NC clarity

[lightworld]

Hi everyone

I haven't been around for a while but I've recently had a guilt trip message from NF trying to get me to contact him after 9 months NC and it's got me thinking about our relationship again and it seems that NC has enabled me to see things a bit more clearly.

As with lots of people on here,  the drama that finally made me go NC was not much different to lots of other times, but when he was raging against Covid restrictions and putting people at risk, then abusing everyone in his orbit he was threatened for the third time,  with eviction from his care home.

It was then, after years of maintaining LC when my enabling M was alive and VLC after she died, I simply realised that I couldn't handle it anymore. The thought of finding him a new care home in the middle of a pandemic and the certainty that he wouldn't like it made me freeze with anxiety.

Finally I phoned and told him that if he was thrown out I would not help him and in fact  that I was done wirh his abusive behaviour. He denied it all and asked me what he'd ever done to me to make me say this. I ended the call and have not contacted him since. One of my strategies was to have a Dad phone, as Woman Interrupted used to call it so he doesn't have my personal phone number. So he called DH.

Anyway, this has obviously been on my mind and in my dreams ever since,  it really triggered me, but this morning I had a moment of clarity. NF has fo!lowed the classic abuse cycle throughout my lifetime. What I hadn't realised was that I go through these phases along with him, they correspond like this:

NF                                                  ME

Period of calm                              Doubting my interpretation about his abuse (he's OK really it's just me)

Build up to rage.                           FOG, dread and anxiety

Full blown rage.                            Extreme dread and anxiety

Blaming/silent treatment           FOG, some measure of peace during  ST

Hoovering                                     Doubting/second guessing myself, FOG

It was a revelation to me, I haven't been able to look at it quite like that before and it has really helped me to have the courage to keep up NC and withstand his attempts to make me contact him. It was so hard to see this when I was in the middle of it. It took months of not contacting him to come up with what now seems obvious.

DH said there wasn't any remorse or apology from NF in his phone call, he just said tell Lightworld she must phone me I'm going to die soon. 

[moglow]

Lightworld, that sounds painfully similar to mine and I did it all my life. Even when I finally saw it [years ago, to be honest], I kept engaging. I guess I bought into that "but she's your mother" obligation I'd been fed, but the choice to go there was very much intentional on my part. I thought I could somehow someway change the process, and finally the basic truth hit me like a ton of bricks - I can only change my part in it, how I respond and how much I choose to engage her.

The full blown rages - repeated and increasingly personal and painful - got to be too much for me, and mother did what you describe with your father. After the rages there was either silent treatment or avoidance, nothing was ever acknowledged [forget apologies!] other than her blaming me for whatever she was mad about and eventually the cycle would start all over again. Like you, after all those deliberate and very intentional meltdowns that had not one thing to do with the conversation at hand [combined with personal attacks on me], I just couldn't justify my participation anymore.

I guess what I'm saying is, I get you. I completely understand not wanting to engage with your dad at this point, and all the "I'm dying, you need to call me" messages in the world don't change how you've been treated. And they don't change his chosen behavior.
I miss WomanInterrupted. I'm channeling her for you - stick to what is best for YOU. And remember, DH doesn't have to take his calls either.

[lightworld]

Thank you Moglow for getting it and for channelling Woman Interrupted, I miss her terribly too.  I'm sorry you had to go through this with your mother, it takes over your life if you let it. I'm so glad you had the courage to break away.

Even now I think about F far too much and I dream about him regularly but being NC has definitely improved things for me and I am now realising how important it is to focus all my attention on me, my FOC and my dear friends.

I am still capable of thinking 'he can't help it' or 'he's old and in a care home' but I know that engaging again would result in the same stress and anxiety as before. Also I'm not getting any younger myself and I need a free and peaceful life. I'm trying not to think that I should have done it earlier, there were many times I could have walked away but it does no good to think of that.

I like your phrase 'I couldn't justify my participation anymore'- that's spot on, what on earth is my justification for engaging with F? I'm not a masochist so why put myself back in the firing line?

One thing I find hard to process is that NC is all my fault and has no justification as far as F is concerned but as Practical once told me I have to remember his thinking is disordered. Also  he would never take responsibility for his behaviour, never has. I saw a video once that said you can always tell a true narcissist by the fact that they never take responsibility, they never accept blame, they never apologise. 

As WI would say "I'm staying inside the shark cage".  Here's to a peaceful life.

