She gave me homework???

[Cat of the Canals]

So the cliffnotes version of what's been going on with my unPD mom is that we lost my husband's brother in January. Aside from the general grieving process, a lot of stuff with our FOOs has been put in perspective (in other words, BOUNDARIES is now my middle name). So when my mother started up her usual poking and prodding to try to get me to call her, for the first time ever, I said no. On March 6th, I told her I didn't feel like talking, maybe in a few days.

Today she sends an email:

"Just want you guys to know that You are On My Mind....
Seems like forever since we talked...but i get that tooooooooo.
You know how to find me..."

(Ignore the bizarre capitalization and the cooing at me like I'm a baby.  You'll note that she doesn't ask how we are. She also neglects to mention that we have exchanged a few texts AND I called her on Sunday, and she didn't answer. Naturally I have to find her.)

Then she launches into one of her standard spiels about one of the organizations she's involved with. When we talk, this is always what dominates the "conversation." Looooong, repetitive lectures about all the important work they're doing, what new task she's been assigned (more like assigned herself), and complaining about how everyone else involved is either a martyr like her or completely incompetent. This time there's a video related to the org that she wants me to watch.

"It is about 11 minutes long. Watch thru the credits as there is stuff following the credits.  and we can talk about it on Friday. ENJOY!!"

So not only do I have to watch the video (which I'm frankly not interested in), but I need to 1. watch it ALL THE WAY THROUGH, and 2. prepare notes because we're apparently scheduled to talk about it on Friday.



This is seriously one of the weirdest things she's ever done. I'm not even sure what to make of it. Is it a pseudo-genuine attempt to connect, except she can only do so by - AGAIN - making it about herself and her interests? Is she fed up with the fact that I haven't called and the only thing she can think to do is barge in and start assigning me tasks??? My husband thought I would be furious after reading it, but honestly, I'm just kind of baffled.

[WinterStar]

Cat,

I hear you. My mom's emails have been increasingly weird the more boundaries I have had. To be fair, she probably thinks I am the weird one because I shook up our whole dysfunctional dynamic.

My mom sent me a video of her liturgical dance, which I only saw a small portion of, but, man, that was bizarre. She gave me a book of her poems, and reading between the lines, they are heavily inspired by her sad, sad life story. I didn't read them, but she asked for a review. I mean, even if I had read the poetry, what could I even say? "Thanks, mom for telling me AGAIN how very, very hard your life is with a heaping helping of TMI." I just went with a "haven't gotten to it" response.

She also shares  details about inconsequential "victories" at work. Think, "I've been campaigning to put the copy machine on the other side of the lounge for 7 years, and it finally happened!" Um, okay. Sounds like a huge investment for something really minor. But she's so proud!

There's this really pathetic performative element to all this. Like I'm her audience and she's waiting for the applause. It's gross.

And, she never asks about how I'm doing or my kids. Except to ask when she can video chat, talk on the phone or visit with us. Her most recent voicemail was for my daughter's birthday, and my mom said she hopes to see us "very soon". She lives in another state and COVID isn't over yet, kids may not have a vaccine available till next year, so I'm not sure where she's getting "very soon" from.

I'm sorry you're going through this too.

[Call Me Cordelia]

You certainly are not alone. This sounds so much like my MIL.    Right down to giving me homework. Seriously, she assigned me the equivalent of a term paper to tell her about myself so she could "get to know me" after I'd been married to her son for ten years. I agree it's a performance! She and my DH no longer communicate via text or phone, because there is "no point" without Cordelia allowing her to be really part of the family. (Ie. Cordelia has BOUNDARIES) So now she emails DH a barfy braggy Christmas letter every week, dated in the subject line. Sounds similar to your mother. Her success at work, how wonderful she is caring for aging parent (unlike some ungrateful children), her interview in local socialite rag. Not that I've read them. This is DH's summary. He no longer reads them either.

Yep, a performance all right. Acting like they think a good and genuine person would act, but clearly missing the mark. There is no actual care for you in that message! Instead you get controlling the content of conversation, controlling the timing of your response, controlling her image as the person she needs to imagine herself to be, and of you as the person she imagines you are. I don't think women like this know what connection really is. I think they have an idea they are entitled to our attention and admiration, and if that's present with the least amount of effort on their part it's a good relationship. It's such a shame, and I'm sorry your mother is like that.

