yourself to endure the inevitable anxiety that creeps up when you do something protective and healing for yourself instead of rushing back to them.

The urge to find some glimmer of hope or make sure they're ok or make some distinction between a casual email or urgent text is *trauma based.* It's the old fears coming back. It's the emotional memory of how your parents have used you instead of lived and supported you.

Think about how you just mothered your son into college. You felt proud. You were there for him, helping him make that transition (moving that mini-fridge!) And you grieved this new shift in your relationship on your way home, because you knew it was appropriate to honor your feelings in a way that wouldn't cause emotional distress in your son on his special day.

And then do something very special for yourself, because you have broken the cycle.

[doglady]

I think that it's really ok whatever you choose, if you're clear on why you're choosing it and if it is kind to you, in accordance with your values.

Thanks all4peace, I often doubt whether I'm doing it the 'right way,' so the three points you outline here provide a really helpful checklist, and I think I did do that:
1. I was clear on why I chose to respond how and when I did, ie. briefly, neutrally, and without putting too much emotional effort or rumination time in:
2. it was kind to me, as I put my wellbeing first without damaging anyone - and I believe I was also kind to them as I put it back on them and didn't enable them, even if they will invariably experience it as 'unkind' to them because I'm not willing to give them the 'answer,' which they would inevitably poohoo anyway;
3. it was definitely in accordance with my values. I value being direct, kind, and I expect others to seek professional help and come up with their own answers rather than rescue them only for them to resort to their favoured strategy of blaming me when they invariably sabotage my efforts (not doing that ever again).

So my reply was a version of 'asked and answered' plus actually providing them with an idea (since they asked).
I wrote: 'I think I've pretty extensively outlined what I believe the issues are, so having a reread of emails I've previously sent may assist both of you to come up with some ideas, perhaps along with going to see a health professional to get some further advice.'
The reality is that they used to complain about what I wrote to them and then resorted to making  disparaging comments about my grammar when they couldn't fault any of my logic  . Plus, they are dead against seeing mental health professionals, so there's that. Anyway, not my problem.

Think about how you just mothered your son into college. You felt proud. You were there for him, helping him make that transition (moving that mini-fridge!) And you grieved this new shift in your relationship on your way home, because you knew it was appropriate to honor your feelings in a way that wouldn't cause emotional distress in your son on his special day.

Thanks Leonor, it's great to hear it from the point of view of a teacher. He's actually called already to see how his dogs, chickens and goldfish are going! And you're right, I am proud. He's a wonderful young man, and he's finding his feet down there in the big smoke, going out and doing all the things. and yes, I cried most of the way home but it was also interspersed with a lot of smiling and thinking about what a fine young man he is and how loved and loving he is. And yeah I was certainly mindful of not being overly emotional in front of him, while then privately still honouring how I felt once I got in the car. (The transition went well, although we moved guitars and computer screens - the mini-fridge is still on the way!)
It also made me recall when my parents shifted me into Uni and how my uPDM seemed to delight in trillingly telling anyone for years afterwards how I'd apparently looked a bit anxious that day. Like, big deal!, I mean wouldn't it be normal for a young girl from the country to be a bit trepidatious? It always seemed like they couldn't wait to get rid of me. If only they'd realized that I couldn't wait to get shot of them!