The centrality of blame

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Blame (deflection, really) is of course a standard part of the PD defense. With my H, I had been seeing it as just another tactic in the PD arsenal.

I did eventually notice it was his primary preoccupation. If any (ANY) stressor occurs, he is fixated on figuring out who can be blamed and how he make that blame stick - before he has the slightest interest in moving on to how the problem can be resolved (if he in fact has any interest in that at all).

He does of course have that core wound from childhood. I noticed recently that the wound may be fundamentally about blame. He believes he is to blame for the trauma and abandonment he suffered as a child.

Not only could a child, in their limited minds, conclude on their own that it was their fault. My H told me of some statements his father made that specifically placed the responsibility on him for violence that his father committed. And his father also made statements when he abandoned H as a teen that placed the blame on H.

The oddity of PD is that there is shame and not guilt. In other words, H doesn't think anything is his fault - at least not when he feels threatened. (He MIGHT admit some fault later - but there are real oddities to what he might admit to). But he does feel shame, that he is fundamentally broken and flawed.

It's malfunctional because there is nothing he can do about the shame - he can't be somebody else. If he felt guilt about his behavior, he could make amends and avoid the behavior in the future. Guilt could be useful if acted upon, shame is just an emotional death sentence.

I can see how, if H's mental ledger is already overfull of blame for major, traumatic wrongs, he will fight to the death to avoid adding another line of debit, even for the most minor of offenses.

I have asked him if he could see how he was not at fault for the wrongs done to him as a child, even if just at an intellectual level. He could sort of see one category, but not the abandonment. When I tell him he was not at fault for the abandonment, I can literally see the short circuit on his face. He can't, he can't, he can't.

[notrightinthehead]

How well I remember the blame game!  Anything gone wrong NPDh would create a police investigation and would not stop until one of us, either me or the kids were in tears and admitted our guilt. Then we would be shamed for a while and eventually he was satisfied and calmed down.
He had a crappy childhood yes, but I still think he was totally responsible for what he did to the kids and me. Ultimately not everyone who was abused as a child becomes an abuser.

[IcedCoffee]

My uBPDw has recently started talking about the shame she feels. All the time. Not embarrassment (e.g. what you might feel after a company party if you'd had too much to drink). Not ashamed (like if you'd stolen some sweets from a shop as a teenager). Not guilt (like it was your fault that something bad happened to someone). But shame. And it's shame about everything, like she's totally inadequate at everything, impostor syndrome, and everyone hates her.

However, it doesn't stop her blaming everyone else for everything bad!

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Sorry, I definitely didn't mean to imply that there is any excuse for toxic PD behavior.

[1footouttadefog]

I have stated here many times over the years that I am convinced that a majority of PD people have deep wounds in their core being related to feelings of inadequacy, shame, quilt, and other related emotions.

The false self is all about protecting that inner core.  Its easy to read about, but living with someone who operates to prop up a false self,  as most of us do, makes it real to us in ways a book cannot. 

I think that with many these feelings are real, raw and in the present just as fresh as if the memories and events related to them just occured. When triggered, the response is often disproportionate to the trigger because they are responding in the here and now to an old wound that has never healed by time and distance.

I had a friend who was a extreme trauma victim.  We discussed alot over the years.
I can remember he had an issue related to blankets and bedding.  I remembr he had a dream that caused him to think about and through a childhood event related to blankets.  He processed it and we discussed how his anxiety over that issue was greatly reduced and the emotions were afterwards distant instead of fresh open wounds.  I pointed out that therapy could help him process other things as well and that bit by bit he could unload some burdens he carried.

My pd had shame and guilt.  Triggering the guilt always leads to anger. If he is real angry I know immediately he is guilty if something. 

The shame aspect shows up when I hear him trashing others or acting jealous.

[LemonLime]

I'd never thought of this  before.....shame but no guilt.
But it makes a ton of sense in relation to my PD.  Thanks for that connection!

And yes, I've always noticed how in every instance of something "bad" happening, my PD must have someone or something to blame.  Never is something simply bad luck, or an act of god, or whatever.  There is a person or thing to BLAME.    So she must find that thing and punish it.  Hint: it will never be her who is in the wrong.   So it will likely be the person who is closest to her either emotionally or physically.

So, that's why we can't get along.  If there is always someone to blame for everything, it's a no-win situation.   I don't see the world the same way she does.   Stuff happens, and it's most important to look FORWARD, rather than backwards.  And that is the fundamental difference......dealing with reality and doing problem-solving, versus living in the past in a world where the PD is always the victim.

