Hi y’all *trigger warning mentions DV*

[CelestialLight]

Hey everyone.

In the interest of being honest, I have BPD, which tends to be introverted. I tend to withdraw when under stress. I can’t even stand confrontation, and will just walk away as soon as I can. I’ve been in therapy for a few years now, and it’s made my life so much easier. I’m rebuilding who I was, and making her better.

It’s been a few years since I got the courage to leave my ex. I’ll refer to him as X in this post.

He had some form of a personality disorder, I can say that for a fact. I’m not entirely sure which one, a friend thinks narcissistic, I lean more towards a different one. Honestly, if it’s possible, he could well have both. He resisted getting help however, the professionals “Didn’t listen”, “were wrong” etc. 

X and I met through study and placement. The story is rather amusing, but also rather specific. We were friends for a bit, but lost contact for a few months. When we met again I was in a low point of my life, and in hindsight he took advantage of that.

I ended up living with him and getting engaged very quickly. He lived with his parents, who to this day I still adore. His mother was a lovely woman, although withdrawn, (TBI) and his father struggled with depression and I suspect ptsd from his workplace. They welcomed me with open arms. I wish I could speak to them to be honest.

Over time, X subtly nudged me away from my family. Thankfully I had a very good friend who stuck by me. My mental health continued to decline, although we didn’t know it was my mental health due to a previous professionals very puzzling misdiagnosis, until I ended up housebound after a two week long panic attack. My GP, who X got me into, was very puzzled by that. He also got me treatment for another condition that was physical, which I had been unsuccessfully trying to get treatment for for a number of years. This particular condition was a main trigger for panic attacks.

Let’s take a pause here shall we. My mental health sucked, I was frustrated in myself, housebound, dealing with constant physical pain...

I was perfect.

It was so easy for him to subtly manipulate me, isolate me, and ingrain himself. He, in hindsight, was acting like my saviour and the only person I needed in the world. He cooked for me, made sure I always had a cuppa, would bring me back gifts. I know now it’s called love bombing.

Other times he’d isolate himself on the computer.

At this time our sex life was ok, I did have a physically painful condition.

At one point, we suspected I’d had a miscarriage. I fell into a deep depression. He said to me, in the coldest tone I’d ever heard from him, that other people had it worse and I should move on.

I’m ashamed to admit I slapped him across the face. It did get me out of bed though. He later told me he’d said it hoping to get some form of action out of me except tears. I did have suspicions, but he cried. That meant he was telling the truth, right?

Heh.

He was overly protective after this.

After a few years, we got married, despite me nearly having a panic attack on the day I put down to nerves, and not “Girl, run the fuck away! Abort mission! Abort mission!”

We got our own place together.

I’m not sure when things went more downhill, but I can tell you it was definitely after moving out of his parents place.

I wasn’t allowed to do housework, but he didn’t do it either. We ended up living in a pigsty which led to me randomly crying, because I couldn’t handle it. I took to curling up on my computer chair and burying myself in fanfiction, or playing games on a tablet that was being pushed so hard it felt like it would burst into flames.

I withdrew from everything, except a friend who went out of his way to make sure I got out of the house, even though it took a lot. I got more comfortable, a surgery had helped my pain, and I took to bike riding. I loved the feel of the wind on my face, the sense of freedom.

My friend still came over and we talked a lot. I didn’t withdraw from her, actually, come to think of it. I didn’t have much contact with family at this stage.

He became obsessed with sex, but my drive had dried up. He, uh, wouldn’t take care of himself, said it felt like cheating on me.

I gave in at one point, he said, and I sadly quote: “I feel like you raped me”.

He started lying about looking after the pets, leading to fights. Any time I tried to calmly explain my feelings about a situation, it was turned around to what he felt. It always ended with everything was my fault. I was a terrible person, and he couldn’t work because he had to look after me, and wanted more money, but had to subsist on the government...

Then came the wanting a kid. He got the sex, but said it felt hollow and mechanical.

