Friendship troubles with bdp traits

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Whitesheep45

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Friendship troubles with bdp traits
« on: March 18, 2021, 08:41:59 AM »
Hi all
Haven't posted for a while thanks for being here ..
A friend of 7 yrs has been significantly mentally unstable this past 2 yrs it's been difficult with her and I feel I've reached my limit .
A private psych said to her he thinks she has bpd . She already has cptsd diagnosis as do I and untreated sexual abuse from f ...

I've been seeing more a more manipulative behaviour , chaotic and pushing pulling behaviour , backtracking and contradicting self , huge emotional fall out from loss / abandonment stuff and suicidal expressions . We are both in 12 step programmes and I know she is going from person to person with her stuff and people telling her she needs outside support ...
I can also see a lot of her giving to me is to do with her clinging and am seeing more and more her lack of empathy ..
I am unwell physically with chronic health and she called me out recently saying I'm not listening to her like her other friends ... ( Not so long ago she said I was the friend she could speak to the most ) ...I said to her have I not been there the last 2 yrs supporting -- she didn't answer ..
Today I've put a boundary in and said I can't have contact unless she gets MH support ...this I was able to do with someone else's support to me ..
She said she is seeking cptsd support but i can't see this being enough ...anyway that's her bag and responsibility ..

For me I didn't see how unwell she was until this last 2 yrs ...
Before that she was reasonably stable and we had a good friendship .
She has been my closet friend..

I'm just kicking myself how did I choose someone with bpd after all the therapy and work I've done on myself I feel a failure ...
But I know I'm still healing and I did enter the  friendship a long time ago
I don't know at this point  if this friendship  .can or should continue ...
I'd Def have to have a frank conversation with her , call some things out and put some boundaries in ....but that's for the future and maybe for our sister forum .

Thing is I can't trust who I pick as friends even now cause I know I gravitate towards people with issues just like I have issues ...

I lost another long term friend last yr after seeing her dysfunction more clearly ..

I'm doomed

Lonely and doomed errr I have CFS and am pretty housebound so it's not like I'm getting opportunity to be out in society and mixing ..

I do have support in my community from other people I know friends who are more on the wider network if u see what I mean ...
People fr 12 step , gardens where I volunteered , church etc ...
I feel blessed for that ..

This will be the first time in my life I won't have anyone close close to me ...and I'm at my most vunerable due to housebound ...
It's scarey

All experience and help appreciated

Thank u !

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Whitesheep45

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Re: Friendship troubles with bdp traits
« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2021, 08:43:10 AM »
Maybe its good I don't have anyone close close to me so I can just be with me ...

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blacksheep7

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Re: Friendship troubles with bdp traits
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2021, 12:32:29 PM »
Hi Whitesheep45,

I can fully relate to your story.  A few months ago I posted a similar story involving a bff of 30  years where I realized that she was a Big codependent with one of her sons, partner and I.  It was a shock for me.  I had overlooked my instincts when  she would call me 3 to 4 times a week on her lunch breaks to vent which was tooooo much for me and that I was the only one she was relying on.   I had earned that feeling from NM who wanted that enmeshed relationship with daily or x phonecalls  a week.

To make a long story short, she was completely in dire straits when her life began to crumble at work with harassment, her partner that has a mental/mood disorder because he refused to take his meds after feeling better. With that, having all her other codependents pulling at her for help.
She would call me  crying  in deep despair all the time expecting me to sooth her which I did.

Unfortunately she created this upon herself to always give give and give.  She never went to therapy while I did most of my life.  I did the 12 steps often, great help but we must learn to not take up all the problems of others.  I paid the price and it took a toll on my mental peace of mind.

I was able to have a talk with her and helped her realize her codependency and had to put boundaries in place about the phone calls which I am still sensitive to having my own issues of cptsd.

Don't kick yourself for choosing those friends, :sadno: it took me decades to really see who my bff was, for one she moved back to her hometown early on our friendship so we wouldn't communicate as much, busy raising our kids.

I also realized in the last years comming ootf what my relationships were and had to make a few adjustments.  Some friends that were top of the list to me are  not reciprocal.  When covid will slow down, I will be out there to make new ones who are interested but always with boundaries, nothing too close and personal.