[Hilltop]

Oh my goodness Call Me Cordelia, that is, I'm not sure I have the words for what that is.  So she wanted you to write an essay or paper about yourself after being married for 10 years.  Wow.  So she couldn't be bothered talking to you in person to get to know you, she just wanted you to write out about yourself and she could just quickly skim over it to get to know you, I'm just not sure what to make of that, so bizarre.

Cats I guess you could just tell her you got busy and didn't have time to watch it.  In one way if she is happy to prattle on about it for the conversation I guess that keeps her busy.  Its hurtful that she hasn't acknowledged that there is a disconnect, its hurtful that she is so self absorbed that she doesn't ask about you.

Would it help to think of how often you are comfortable calling her and just do that.  Tell her you didn't have time for the video and let her prattle on about it, let her talk about herself for whatever time you are willing to give and then not speak to her until the next time you are ready to talk to her.  I mean she does say to you that you know where to find her, so you can call her how often you are comfortable with.  If she doesn't answer or doesn't return your call so be it, leave it.  Whatever she wants to think about that is up to her.  If she wants to talk in between when you call, she can call and if she doesn't that's on her.

[blues_cruise]

It's bizarre, I agree. I think she's trying to control you but dressing it up in the guise of being friendly and doing something 'fun' so that her setting out a timetable (i.e. you WILL talk to me on Friday whether you like it or not) is perceived as less toxic. She's making everything about her, whereas genuine connection is formed by showing an interest in the other person.

If you don't have the energy to speak to her on Friday then it's entirely valid to reiterate that you're busy at the moment and will be in touch when it's more convenient. I think she's attempting to up the ante here and trying to push against your earlier boundary.

[Cat of the Canals]

Thanks everyone, especially for the reminder that I have no responsibility to actually call her tomorrow. If she would have just ASKED if I was in a place to talk yet or was feeling better... but no.

Cordelia, I can not even imagine someone having the balls to do that! It would be bizarre at any point in time, but after TEN YEARS???? And what did she actually expect you to write? Your favorite color? How you take your coffee? She could have at least done you the courtesy of making up a questionnaire... (Kidding, of course. Ugh.)

[Call Me Cordelia]

So how are you, Cat? I hope you had a good weekend.

And to be fair my MIL did go first and wrote up a glowing profile of her false self for me, so I was clear on exactly who I was dealing with.  And then put myself out there for her to see all my weaknesses. Of course she had none.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm OK. Thanks for asking, Cordelia. ♥

Yesterday was kind of rough because my MIL got the autopsy report on my BIL and just HAD to share it. The notion that maybe we don't want or need the grisly details of his death doesn't occur to her.

I figured I might as well get another load of unpleasantness out of the way, so I called my mom today. She immediately handed off the phone to my 3 yo nephew. Then told me she'd call me back in five minutes because my SIL and nephews were leaving, and she had to help get them settled in the car. I waited around for ten minutes and then found something else to do. 45 minutes later she called back, but by then I was in the middle of playing a videogame with my husband, AKA busy.  She called three more times and left two messages.  It's become so obvious that when my nephews are around, she finds me barely more interesting than swamp sludge. The minute they are out of sight, she neeeeeeeeeeeeeds me.

I called her back, and it went OK. The usual. My brother is a jerk for [insert this week's reason]. Her Very Important Organization is doing something Very Important. But the big difference was that I set a timer for 25 minutes and made up an excuse to get off the phone when it went off. THAT felt good. Usually I just wait around until she talks herself out, which can be over an hour sometimes, and half of the call is her moaning about how she has NOTHING to TALK ABOUT. Which I'm pretty sure is her projecting about how little I have to say.

[Andeza]

Yay for timers! That's how I started weaning my uBPDm off her multi-hour phone calls. Fifteen minutes in whether I'd said anything or not I had to go. It was usually fifteen minutes of her medical woes nonstop without pausing for breath.

Gaming! I love it. Slightly off-topic... but it's always been an important part of my life and a great way to escape. I concur. Gaming = too busy.