I Can't Keep Doing This

Prototypian · March 11, 2021, 12:44:34 PM

This morning the fight with her was enormous and it erupted over the fact that my spouse attended a college readiness program. Our son is a top usa high school athlete number one in our state and number one or two in the uSa as a junior in his sport and is on calls every week with about six major college coaches about their programs, their desire for him to commit to their University and why he should consider blah blah U as his choice. He is also number 21 out of a class of about 800 at a big high school with multiple AP classses, above a 4.6 weighted GPA and intends to study math and economics. And he is a junior. His life is eating, doing schoolwork, working out, competing and planning for his college. He has not finished his eagle scout and doesn't like to prioritize SAT prep classes.

My spouse was furious and to the point of screaming because he agreed to finish his eagle scout but doesn't think it's that important. The anger was that he agreed to do the work but in her mind it's for the wrong reasons and that is telling her that she and the people presenting the "how to get into college" presentation are being disrespected. I'm not kidding about how furious she was. It was scary and during my normal work hours.

She was then furious about the financial aid packages. Last week he received a letter from a major coach telling him that they have a package for him if he signs a letter of intent for waived tuition and fees (100 pe:rcent) for four years as academic scholarship meaning they can't take it away if he gets hurt and then four years for room and board as a full athletic scholarship.

Not to mention the fact that I can afford to pay out of pocket for anywhere for our kids college without loans. Her anger is that he blew her off when she was tryignn to tEll him how important scholarship applications will be. Except again, he is a JUNIOR. We have another year of high school

I'm so down. She screamed and ran into the bedroom when I asked what does she want us to do because I am managing him and his scouts etc and I'm not seeing that he is failing anything. I had to leave. I just can't keep doing this.

Bunnyme · March 11, 2021, 01:58:36 PM

I'm so sorry. I'm glad to hear that you removed yourself from the situation and are getting the help you need. Focus on your health and well-being. I dont have advice to give, but I'm glad that you came here.

Penny Lane · March 12, 2021, 03:13:54 PM

Jsinjin I am thinking about you! It sounds like you're having a very tough time and I hope today is looking up for you.

Kat54 · March 12, 2021, 11:13:30 PM

Your struggles have been so real. Keep posting as it's a release for you. Sorry how difficult this has been.

11JB68 · March 13, 2021, 10:50:34 PM

I'm so sorry you and your son are dealing with this.
I think one of the most helpful things for me was to realize that so much of what my uocpdh does and says is projection. He projects his own insecurities onto our son. It's about him, not about our son.

JustKeepTrying · March 15, 2021, 12:03:54 AM

jsinjin,

Wow. You must be so proud of your son. All of that hard work. Well deserved honors. Congratulations.

My youngest is graduating high school in a few months. He too is an Eagle Scout/AP/top class and has spent this past year writing scholarship apps and college forms. All of it a pain. So much stress. I can't imagine the strain your son must be under and all while performing as a top athlete.

I am grateful that my xOCPDh is not here for any of it. He was a nightmare when my DD28 and DD26 were going through the process. Every little seminar, application and form had to be reviewed, double checked, and reviewed again. He never trusted anyone to submit for any reason. Truly trying.

I agree with 11jB68 that it's projection. Doesn't make it easy for you. It's not about your son. It's all about your spouse and their loss of control.

On another note, meet with your guidance counselor about timelines for college applications. It does start now. You don't need to stress like your spouse is - that is way over board. But perhaps they can provide a time line for you to follow. College visits to plan, etc. It might ease some stress for all of you. We started really early but I knew that it would take time for my son to wrap his head around the decisions. I'm glad we did as the pandemic shut down visits for us.

Also, I knew several young people who were pursued for college sports - number one like your son. Yet they didn't want to compete at the college level. They felt they stress and competitiveness at that level took the joy out of the sport for them. Or they opted for smaller schools and it was more fun for them. Just make sure he is doing it for himself and the right reasons.

As for the Eagle, he won't need it for college apps with all he has going on (unless he drops sports and is going ivy) If he doesn't feel compelled to complete, then don't. Just make sure he doesn't regret the pass. After 18, it's over. And don't underestimate the time to complete. Whatever you estimate in time, double. Takes far longer than you think - it's hard to get all those signatures and approvals. Good luck.

GettingOOTF · March 15, 2021, 06:39:01 AM

Quote from: JustKeepTrying on March 15, 2021, 12:03:54 AM

Also, I knew several young people who were pursued for college sports - number one like your son. Yet they didn't want to compete at the college level. They felt they stress and competitiveness at that level took the joy out of the sport for them. Or they opted for smaller schools and it was more fun for them. Just make sure he is doing it for himself and the right reasons.

I know kids like this too. One was scouted for the Olympic team. They played sports all through HS and in college were just done with the sport. Many kids do this to please their parents or because it doesn’t occur to them not to play. This changes when they are start looking at colleges. They realize they have options and can make their own choices.

A friend was furious with his child for turning down the scholarship you describe, but the kid was simply done. They went to a smaller college and took out loans. They honesty seem much happier. Your situation sounds more extreme than his but his marriage was very similar to yours. He eventually divorced once all the kids were in college. None of them play any of the sports they excelled at and they all have relatively low level jobs now despite where they came from. I think they are all burned out and needed a break. The thing is they all seem really happy. I think they are just glad the pressure is off. You would have thought they lived for the sports they did as they were so good at it, but turns out it was just because it’s what their mother insisted on. Once they had a choice they walked away completely.

Prototypian · March 15, 2021, 10:33:01 PM

Thanks all! My son's life is running; he lives eats, breathes and studies running. He traveled to the NCAA Nationals this week just to watch the teams he wants to attend. I'm ok with that as long as he is happy. I just want his mom to stop complaining about what he isn't prioritizing when he has good grades and is a recruited athlete. My son is one whose happiness is the joy of his sport; his friends are all in it, he reads technical books on the subject, listens to podcasts and he has accomplished things that are significant records. The problem isn't the sport, it's his mother's anger that she isn't able to control this set of decisions. And it would be tolerable if she was just a control freak. It's the amsolute violent anger that sends us all into walking on eggshells.

That's what makes me want to leave. It isn't about control for me. I don't want to control my spouse's anger, I want the people in her life to be respected well enough that different points of view for things that are not morally compromised or harmful are respected enough to not cause violent anger. The issue could be anything like a kid decides not to do an extra credit assignment or chooses not to do a service project or attend an after school program. To me that's a choice and it's not hurting anyone in the long term. To my wife, it's a serious long term problem that must be corrected.

That's why I want out.

notrightinthehead · March 16, 2021, 02:13:16 AM

I feel very sorry for your kids. They did not choose to live this way. Hopefully they will find some help sometime.

JustKeepTrying · March 16, 2021, 09:55:32 AM

jsinjin,

Ah, cross country! I loved those meets. My DD19, senior, ran cross country and loved it. He showed promise for breaking records but asthma kept him in the upper middle pack. Yet those cheering parents and families for everyone who crossed the line was so positive. I had not know how supportive and uplifting a sport could be before cross country.

you are absolutely right to see the situation for what it is. you have reasoned it well and understand. Impressive and inspiring. I have read some of your posts in the past and know that you are doing all you can for your kids and your marriage. You deserve family, balance, support and love. I am sending you virtual hugs and caring thoughts as you navigate through the fog.