Difficulty articulating my experiences

[Free2Bme]

Hi,  I am feeling stuck and a little discouraged.

Although I am normally extroverted, articulate, clear-minded and able to express my feelings and experiences in a cogent manner, I get scrambled when talking about things that happened in my marriage.  For example,  I can talk about a particular event (like a snapshot in time), but cannot seem to be succinct in describing thing as a whole.

I often feel like I have to 'prove' the event happened, like entering evidence, and if I get the sense that I cannot prove it, I fear I won't be believed, then I shut down.  Sometimes,  I end up backtracking and I come across as tangential, and then feel self conscious and annoying.  I suspect this stems from the extreme gaslighting I experienced form xH, or the effects of events after divorce ie., smear campaign, flying monkeys, etc.   Maybe it's an  'inner critic' issue?

I'm trying to talk with T about this, but it's uncomfortable.

How can one trust their perception of experience? 

Ugh.... today feels like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.

[Cat of the Canals]

I was just reading an excerpt from "But It's Your Family..." by Sherrie Campbell, and she describes this exact phenomenon. (The book centers on abuse from parents, but I think the general crazy-making feelings that come from emotional abuse apply to any situation.)

"When we try and explain our fears of love, life and people to others, we tend to come off sounding needy, desperate and paranoid. This is because psychological abuse is not equipped with a clear set of descriptive indicators that our toxic family members find undeniably true. Consequently, to them at least, we can rarely if ever prove what has happened to us. All of the descriptors are subjective and therefore debatable, just as our  toxic family members need for them to be.

Because emotional abuse is impossible to prove, we often have an incredibly difficult time putting into words what exactly has happened to us that is so bad. We know things were not or are not normal, but we don't know why. Emotional abuse moves quickly. Just as we're about to put our finger on it, it seems to slip away."

More here: https://www.rewire.org/heal-toxic-family-relationship/

I think trusting your perception is something you learn to do. We are all equipped with a range of emotions that are designed to give us signals based on the situations we are in. If you feel scared or angry or sad, chances are, something made you feel that way. But gaslighting is designed to either tell you that you aren't feeling what you're feeling or that the event/behavior that led to you feeling this way didn't happen or didn't happen the way you say it did or maybe it did happen but you're overreacting/too sensitive and need to get over it.

So yeah, I think being subjected to gaslighting of any kind leads to us doubting our own perception. But chances are, somewhere deep down, you know how you really felt, even when someone was telling you that you were wrong/crazy/etc.

When you're remembering one of these events, do you get a feeling with it? If I remember times that my unPD mother was raging when I was a child, I can still remember feeling scared and confused, even though the years of FOG had led me to "explain away" her behavior. I think reconnecting with those feelings helps quell the doubt.

[SparkStillLit]

I feel just like this, too. Like I have to "prove" it. My T is really good with believing me, helping me name it, and naming my feelings.
Outside of therapy though? Forget it. Only here do I feel heard or believed.

[DistanceNotDefense]

In the Body Keeps Score by Van Der Kolk (about PTSD), he also says that remembering a traumatic memory of any kind activates and takes us to a part of the brain where language stops functioning. That's why so many of us, and the patients he worked with, sit in silent anger, fear, or confusion without speaking for long periods of time and can't find the words to describe what we faced. It literally shuts off our language center and leaves us suspended in emotion.

Reading this part of the book, any doubt that I had PTSD vanished. Too many times I sit there trying to fight through this flood of feeling trying to describe it, especially every time I've confronted family members, and I can't. I'm usually just in tears.

[Free2Bme]

Cat of the Canals, 
Thank you for the resource and the insight.  As I read the article, I think of my children.  I'm not sure which is harder, trying to sort this out for myself or seeing the impact upon my young adult children. 

When I pause to connect the feeling with the memory, it is fear and confusion at my core, and embarrassment that I allowed myself to get into that mess.

It is really helpful to hear others describe this experience as well. 

[Free2Bme]

Hey Spark,

I hear you... I have proven that people really don't get it when you talk about this stuff, not going down that road again   

I'm glad that you have a T that is helpful with this.

[Free2Bme]

DistanceNotDefense,

I have "The Body Keeps the Score" on my nightstand but haven't started it yet.  What you said makes sense about language being inhibited because of the proximity to the trauma memory.  This is both interesting and sad.

Now that you mention this, I remember my first job in high school was at a little family owned store.  There was a local lady that came in frequently with her teen daughter.  The daughter always spoke for her mother at checkout.   My boss explained to me that the mother had been in an abusive marriage and was so traumatized that she lost her ability to speak.  She was mute without a physiologic cause. 

I appreciate the reminder about this book, I will be reading it soon. 

[SparkStillLit]

YIKES!!! I have often thought of quitting speaking!!!! These are my depressive scenarios. I do not have suicidal ideations (I have all 19 other markers). Stopping speaking is how I erase myself.
I also watch my YA, and I think that she has PTSD and not a PD. I know what she has gone through that she does not speak of. Sometimes I don't think she realizes it or can name it. I never could. I think she freezes and cries, and they call her bipolar or bpd and don't have all the information.