I've thought so much about this because my PD would like me to believe I am some sort of a monster.   For things that my T has had to convince me are normal sibling relationship issues.   Was I petty and inconsiderate sometimes as a younger sib?  Yes.   Was I annoying when I wanted to hang out with her and her friends?  Yes.   Did I become sort of distant because I always felt she didn't like me?   Yes.    Did mom seem more calm and relaxed around me because I didn't have rages like sib did?  Probably (although none of that is my fault).    Did I go on to lead a more conventionally "successful" life than sib did?  Many would say yes.   

But T had to convince me that these are not crimes against humanity.  They are normal sibling interactions, and some of them don't even involve me.  I can't control if mom preferred my company to sib's.   It's not my fault.  I didn't rub it in sib's face and in fact didn't even know what to do about it.   Am I to have been expected to educate and counsel my mom about PD characteristics and to convince mom to be more understanding of my sib's rages?  As a child?  For Pete's sake.  I withdrew from the situation because I didn't want to add to the awkwardness of our home.  So I left home and made my own way in the world.   I shouldn't have to apologize for that.

I'm willing to look forward and forge a new relationship with PD, forgiving and forgetting the past.   In my view,  she has a lot more in her past that needs forgiving than I do.   But why can't we just move on?   I'm not interested in punishing her for her past behavior, rages or whatever.  I'm willing to move forward, but not unless she recognizes that rages are not acceptable to me.   And of course if I clarify that to her, she will lose it and rage again.

Ugh!   Sorry, hope I didn't hijack the thread, didn't mean to.  Guess I needed to vent. 

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There is an issue going on that I won't get into but it has H upset. A longer-term and complex issue.

Yesterday he brought it up again, and at some point was expressing regret for a decision he made five years ago that he felt led directly to the issue. I admit a case could be made for that but the issue could have happened anyway and we just can't know, and I said that. He kept pressing his point and I got frustrated and asked why it mattered - I think everything will turn out okay eventually and there's nothing we can do about it, and I'm happy with his decision despite the issue, and he could not have predicted it at all.

And he said it mattered because he might be to blame.

UGHHH.

I don't even think about blame with this. The issue just is. It just is.

He originally tried to blame me, in a fit of emotion, but the case for that is so absurd that even his pd mind couldn't make it stick. He has been blaming people outside our family pretty hard and it has strained things a fair amount. These people are going through the same issue, they are in the same boat, they could blame us just as much.

And here is the real issue. He is afraid it's his fault.

IT'S JUST FRICKIN LIFE.

The case for it being his fault is about as thin as the case for it being my fault. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SOMEBODY'S FAULT??

[ICantThinkOfAName]

Yeah I don't understand it but I can relate!  There was an incident where an appliance was showing signs of standard wear and tear.  My uOCPDh said that the only possible cause of this was my D and that it was blatant destruction of our property.  Because she was the only one here at the time when it happened.  I suggested that it was normal wear and tear and he thought I was defending her.  My D later commented on the wear and tear asking what happened there?  There was no amount of talking or anything that would convince him otherwise.  He also has a lot of shame and he takes it out on us with his judgmental attitude.  He just assumes that everyone has a bad agenda and lies.  Like we are purposefully out to get him.  I have thought a lot about this and I know that what he thinks about others is often a projection of himself.  If he thinks everyone has a bad agenda a lies, it's because he does too.  So maybe the need to blame comes from their own need to be accountable?  That's hard to wrap my head around.  But with shame/no guilt thing you can't hold yourself accountable because you don't forgive yourself or do anything to release it.  Like take actions to stop hurting others.  Or basically take a look inside or outside to see what you might be responsible for.  There always has to be blame assigned.  Unassigned blame could get back to you.  And they can't have blame, cause then they have to change something.

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My pd had shame and guilt.  Triggering the guilt always leads to anger. If he is real angry I know immediately he is guilty if something. 

The shame aspect shows up when I hear him trashing others or acting jealous.

I said before my H has shame but no guilt. But on rereading the above, yeah, I guess he does have guilt. But the guilt is converted instantly and strongly to anger. And he copes by trying to cast the blame away.

He doesn't do a lot of putting others down, but there is one category of people he does, which I've perceived as envy. Interesting to connect that to shame in particular - yes, makes sense. Coping by bringing them down.