Be like the Wind - Is this a thing?

[JustKeepTrying]

I was married to my xOCPDh for 32 years.  There was one behavior/mind set that I am trying to come terms with.  It influenced so much of what we did and I do even today.  I am asking this so that I can better understand where this desire comes from - part of the disorder/part of him and the flea I feel I may have picked up.

He always said he went through high school like the wind.  No one would really remember him and he liked that.  He lived most of our marriage in a "don't rock the boat" vibe.  Don't protest.  Don't ask and you won't hear.  Don't say anything - he taught our kids that.  Don't stand up for yourself or defend or anything.  Just don't make yourself seen.  We lived in a suburb in a typical house where the outside was perfect and the inside his chaotic mess that I could never clean.  Never had people over.  Kids could never have friends over or sleep overs.  No one was really allowed in and if I did have them over - he would be angry, upset and life would be extra eggshelly for weeks before and after.

No political discussions or signs.  No talking to friends (what very little/few I had) about anything important.  Surface all the way.

Is this a PD trait?  Is this a sociopath trait?  Did he do this to keep from anyone looking too closely at him?  I wonder about this often.

Now I second guess all that I do and wonder if I am lashing out against the decades of "don't look at me" when I volunteer for a political campaign or think about living a lifestyle that is different or out of the norm of the suburban mom.  I keep looking at condos in Florida and dream of living there - and wonder if that is what I am supposed to do.  When deep down, and it's scary, I want to camp my way across the US full time.  This flea is fueling my anxiety - trying to shake it but at night those anxious thoughts do wonder.

And under it all, when I look at my ex's charm, boy-next-door gosh I'm a nice guy, poor pitiful me who raised an autistic son and an ex wife with cancer, martyrdom, is there a level of sociopath in him?  Did I miss it?  How did I live with it?

Or is this part of his OCPD - control and perfection outside and in.  Part of how he controlled us.

So back to my original question.  Is being like the wind a trait?  And if so, of what?

[Cat of the Canals]

Some of this definitely rings true with my mother (unBPD/unNPD).

Don't have friends over: in elementary school, most of my friends had sleepovers regularly, sometimes with multiple people. Yet I can remember a SINGLE instance when I was allowed to have ONE friend sleep over. And in that case it was my next door neighbor who was practically like a sister to me and was at our house all the time (she had NO boundaries, really), so it almost didn't count and seems especially odd that there was only that one time, now that I think about it. Likewise, I only remembering staying over at her house on a special occasion (her birthday). This rule loosened up a *tiny bit* in middle school, but even then, I can remember multiple arguments stemming from my mom not allowing me to stay the night at a friend's house for no real reason other than she wanted to control me/didn't want me out of her sight. 

Don't stand up for yourself:  I was bullied mercilessly by another neighborhood girl. Instead of telling me to stand up for myself, my mother essentially told me to try to be nicer and maybe then she'd be nice to me. 

Politics, though... she was fine being political. Judging people for differing opinions. She once tried to bribe me to vote for her candidate when she found out I was voting third party. And when I refused, she went around telling people I was crazy and asked my brother if I'd been brainwashed. 

It sounds in your ex's case like he was very intent on controlling the perception of himself and your family. If he always stays in the lines, he can't ever be criticized. If he doesn't allow outsiders in, they can't pass judgment or talk about him behind his back. It's funny, because it doesn't even seem like he's aiming for perfection here - he just doesn't want to allow anyone close enough that they might see the imperfections, if that makes sense...

I think camping across the US sounds amazing! I have a friend that did that: sold everything and roamed around in a camper. She loved it, but after a few years, she and her family settled back down in a tiny house in her home state. Is the part that scares you that you feel like you'd be embracing that "like the wind" aspect of roaming? Or is it that it's too "outside of the box" and thus would be against the rules (his rules), because people would *wonder* what you were thinking?

[JustKeepTrying]

Part of this coming Out of the FOG is trying to understand my own boundaries.  Despite my trying to establish them over the years of my marriage, they were in essence non-existent.  I guess asking the question is this is a common behavior - which it sounds like it is - is trying to determine do I want this for myself.  This flea I appear to have picked up.  I don't think so. 

