The ambience (sp?) after my mother passed away

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AlisonWonder

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The ambience (sp?) after my mother passed away
« on: March 14, 2021, 07:04:23 PM »
I want to talk about changes since my uPHM passed away, but I think this is the only place I will be able to say how I feel.
It feels like "love is in the air" and I think it's because of the absence of hatred, envy, confusion and disappointment towards me.  This isn't the first time I have felt this. 
1. my uNPD FIL left the room one Christmas and the entire group visibly relaxed.  That includes members of my own FOO.
2. my uNPD husband left me quite suddenly and although I was very very shocked and stressed, I felt such joy and peace, it was like going from bud to blossom in one day.  (He tried to come back and eventually took all the kids, permanently it seems after 2 decades, but I didn't know that was coming)

I've read somewhere that one of the signs of emotion abuse is that the child seems very happy whenever the PD parent is merely neutral, because it is such a big improvement.  It seems death is the biggest neutral mood of all.
I feel alive and hopeful, and I am suddenly outgoing and love to talk to new people!

What my (now) husband says is that it is like having trained at high altitude.  After that, everything seems easy.

Thank you for reading :)
child of the 60s, clinically disturbed mother, responsible cptsd father, much-older abusive siblings

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Pepin

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Re: The ambience (sp?) after my mother passed away
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2021, 08:52:53 PM »
I want to talk about changes since my uPHM passed away, but I think this is the only place I will be able to say how I feel.
It feels like "love is in the air" and I think it's because of the absence of hatred, envy, confusion and disappointment towards me.  This isn't the first time I have felt this. 

This totally resonates with me.  When certain people have been out of my life for extended periods of time, I have felt lighter.

But.  In the back of my mind, I know that they are still there - at least the ones that I still have to deal with from time to time.  For me this includes NF and PDmil.  I try so hard to live as though they don't exist.  But they do and they still manage to get around my rigid boundaries.  They know how to navigate their way and get to me through others.  The only way this can end is when they are no longer here.

All the things you mentioned above are what I carry with me on a daily basis.  And I know that as soon as either one expires, I am going to feel the chains break.  All that negative energy is going to vanish and it cannot happen soon enough. It undoubtedly will be the final piece of my ongoing self care that I have been patiently waiting for.  NC with NF and VLLLLLC with PDmil hasn't been enough for me. 

I am so happy that you have finally managed to get to a place of peace for yourself. 
NPD F (overt) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC headed to NC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: The ambience (sp?) after my mother passed away
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2021, 05:22:53 PM »
I feel alive and hopeful, and I am suddenly outgoing and love to talk to new people!

This is so good to read AlisonWonder! I'm glad for you and I know I'll feel the same when my day comes.

Like Pepin wrote, I feel lighter too when certain people are out of my life for periods of time. In fact, with me not being as enmeshed with my uNPD mother, I feel lighter than I used to. A whole day can go by that I barely think of her (except to wonder if this is the day she passes). It's nice when they aren't in our brains constantly and I can't wait until it's permanent.  :upsidedown:



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AlisonWonder

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Re: The ambience (sp?) after my mother passed away
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2021, 06:20:30 PM »
Thank you Pepin!

Yes that is how I felt too, lighter but not yet free.  Now though, I am wondering, who is the cause of this?  Is it my mother, or all the people "out there" who forced us together by refusing to admit there could be a problem?  That would include my FOO and most strangers. 

Because most of the harm my mother caused me as an adult, came from unwitting bystanders and relatives who acted as her flying monkeys.   

I definitely loved my mother, but eventually I had to admit it was one-way and start loving myself.



 
[/quote]

This totally resonates with me.  When certain people have been out of my life for extended periods of time, I have felt lighter.

But.  In the back of my mind, I know that they are still there - at least the ones that I still have to deal with from time to time.  For me this includes NF and PDmil.  I try so hard to live as though they don't exist.  But they do and they still manage to get around my rigid boundaries.  They know how to navigate their way and get to me through others.  The only way this can end is when they are no longer here.

All the things you mentioned above are what I carry with me on a daily basis.  And I know that as soon as either one expires, I am going to feel the chains break.  All that negative energy is going to vanish and it cannot happen soon enough. It undoubtedly will be the final piece of my ongoing self care that I have been patiently waiting for.  NC with NF and VLLLLLC with PDmil hasn't been enough for me. 

I am so happy that you have finally managed to get to a place of peace for yourself.
[/quote]
child of the 60s, clinically disturbed mother, responsible cptsd father, much-older abusive siblings

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AlisonWonder

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Re: The ambience (sp?) after my mother passed away
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2021, 06:24:08 PM »
SunnyMeadow we do try to manage our thoughts don't we, but it's nice not be swimming upstream anymore.
Yes even with my adult children (parentally alienated) I go though times when I don't think of them, and it's most suprising when I realise.

Everything is connected, guess that's not always going to feel good though.

Thank you for the kind words :)

I feel alive and hopeful, and I am suddenly outgoing and love to talk to new people!

This is so good to read AlisonWonder! I'm glad for you and I know I'll feel the same when my day comes.

Like Pepin wrote, I feel lighter too when certain people are out of my life for periods of time. In fact, with me not being as enmeshed with my uNPD mother, I feel lighter than I used to. A whole day can go by that I barely think of her (except to wonder if this is the day she passes). It's nice when they aren't in our brains constantly and I can't wait until it's permanent.  :upsidedown:
child of the 60s, clinically disturbed mother, responsible cptsd father, much-older abusive siblings

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Boat Babe

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Re: The ambience (sp?) after my mother passed away
« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2021, 07:39:21 PM »
Sending hugs Alison  :bighug:
It gets better. It has to.

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AlisonWonder

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Re: The ambience (sp?) after my mother passed away
« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2021, 06:20:46 PM »
Thank you Boat Babe! Realised last night that a big part of the problem was my mother's fury when I stopped "laughing at her jokes" so to speak.   I'd tried VLC but this is what happened so in a sense I "tried and tried until I was successfully NC" but in another sense, the problem escalated as I was more myself, until NC was necessary.

I wish us all well :)
child of the 60s, clinically disturbed mother, responsible cptsd father, much-older abusive siblings