Like Starboard says, Boundaries is the only way.

You can take measures that will suit you.  I would still let her know that she needs outside professional advice and help which you are unable to give her.

« Last Edit: March 18, 2021, 12:36:34 PM by blacksheep7 »
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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Gobeme

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Re: Friendship troubles with bdp traits
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2021, 12:39:36 PM »
Nay  - you are not doomed!  Much healthier to free yourself from so called toxic friends.  I had to let two of mine go a few years ago and it is amazing how much happier I feel without all their baggage weighing me down.  I think as we emerge slowly Out of the FOG we are able to see more clearly dysfunction all around us.  I felt the same way you did and also thought I would be on my tod and a friendless bunny for ever.  But no I was able to become closer to other people and altough I still do not have a best friend I do have friendships I appreciate and that make me feel good about myself. 

Right back to the garden for me now -  I am in the middle of weeding! 




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Sapling

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Re: Friendship troubles with bdp traits
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2021, 08:55:57 PM »
Dear Whitesheep 45,

You are not doomed! You have not failed. The fact that you're recognising these traits in your friend is a sign that you want (and are capable of having) more healthy relationships in your life. You do not need to blame yourself for this person's behavior. PDs are manipulative and they do not show their hand until you are reeled in.

Re: "I'm just kicking myself how did I choose someone with bpd after all the therapy and work I've done on myself I feel a failure ...
But I know I'm still healing and I did enter the  friendship a long time ago"

I want to share with you something my therapist said to me when I first realised I had a cluster of PD friends around me. I felt stupid for not seeing what was going on and I felt deceived. My T said: PD behavior is a maladaptive way for the PD to get some of their needs met. If their behavior were easy to spot, it would not work for them and it would not do the job of helping them get their needs met. Part of PD behavior is covering the traits well (at least in the beginning). That's how they still manage to have friends, partners, jobs etc. That is not your fault and it is not your shortcoming.

It is likely that even after all the work in the world, a PD may find a way into your life. And that is not your failure. That's what THEY do. They weasel their way into the lives of people who they identify as being able to meet their needs. You working on yourself, and being on here, and being aware of those traits and how to set boundaries with them will help you turf them out when you see that behavior.

Your list of her manipulative behavior looks pretty comprehensive and spot on. I'd say you're doing pretty well to have identified all of these things and to be considering weeding this person out of your life, especially when they are someone who has been so close to you. Trust yourself and trust your instincts on this one. You may not feel great about this, and it is going to be sad letting go, but you actually sound like you got this.  :yes:

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JollyJazz

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Re: Friendship troubles with bdp traits
« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2021, 03:36:10 AM »
Hi Whitesheep45,

The fact that you spotted her behavior for what it was and set a boundary is an awesome thing, and evidence of progress and growth.

I think you're not doomed at all! But I so understand the feeling. This stuff takes time, it goes it fits and starts.

One thing I noticed was that you said you have been supporting her emotionally.

I'm guessing that she was attracted to you caregiving her and threw a bit of a tantrum when you didn't give as much as she felt entitled to. I read 'stop caregiving the borderline or narcissist' amazing book that helped me a lot.

I recently 'broke up' with a borderline 'friend' who split on me when I set some boundaries with her. Reading that book made all the difference.

I'm sure that you are destined for much better friendships and relationships in future. It's great that you have those interests, hobbies. Keep up your good work growing and reaching out. You WILL find healthier relationships. And I think you've done so wonderfully drawing a boundary with that lady.

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daughter

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Re: Friendship troubles with bdp traits
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2021, 06:26:31 PM »
I recently had a BFF rage at me that I wasn't "doing enough" for her.  I realized that I'd been doing 80% of the heavy-lifting in our friendship.  Two years ago, she became more sanctimonious, miserly, and peculiar (separate post), to point I was discussing her in my therapy sessions.  But her raging at me was too much; too triggering, too much a reminder of my estranged npd parents.  I'm consciously working on not being anyone's personal assistant -doormat anymore.  Yes, I knew this BFF needed therapy, but she was too resistant, too enmeshed in Opus Dei sect to act in her best interest. Me, I'm no longer "free therapy" ala mode.
« Last Edit: April 07, 2021, 06:28:18 PM by daughter »