We found out I had fertility issues so had to go through treatments for that. Then I ended up in hospital for emergency surgery. The treatments had masked another condition, which required surgery to fix. Bye bye awful sex.

Despite staying home to look after me (ha!), he spent all day playing video games. Headphones on, got annoyed when I asked him anything.

If I asked him if he could clean y thing, it started a fight and how he was going to give up his game, that kept him going, and was I happy.

Like, dude, I asked you to put the dishwasher on later. Chill.

If I tried to do anything, he’d stop me. He’d take brooms out of my hands, because I was apparently not doing it right. Yeah, I know, I didn’t realise there was a wrong way to sweep cat hair.

My depression sucked all enjoyment out of my life. Or maybe it was him... I was his money ticket. My benefits led to him getting benefits.

He controlled all finances. But when we were broke it was my fault. I bought too many things, he didn’t get to buy anything.

Except new games, a 3D printer, new computer parts...

When my computer literally died, I got one that was cheap, and he built. His mysteriously had issues a few weeks later, and we were mysteriously able to afford to spend more on his than mine.

The gaslighting started. I thought I’d lost chunks of memory, and started corroborating events with friends. His versions were vastly different.

I would get sick and have a mild temperature randomly. He’d always be very solicitous, and caring. I have my suspicions about this mystery illness  that’s since never come back.

I started going to a singing group, he’d disparage me about it, despite having sung in his youth.

When my friends visited, he’d always say he didn’t want visitors, I’d tell him it was ok, he could stay in, they’d understand.

He’d come out and dominate all conversation with talk about his game. This made having proper chats with my best friend difficult. Whenever I did have family over, he wouldn’t leave me alone with them.

I took to spending chunks of time with another friend, he accused me of having an affair with him. He was my other best friend.

I’m sorry, I’m trying to be a bit vague. I chose a user name I’ve never used, which is basically pulled from a reference book, on a topic he doesn’t know I’m now into, and I’m trying to give examples of his behaviour without in depth detail, but still informative enough to get the gist across. It’s a fine line, and I’ve been at this for two hours now, getting up and collecting myself.

He decided he was some weird mystical religious person. That’s as detailed as I can get, sadly, not messiah type, but more “I have powers, because I was conceived under an oak tree” kinda stuff.

He caused issues at my sisters wedding, for me only. Just didn’t want to do anything I suggested, and keeping my mood low. Being passive aggressive.

However, he lied about something my uncle said, which I picked up on right away. I just laughed and let it slide. My uncle looks like a rough and tough bikie gang member or something. He’s a softie who adores spending time with his grandkids, has been with the same woman forever, and frequently plays with and cuddles his dog on the floor. He does have a bike, but he just likes riding.

I basically stayed as long as I could handle. I felt trapped. I felt I had nowhere to go. If it wasn’t for my two best friends, I don’t know where I’d be.

I’d gotten my diagnosis, but he insisted on not accompanying me to my treatment appointments, but I needed him there. I couldn’t go alone! My anxiety couldn’t handle the long trip.

Within a year of my sisters wedding, I couldn’t do it anymore. I was going to go insane if I stayed, and I was desperately unhappy.

I took my time, and insisted on being in separate rooms. His snoring was making sleep difficult, and it was the perfect excuse.

I buried myself in reading, and talking online. I made new friends online, who I still talk to today.

I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was doing the grey rock.

I made what was now my room my safe place.

And I ended it.

And he ramped up.

Suddenly everyone was saying I was a slut, according to him. People were saying things about me behind my back but to him, that he needed to control me more.

My singing group reassured me, and were quite angry at him.

He was just... nasty.

I found out later this was the side everyone else saw when my back was turned. No manners, demanding things, being rude, saying horrible things.

Thankfully he moved out after a month.

On the last night he was there, I went to his room to talk to him. I think I wanted closure. I was starting to shiver, so he lifted a blanket on the bed up for me to get under. His room was freezing, like bed had the window open, but he hated the cold.