[zak]

I've been NC with uNPDM for almost six years now. She's never attempted to contact me since; just complains to others that she has no idea what she's done. Sadly that's probably true ! I do want to validate you in your decision though. My M is 89 this week; I'm 64 so yes it took a very long time for me to go NC at age 57. It was a matter of survival at the time....mine !

One of the things I did not expect about NC was the amount of learning that could only be done away from the constant trauma and triggering cycles you outlined. Even now I am still getting clearer and clearer about so many things and that's a wonderful form of self-validation. Apart from removing yourself from the dance floor of drama and the blessed peace that this delivers, this personal growth and clarity is one of the big plusses.

NC is not a silver bullet, it's not easy but it's easier than staying stuck in a cycle of abuse. Go gently   

(I miss WI too. She had a way of cutting right through didn't she. Those stories of Ray...I must go back and re-read some of her posts )

[lightworld]

Thank you Whole Hearted. I am just beginning  to see the benefits you describe. I'm finally seeing myself clearly, my needs and wants which were always swept aside by F until I believed they were unimportant compared to his needs and wants.

NC has definitely been good for me even though it is incredibly hard to break away and particularly to stay away when I start to feel his presence again after months of peace. I am fully expecting more push to get me to contact him, probably from B who lives close to him. So far to give him credit, B has been understanding about my decision.

I'm so well trained to live in fear of F that,even though he is no longer big and intimidating but in his 90s, in a wheelchair, alone in a care home with only B left in contact with him, I still get anxious about what he'll do.

Getting there s!owly but surely. Thanks to you and Moglow for taking the time to reply.

[blues_cruise]

NF                                                  ME

Period of calm                              Doubting my interpretation about his abuse (he's OK really it's just me)

Build up to rage.                           FOG, dread and anxiety

Full blown rage.                            Extreme dread and anxiety

Blaming/silent treatment           FOG, some measure of peace during  ST

Hoovering                                     Doubting/second guessing myself, FOG

It was a revelation to me, I haven't been able to look at it quite like that before and it has really helped me to have the courage to keep up NC and withstand his attempts to make me contact him. It was so hard to see this when I was in the middle of it. It took months of not contacting him to come up with what now seems obvious.

You can see how terribly manipulative and abusive the behaviour is when you have some distance from the cycle, particularly when writing it down like that. This is exactly how it always was with my father. When you're in the middle of it you're really just in survival mode and unable to see it for what it is. While still in FOG I didn't know whether I was coming or going and was so hypervigilant and fixated on people pleasing to avoid the discomfort of rages and silent treatment. I'll never forget the feelings of intense toxic shame, severe anxiety and depression when he first gave me 3 months of silent treatment after daring to shatter the 'period of calm' and stand up to him about something minor...the realisation that my own father wanted me to feel like that and had no remorse for it was eye opening.

DH said there wasn't any remorse or apology from NF in his phone call, he just said tell Lightworld she must phone me I'm going to die soon. 

Your father's phone call demonstrates a complete lack of self awareness and selfishness, which is typical and suggests no desire to reflect or change his behaviour to make a healthy relationship possible. I always look at it as having stepped off a really dark merry-go-round. The cycle continues without me being there and any attempt at contact from uNF is an invitation to step back on to the ride at the expense of my own mental health. They're unlikely to change and I think we should only ever reconsider contact if we mentally feel in a safe enough place to cope with the continued behaviour. It's okay to be gentle with yourself and to focus on calming your nervous system, which is extremely difficult while remaining in contact and having to be confronted with constant triggers.  

[lightworld]

Thank you Blues Cruise. I like your image of the toxic merry go round. I know that NC is doing me the world of good and my gut keeps telling me not to go back to contacting F. I know how dangerous it would be for me.

I was pleasantly surprised to find this new clarity about my situation whi!e being NC, you are right, it is virtually impossible to see where you are when you are still in the crazy making relationship. I'm mostly calm and at peace now except I do allow myself time for some learning, like being on this forum, but I only allow it for a limited amount of time each day.  I've learnt a lot from videos and books recommended on here as well as other people's experience, sad though it is that we have to go through this.

I can still get enormous surges of anxiety and guilt when I think of F, that's not going away yet but I'm hopeful. I try and think of Richard Grannon's video about guilt where he says people from non families do not feel guilt unless they have actually done something wrong. A sobering thought!