It's nice to read that someone else has experienced this.  I wasn't sure how to categorize it except for an extreme need for control.  I think you are right about his not wanting anyone to see the imperfections.  Any imperfections - in appearance, home, wife, kids.  I hated going to school events.  I couldn't talk to anyone out of fear that I would say something inappropriate in his eyes.  Same for social events.  He obsessed over the lawn and it's perfection.  Days and weeks on Christmas lights.  But very little inside.  He didn't care about the inside.  I had a small dark kitchen and over the twenty years living there I begged for a redo - came up with plan even for just a little money.  Nope.  But we could spend bucks on the patio that opened to the neighbors yards.  Ugh.

I am so sorry about the bully.  To not have parental support is soul crushing. 

I think I am most afraid of what will people think.  It's is so far from anyone's experience.  So different.  Yet my soul is yearning for it.  Like a real need to move and explore.  My kids are grown and gone (or will be in a few months). I have only a handful of friends here.  Like less than five.  and I hate the weather.  With your post,, I can see that it is a flea and I should be brave enough to follow my dreams.  Thank you

[Lauren17]

My H is undiagnosed. Maybe BPD, maybe covert narc, definitely avoidant.
What you describe is very much our life. The last time we had friends over to dinner was almost 20 years ago. We have no couples friends now. And he has no friends at all. My kids do have sleepovers, but rarely. Neighborhood get togethers? No. Don't stand up for yourself it's a theme here too.
The inside of our house is my responsibility the outside is his. That means the inside is clean and tidy, he keeps the lawn just enough that the HOA won't send a letter. Upgrades or house maintenance really aren't allowed.
I had a serviceman in a few weeks ago for a minor but much needed repair. H was extra snarly and hid in his room. Reading another post here this week helped me realize that was an anxiety response. Which may be why we rarely have anything done on the house.
Anyhow, I think "being like the wind" is a defensive response. They don't want anyone to really see them.
When I first started Out of the FOG, I saw a suggestion for a journal activity.
Spend 5 -10 minutes listing. I want...,,
Spend 5 - 10 ministers listing. I need..,
Then figure out how to make it happen.
Easier said than fine, I know. But I say, if you want to camp across the country, go for it!

[Cat of the Canals]

I think I am most afraid of what will people think.  It's is so far from anyone's experience.  So different.  Yet my soul is yearning for it.  Like a real need to move and explore.  My kids are grown and gone (or will be in a few months). I have only a handful of friends here.  Like less than five.  and I hate the weather.  With your post,, I can see that it is a flea and I should be brave enough to follow my dreams.  Thank you

For years I wanted to move away from my home state but the thing that held me back was what my unPD mother would say and think. Anytime I thought about how exciting it would be to live somewhere else, a voice in my said, "You can't do that." But I had a health scare a few years back that really put things in perspective for me and my husband, and we decided we couldn't go the rest of our lives making decisions based on fear and guilt. So we did it. Packed up and moved 1300 miles away from our [damaged] FOOs. My mother reacted about as poorly as anticipated, but all it really did was reaffirm my need to live my life for me.

Will some people judge your decision? Probably. Does it matter? Not at all. You aren't asking them to travel around with you, so why does their opinion matter?

[tommom]

JustKeepTrying. I had polar opposites for parents- a toxic, narc mother with uBPD - "at least" one of my therapists said once. She would NEVER let me do anything I wanted to, unless my father (a wonderful, kind and empathetic man) got involved.

I left college after three years. Yep. I was completely miserable, in a major SHE chose, banging my head against the wall (not really, of course) seeing clearly it would NOT take me where I wanted to go. I was miserable. I finally broke down on the phone to my dad (mother not there) and he told me to tell him what was wrong. All came out and he said this" "If you don't do what you feel you need to do, you may look back on your life with regrets. That's not a good thing. Is it right? Will it make you happy? You can only know by doing it."

My advice is...do what you feel you are led to do. It may be wrong, but how will you know otherwise?

BTW. my dad told me that night that he left college (just like his daughter did ) to play baseball. I knew about the baseball, but not the leaving college. Made it to the major leagues to only discover that wasn't what he wanted. But because he did, he was able to move on to something that was much more fulfulling. Something that was hIs true calling and that made his extremely happy. That's just what  everyone deserves.

Only you can choose for you. How could another person know you well enough to make your life's decisions?

Good luck!!

[1footouttadefog]

Avoidance of people knowing the real them takes many forms.  I think keeping the insodenof house messy while presenting outside perfection to the world is a kind of being passive aggresive to those who live with him for knowing the real him as well as self punishment.

Re camping and condo.  Is it possible to rent a condo for a month to see it it suits you, then take an extended camping trips or a series of trips.

Testing it out and seeing how you feel in that location before taking the final plunge might help remove anxiety.