A visit from my old friend, Guilt

Lauren17 · March 14, 2021, 09:59:38 PM

uBPDh has been out of town for a few days. I've taken the opportunity to finish gathering finances, research lawyers, and plan.
But...
He is gone so he can complete a favor for my FOO. I feel so guilty planning a divorce while he's off completing this task.
And then I found the old Lauren thinking, "I need to be really nice to H since he did this thing for me," in relation to my frustration with his passive aggressive behavior.
That's all. Just wanted to share with people who understand.

JustKeepTrying · March 14, 2021, 11:45:37 PM

Lauren17,

I've been divorced for a year, out for 18 months and married for 32.

I was a on walk today by myself enjoying the beautiful spring day. Feeling the breeze and sunshine. Totally giving myself over the sensation that positive is around the corner.

Then a random thought breezed in with an image of my exOCPDh - a fleeting image that morphed into a video of life with him again and possibility of life now - post divorce - with him. It shimmered with promise and tantalizing allure.

Then it broke into pieces as I remembered his raging face and the decades of financial abuse.

In fact, I logged in tonight to just remind myself of why I left in the first place.

That guilt - that worry. Valid and your feelings are perfectly valid. Divorce does not make it go away. It will, maybe, creep in now and again. But remember your why. Ground yourself and know that there are bright, sunny spring days ahead. You got this. Whether you leave or not. You got it.

Lauren17 · March 16, 2021, 09:11:19 AM

Thank you , JustKeepTrying. I can't express how much I needed to hear that.
I went to pick him up today. I started to express a feeling about FOO and the task he'd completed. He immediately started pacifying me. He even made the calm down motion with his hands. Then invalidation. "It's not that bad"
Oh yeah, this is why I'm planning a divorce. Not because he's a bad person but because there's no feelings allowed, no sharing of the things that are actually important. And really, is that even a marriage?