Vacation drama

[Pepin]

DH wants to plan a vacation during Xmas.  Seems reasonable.  We don't technically have to be at home to celebrate anymore as the kids are older.

The problem though is that the last trip we took, DH threw a tantrum.  He scared our kids and nearly abandoned them and me.  The kids and I cried and were devastated.  Essentially he flipped out because they were tired....but really, it was that DH was processing some news about PDmil's health and he was too far away to do anything about it - because I am married to the designated caretaker GC son.  He took his frustration out on us.

Over the years DH has realized that holidays with his mother creates too much tension.  The kids detest her and obviously I am not fond of her as well because of her relationship she has with my husband.  She is a thorn in my side -- DH is not innocent however.  But, I see that sometimes he is trying to better himself. 

I think he knows that in order to avoid drama, we have to leave during the holidays.  But, the teens don't like going on vacation anymore because they feel trapped.  They don't have anywhere to go and decompress when we are all together.  DH also has a hard time relaxing....he wants to be Mr. Tourist -- and I think he acts like this because he didn't travel anywhere when he was younger -- like not even the town next door.  Yeah.  No exploration of anything including the city he was raised in.  So I understand his need to want to see things when traveling vs. relaxing.  As for the teens, yeah, they want to relax.

DH offered to have them stay home while he and I travelled and the teens gave no response....which means they don't like that idea either.

I think what the teens want....and what I would like is to for once, celebrate holidays without PDmil.  Just because we are home, doesn't mean we have too see her or "entertain" her.  This is clearly a DH problem which is why I post it here.  He is unable to set boundaries with her.  And every time I try and open my mouth, I'm the bad guy.  His relationship with her has caused me to set boundaries with him and it makes me sick.  I have to set GD boundaries with my own husband because he can't stand up to mommy.  I am telling you, I am really getting sick of this.  I really thought I married a good man; a strong and protective man.  But, it is clear this far into my marriage, that I married a pretty weak man. 

Going forward I want to be truthful with DH but I struggle to formulate the words in a way that is neutral.  I want to say: DH, we want to stay home for the holidays and celebrate the holidays just as a family.  Our family.  But, he will immediately take offense to this and come up with 82,000 excuses for his mother.  She's alone, family gathers at holidays, we set aside differences this time of year, she doesn't have anyone else, she doesn't want to be with anyone else, she doesn't want to go to X's house, it is just a holiday, it is just a few hours, she's a widow, this is what she wants, she doesn't know any better, etc. etc.  You get my drift.

I think the solution is to take a relaxing vacation somewhere....but DH isn't to be trusted after his behavior last time.  How do I talk to him about this? 

[1footouttadefog]

My pd ruined vacations and Holidays for ever.  Then I finally got the courage to say no more. 

For us it was his anxiety setting in on the third day of a week vacation and anxiety over interactions with relatives etc.

We started taking overnight or two night trips woth him tuat catered to him tuen taking another trip just the kids and me.

He liked this actually because the short trips were centered around him for the most part.  The kids (teens)would get to go zipplining and shopping or go carts while he and I shopped at a neighboring building(s).

For a holiday, You might consider a couple nights at a resort.  They usually have a nice dinner and some activities planned, and some have indoor pools and fitness centers  and such.  Many are located near tourist areas, beaches, and such so there could be a little Mr. Tourist included.

Avoiding a dreaded holiday with relatives is a good thing for the health if the family. Looking back wish I had separated us from some of the family engagements so keep jolidaus from being messed up for the kids.

[Pepin]

Avoiding a dreaded holiday with relatives is a good thing for the health of the family. Looking back wish I had separated us from some of the family engagements so keep holidaus from being messed up for the kids.

Yeah...this is where I am at.  The kids are just sick of holidays when they know PDmil will be involved...because holidays are never about the actual holiday no matter how hard we try!  That being said though, I think we did a pretty good job last Thanksgiving even though she was with us.  In turn, while she was invited for Xmas, she declined - because Thanksgiving didn't go her way.  It was just that she wanted attention and we couldn't give her what she wanted since we were focused on prepping and serving a meal.

It makes me so upset that over the years DH and I have always been the default for her (and FIL when he was alive).  I often think about how things will be when my kids are no longer living with us.  Will I actually only spend holidays with one of them only?  Or will I rotate?  Or will we make an effort to somehow spend time with our kids equally at every holiday -- or will we just let them be and do our own thing because heaven forbid that we have to be with them for every single thing...  I am all about being equal and fair.  Over the years I've only been able to celebrate a handful of times with my own FOO.  The older I get, the louder the voice inside me is calling to my siblings and where I grew up.  I have felt that it is very unfair having to be so far away for so long just to appease DH during his caretaking years with PDmil.  DH has other siblings that can help -- it is just that they don't want to.  DH and I deserve a break.  Our family deserves a break without stressing over who is going to care for PDmil.  Ugh.  I wish she would move into AL so we could be done with these dumb games!

[Call Me Cordelia]

How did Christmas go without MIL? You've probably shared but I don't remember.

DH and I deserve a break.  Our family deserves a break without stressing over who is going to care for PDmil.

This is so true. But it sounds like your DH doesn't really believe it. You can say what would work for you, be that going away, visiting your FOO, whatever. If spending it with MIL is a hard no, you have the right to that. If he insists on spending every holiday with her despite everyone else's feelings on the matter... well that sucks for him. And for all of you. But after reading your posts for a while, I get the sense that your DH like many enablers follows the path of least resistance. He simply fears the consequences of disappointing his mother more than the consequences of disappointing you and the girls. He possibly doesn't even fathom that he gets a choice at all. That doesn't mean he isn't making a choice. But the language that even PDs understand is consequences. If you x, I will y. I will no longer spend Christmas with MIL. If you choose to, we will spend the day separately. Or whatever. It's boundaries, and they can be really tough to think clearly on when emotions are so heightened. I think you have a good start with saying what you actually want.

[JustKeepTrying]

Boy, this thread is a trigger for me.  My xOCPDh and my PDmil made every holiday hell.  We would have to go there on her time for hours on end.  Never at our house when the kids were babies and it was a nightmare.  Mother's Day was the day we were to go and worship at her feet.  Forget that it was my day and birthday as well.  Ugh.

We went on one vacation with her and it ended so badly.  Never again I told my x.  I laid that boundary down and we didn't

He could never say no.  Never stood up to her.  My children grew to really dislike her and now spend so little time with her.  I don't feel bad.  At my daughter's wedding she threw so much of a stink and really dampened the entire event. 

I wish I had advice but all I can say is that you don't have to go.  Your kids don't either.  Make arrangements to spend a set amount of time with her on another day and do that instead.  Your husband can go then on the day if he wants.  You all don't have too.  Make a vacation for yourself and the kids and tell your husband that you all are goin there.  He is welcome.  Make a choice.  There will be guilt but don't sweat it.  Normal families do this and it's no big deal.

[GentleSoul]

Gosh, yes a trigger for me too.

I can only offer kind empathy and say  that my late uPD ruined all my holidays, Christmas, birthdays etc.

They do!  They really just do.  Seems part of their dna.