Waiting to have The Talk until I recover from surgery

[Think-Albatross-740]

First time poster here. I'm 46/M married to a 50/F uNPD who has the covert flavor of narcissism seasoned with a dash of hoarding compulsion. We have a 9/F kiddo. I'm in individual counseling, and am recently taking Lexapro which is working wonders for my depression. My wife refuses to do counseling, says she needs to prioritize getting her physical problems looked after -- she has chronic pain from sciatica and maybe a connective tissue problem, something like Ehlers-Danlos. But, she hasn't done anything to see a physical doctor either. She talks about it pretty often but has yet to make any appointments. Soon after I started therapy and asked her to do the same, she said I was "getting uppity" and "you think you're the perfect parent now that you're in therapy".

So I'm about 85% sure now that my decision is to leave. I haven't had that talk with her yet. Part of the reason is that I have a big surgery in mid-April that will take at least 2 months to recover from, during which time I won't be able to do regular chores or much of anything physical. My plan is to recover from the surgery and only then have The Big Talk with her -- probably after consulting some lawyers so I have legal representation ready to go as soon as possible after The Talk.

The thing is I feel really guilty about this plan of action. I know it's necessary because I fully expect her reaction to my leaving is going to be explosive and toxic. I don't think I'm in any physical danger from her but she's verbally extremely nasty, often in front of the kid, and I expect a lot of that in the aftermath. Even given all that and knowing it's the right thing to do, I feel like a shit not giving her more advance warning or chances to improve herself.

Has anyone else had a similar situation? What did you do?

[Starboard Song]

I think you are conflating a couple issues.

1. Advance Warning
2. Chance to Improve Herself
3. Honesty during this period of need

1. We never give advance warning to someone who (1) we live with, and (2) whose reponse may be explosive and dangerous. There are these special time. All the time, here, we advise members who must leave a somewhat dangerous home environment to have an escape plan. I know spouse's who arranged attorneys and movers and the whole bit, and disappeared with the furniture between 10am and noon. When necessary for everyone's safety, this is the right thing to do.

2. Chance to Improve. That's fair. We all seek to preserve marriages while we can, especially when a child is involved. If you do not believe you've expended the effort yet, you ought to. Establish your own boundaries. You can ask her to seek counselling. You can explain your needs and assure her of your committment to resolving the current problems. If you don't feel you've made a sufficient effort at such things, and feel they have any chance of success, then by all means, do explore those routes. When we've done all we can, and there is no further likelihood of success, then you are back to the hard decision of what is right for you and your kiddo.

3. Honesty. You didn't mention this, but it was implied. It feels a little underhanded to stay quiet during a time of your own need, and then leave. I get it, and that is a very kind sentiment. But you didn't manufacture this situation. It came to you as is. Your job is to do your level best for the household, and that may very well mean staying mum until you are recovered enough to hit the road, if that is what needs doing.

See? I totally failed to suggest any course of action. Indeed, I only licensed you to feel innocent whatever you do. And that is the point. Please feel empowered to consider all relevant interests. Determine a course with the best likelihood of success. If that course requires you to leave, take all reasonable precautions for you and the kiddo, like lawyering up and -- if necessary -- acting without notice. These situations are ugly, no way around it, so focus not on the now, or soon, but on a plausible goal for the future. Make sure you can live with it, and give it your best.

Be good. Be strong.

[Lauren17]

Hi Think and welcome!
You'll find good information and understanding here from people with shared experiences.

I just had a similar discussion with my T about when to have The Talk. She pointed out that divorce is time limited. Once you file, you have x number of days to complete such and such a form. She also said that divorce takes a lot of energy.  Something to consider as you weigh your options.
Hoping you heal quickly.

[square]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting to do something until you can do it. It's physics, really.

If waiting is the thing that makes you selfish, then filing now would surely be so much better for your wife. ... Oh wait, that's not the case?

PDs use ANYTHING they can use as a weapon against you. It doesn't matter if it's true or logical. And we hear it so much, it's programmed into our heads. So I am guessing this is why you are unsure if it's "fair" to wait until you've recovered. Because even if waiting carries zero disadvantage for her (and in fact some advantage), the fact that it carries any advantage for you (even if not to her disadvantage) will be weaponized against you, rhetorically.

PDs think any help to anyone but themselves is unfair.

Well, it doesn't make it so.

She's not going to take it well no matter the circumstance. Will she accuse you of nefarious motives in waiting until you can leave, to leave? No doubt. If the surgery wasn't happening she would accuse you of something else. So your own conscience is clear, ask yourself what would happen if you left today. How would she be better off than waiting until summer? Yeah, there's no difference, really.

[ChillNow]

I wish you all the best with your surgery.

I've  given your post some thought and it seems to be a matter of your conscience in your new life if she is not given a specific chance to improve.

Some people can move on for the reason that their spouse wasn't good for them without their conscience bothering them.  {Zero judgment implied.}

Others who may have certain religious beliefs feel that it should be more of a last resort.  In that case an absolute demand for continuous individual counseling for her may be the way to go.

Do you feel there is a reasonable chance she could/would work on herself if she clearly understood that the marriage was definitely on the line?

Or, do you feel within yourself that your marital feelings for her have already died and couldn't be resuscitated anyway?

In your new life you'll want to feel really free of her.  To feel that it was necessary.  What does that look like for you?

When things with my ex had reached a certain level, and I sensed that I was going to go down if his behaviors didn't improve very soon, I wrote him a letter stating that if he wanted to save this marriage he had exactly one week to schedule a consultation with a professional.  Then I completely handed the matter over to God and prayed intensely during that week.  I was lucky to have three family members pray along with me.  He didn't make an appointment and I have been gone for 15 months.  The separation agreement was signed after one year apart.  I am 100% sure about the decision.

However, I appreciate what another poster just noted: divorce takes a lot of energy.  It is still taking a lot of energy for me due to a laborious process of having to liquidate many individual assets.  Earlier on it was more emotional due to his shameless guilt-tripping and manipulation attempts.  It has periodically significantly affected my professional life.

What can you do NOW to prepare in terms of finances/documents, legally and professionally?  Regardless of whether you begin real preparations before the surgery, you will need to summon a fair amount of energy for the divorce process.  Due to my ex resisting the process, we needed SIX collaborative law sessions, all during working hours.

For me it has been worth it.  Best wishes. Glad you found this Forum!