New Stage to the Healing Process

[Hepatica]

Today I had to go out into the world and get some blood tests.

For the first time I was hyper-aware of my reactions to everything. I think this comes from my mindfulness meditation practice.

For instance, the nurse had a very strong voice and I felt irritated by it. I sat with that while I waited and realized she spoke in a way (a bit of a dialect/accent) that sounded like someone who really hurt me at work years ago.  On the radio some old Aerosmith song came on and again I felt almost sick and I was like, why? I tried to sit with it and see what it was and I was straight back to high school and the incessant bullying culture that went along with this kind of music by the guys in high school. And then the nurse came in and right away I noticed myself become really nice and cheerful. I swear it was like I was in my body and outside of my body analyzing everything, wondering why am I such an overt people pleaser? What is this all about?

All of this happened in less than ten minutes and I think it comes from pain that I experienced in my life. Before it would have happened and I would have walked out feeling off and weird but not quite knowing why.

This must be from trauma. I felt like I had no skin! Like I'd have to do desensitization therapy to join the world! So many thing still overwhelm me and I always thought to myself, I'm really overly sensitive, but each and every thing in that clinic was related to something that I could draw a line to from the past, that had hurt a lot.

So instead of just walking around in a grumpy mood I decided to give myself compassion and to realize that my body does really keep score and I can heal this. But the awareness of it is very new.

Wondering if any of you relate or have any thoughts?

[JustKeepTrying]

I am impressed.  To be so in tune is impressive.

Since I left and had time to myself and time to process, I notice now my emotions and reactions easier.  I am much more in tune with myself than before.  I'm not walking around like a automaton.  I am more aware of the triggers and when they come, I can identify the cause and feel the effect.

People pleasing - that skill I learned to be cheerful when being torn down.  That eggshell walking and hopeful acting on a moment to moment basis just for the hope of a hint of smile.  Yup.  Still do that and I admire anyone who doesn't.  Not the perpetual grouchy people - but the people who are calm and can reply back quickly and directly piercing the moment.  I want to grow up to them some day.

After a trigger, like a smell or sound that spirals me, I too feel like my skin is sizzling and chest is tight and my senses are alert - that Bambi effect where I want to run off to the woods now.  But those are coming less frequently the more time passes.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Hepatica

Yes, I have had these days too. I believe it is part of our healing process. There are times when we are feeling a lot and then I find these busy loud social places are not where I can be for very long before I need to get somewhere quiet again.

It took me a while to honor this as legitimate and to take steps to be good to myself. For example pre therapy being able to run errands for 4 hours and go to stores and rush around for appointments. Now a days that results in me feeling completely wiped out! I do maybe 2 errands and then home where it is quieter again.

We live in a loud world! Most people have acclimated to tuning out the aerosmith song!! but in doing that so well they also tune out a lot of information about how they are actually feeling and then lo and behold they are feeling "off" but don't know why. Like you said.

This amount of self awareness and tuning in to self that you possess is a gift but it takes a while to feel it as such. Mostly we get told by others that we are "too sensitive".

Often we are told this by the same people who then turn to us for empathy when they want someone to be sensitive towards them. Because unlike the more tuned out people they know, we are the ones who pick up on how we are feeling and how they seem to be feeling. So here we are, on the one hand being told not to be so sensitive and then being sought out for our empathy by people. I don't think they understand the irony there.

Those experiences leave us feeling devalued for being who we are. And who we are is really really beautiful!

Have you read anything about HSP? Highly sensitive people? It helped me to understand that this really is a strength.

Thanks for posting about your experience in going out that day. It helped me remember this part of the recovery work.

Trees

[blues_cruise]

Yes, I very much relate to this and it is indeed an awareness that comes with mindfulness meditation. When you can trace the triggers back to the memory source, as you have been doing, I think it can help provide a better understanding of where self care is needed. It helps with emotional resilience too. In a safe enough situation rather than automatically jumping to the thought of "Oh no, I feel scared so there must be something terribly wrong" when the amygdala is triggered, I think you can instead learn to sit with the emotional flashback, acknowledge your fear and aim to self soothe and work towards resolving it. These trauma memories get stored in the body in the present day because back when the abuse was ongoing it wasn't safe enough to process them, so you end up with a backlog of things to unpick and work through as they come up.

I'm also hypervigilant of my surroundings and I'm trying to learn to be compassionate with myself about it, plus make a better attempt to surround myself with people who can also be compassionate and non judgemental of my trauma responses (have recently come to the conclusion that my current workplace has been deeply damaging in this regard as I have been mocked by people there for having a hypersensitive nervous system beyond my control).  These are survival mechanisms left over from when I was a child/teenager and there are triggers absolutely everywhere. For example, today my surroundings are peaceful: the sun is out, the sky is blue, the birds are singing and there's a calm stillness in the air. Frustratingly this is a trigger because my amygdala is on alert waiting for the other shoe to drop: for my father to storm through the front door in a rage shouting at me for some minor or imagined slight. As I type that out I'm now aware of a pang of anger at this past injustice and abuse, which is also important to acknowledge as anger can be such a protective tool for healing and cultivating boundaries if processed healthily. Without recognising these things I would probably unconsciously distract myself with something unhealthy like junk food or alcohol in an attempt to avoid the uncomfortable feeling.

I highly recommend checking out Eckhart Tolle's videos on YouTube about remaining present and curious about your feelings, I've found snippets from his talks to be very grounding and comforting.