I tried to talk about important things, what he wanted what he didn’t want, what to do with x y z items.

He wanted none of that. He grabbed me and kissed me. I said no. He kissed me again. I said I didn’t come here for that. He said if I wasn’t going to fuck him, then get out.

So I did.

It’s a testament to how far I’ve since come.

My shaky mental health then fell apart and I had some form of breakdown and tried to commit suicide. I was, obviously, unsuccessful. Just in case you were wondering. I’ve heard having a breakdown after leaving a situation like this isn’t unheard of.

I got help. I moved out. He doesn’t know where I live. It’s been a few years now, and I’ve come a long way. I’m much closer to my family now, I have amazing supportive people around me, and a psychologist who gets my humour.

I’ll also have been dating my girlfriend for a year in June. She’s an absolute rock and a gem, and I can’t wait to see her tonight and give her a big hug. My cat misses her too.

I’m still waiting on the divorce papers.

So, that’s my story.

Tl;dr ex has serious issues, I ditched him and now I’m dating a chick.

Now, on to the lighter stuff.

I play DnD. I also play magic the gathering, and I crochet. I also read a lot, and play games when I can. I’m considered disabled, but am working on that.

I have a familiar black cat I nicknamed Zizi, because X knows his name. He does answer to Zizi though. He also answers to a lot of things, like stinky butt, fuzzball, and don’t claw the couch.

He has the most beautiful eyes, the softest silkiest coat, and absolutely rank farts. His hobbies are sleeping, eating, and meowing for more food in his half full bowl. He also enjoys walks on the harness.

So, ya. Hi y’all. This is my story. Well, as condensed as I can get about a decade but yes.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the forum-

thank you for being up front with your own BPD.  it takes a lot of courage to share not only what you went through with your ex but your struggles mental health.  we do have other members who have shared their PD status, we only ask that you keep the topics of your post on healing/ working through your relationship with your ex and not about your own recovery work relating to your diagnosis. 

it sounds like the parts of the forum that may fit best for you are the working on us, chosen relationships and separating and divorcing sections- even though the relationship is over they may help you get support and validation for what you were experiencing.

Separating and Divorcing

Working On Us

Chosen Relationships


many blessings to you on the next chapter in your journey!  see you on the boards when you are ready to share more-

[CelestialLight]

Thank you!

Yes, I wanted to be upfront about it. In no way was I a pure innocent victim, I had my own issues, but sadly, he learned how to poke at my weaknesses. Then tried to stop me getting  help...

I did a course years ago, to work with people with disabilities, a part of that was conflict resolution, and to remain calm, state the issues, then let the other side talk. He couldn't stand that. It'd end with me in tears, and him telling me everything was my fault.

Eg, "I'm a bit upset at the state of the house. It's affecting me pretty badly, and it's making me unhappy. How can we fix this?"

"Well, how do you think I feel? All I can do all day is sit on the computer."

The one time I countered that with "We're not talking about the computer. We're talking about the house. Maybe, instead of sitting on the computer all day, you could do some housework as a break?"

That led to him saying he was quitting his game, he didn't like it anyway, and I was lucky to have him, because another person would leave, etc.

That would kick my fear of abandonment in, and I'd get upset, and he'd tell me how unstable I am, and how I'm so difficult...

In the end, nothing would get done, and I'd be on the bed crying, while he went back to his computer.

I've since learned this is DARVO - Deflect, Avoid, Reverse Victim and Offender.

Since leaving him, I'm much more stable, medications help with the symptoms (comorbid depression and severe anxiety), and seeing a therapist and doing a DBT course have helped even more.

Oh, I should mention, he did everything he could to keep me on one medication, a benzo. He later admitted to stealing some of my pills.

But, I'm digressing now.

Thank you for the forum recommendations. I will definitely check them out!

And thank you again for the edits. It took me a few hours to write this, and a few things slipped through that I should have rephrased. And I apologise for forgetting the trigger warning! I hope no one was too upset, and came across something they otherwise would have avoided.