Still trying to figure things out

[Pepin]

I was reflecting earlier about how I have responded to PDs before things became ugly.  My gut has always instructed me to act from a place of empathy.  I have given what I would want given to me...compassion, understanding, listening, asking how I can help, what do they need, etc.  These things have largely left me trampled and flat with PDs.  For whatever reason, they did not work like they have with others that are not PDs.  I spend more time dwelling on how I have failed rather than the successes I have had with those that embraced me.  This has been really difficult for me - especially considering that the two PDs in my life are my father and my mother in law.  I just don't know how to make anything work with either of them.  With NF I am already NC because I gave up a long time ago.  With PDmil, I really struggle with how to be around her even though I hardly see her much.  But I struggle more with DH because he sees her differently than I do.  And that really bothers me....because I also feel like I am failing him by not having a good relationship with his mother anymore.  I feel that I have literally done all I could do for him as a wife and the mother of his children.  This just hasn't been fair and I keep thinking that I am missing something.  It makes me feel so incredibly abandoned and irrelevant.  He shouldn't have to choose but I am sure he feels like it.  If I cannot give him what he wants, he runs to mommy to get that void filled...or porn.  *sorry*  And it is like this vicious circle that goes around and around.  I have already made the first move many times to get us off this circle and it hasn't worked.  PDs just can't get enough.  And people like my DH just can't see the dysfunction.  It is maddening.  I am so tired of always thinking about how to fix things and I just don't know anymore. 

[Cat of the Canals]

I am so tired of always thinking about how to fix things and I just don't know anymore. 

I know this feeling very well. Have you read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad? It was an eye-opener for me, because I had the very same tendency to try to use empathy to "fix" the PDs in my life (my mother and MIL). I spent most of my life thinking that any relationship problems must be the result of my not trying hard enough.

[Hilltop]

As a child I was often told I needed to try harder to fix the relationships so I understand that feeling that you should be doing something more or its all on you to fix things.

The simple truth is, it isn't on you to fix these relationships.  It isn't on you to fix the relationship with your MIL.  A relationship is a two way street and if she has been unwilling to get to know you or even speak to you in English what can you do.  It isn't on you to fix.  Why don't you believe that your MIL has just as much responsibility to fix things if they are so bad and yet she doesn't does she.

Realizing that I didn't need to fix anything anymore was freeing for me.  I figure its time to let the relationships be what they are.

As for your relationship with your husband, that's the only one that matters.  Leave MIL out of it.  He can have his relationship with his mother you don't need to hear about it.  Remove yourself from this triangle.