Casual Insults

[Kitbit]

Have you ever dealt with insults from the NPD dropped casually into the conversation about you in front of friends? When called on it, there is a claim of forgetting what they said, and merrily continuing on like nothing happened while you're shocked, hurt and reeling. It's so tough dealing with this. Because of their selective amnesia, remorse is paltry, and gaslighting abounds. I guess insults are put down's to boost themselves. I know the motivation behind it, but it is still painful. Anyone else been there?

[JustKeepTrying]

Yup.  I remember those sly remarks that could cut and the remarks that could go either way - it depended on the look in his eyes.  Most of the time that look was black and cold and I knew he was punishing me for something.  Some little offense I wasn't even aware of.  And when I asked later or called him out over it - I was gaslit.  Oh, that's not what I meant.  You are so emotional.  I don't know what you mean.  And then I would catch that look again when he turned away - then the freeze out afterward.  Ugh.  I am still trying to piece myself together and my self confidence is rocky at best.

I try to remember now though that it's on him.  His choice not on me.  But it took me a long time to get there.

[Kitbit]

Thank you for sharing that. I remember learning that insults are a form of punishment. Something is not going right in their world. They have lost a source of supply or sense of control and are using us to get a dirty form of it. So it might not even be something we've done. But they sure can convince us it is our fault. Especially if we hold them accountable.

[blunk]

The one I remember is that when he was with his friends, he would say something like all women are xyz, or do xyz. When I protested, what are you talking about, I don't do that. He would say, you're not a woman you're my wife. WHAT?!?!?!  Or I would be told that I was too sensitive, or couldn't take a joke.

[SparkStillLit]

Oh yes. And either didn't say that, or I'm not remembering it correctly, or he was joking.
As soon as I object to insults, he jumps back instantly with "I'm joking!!!!" and then tries to make it all out how crabby I am.

[losingmyself]

It is a common part of his conversation with people, especially his FOO.
Last week, it was "Have you ever noticed that women only wear makeup and fix their hair when they are going out in public? If they stay home with their husbands, they don't do anything like that. Like we don't deserve it. It just goes to show that they only do it because they're looking for a guy. Women only wear makeup because they're 'fishing'.
This was said to his F at a restaurant, and I was between them, so, over me.
I have gotten used to it, and it reflects more on him than me.
Also, like Blunk, if I say anything, it's either "Well, you do that, so you must be looking for a guy"  Or, "You're not like other women"
Uh hu....
Just remember, people aren't thinking that you're guilty of the insult, they're thinking about how inappropriate it is and probably feeling bad for you that he said that, and that they would never say something like that about their SO.
And also what Spark just said. I am a crab-ass.

[Lauren17]

My H does this with my girls. He'll say things like, "Moms work seems to love her, but I don't know why."
He has a different technique for social situations and that's to try and make me look stupid. After I make a statement he gives me a fake, pitying, surprised look, shakes his head and chuckles. I used to defend my comment which would give him the opportunity to condescendingly explain how silly and wrong I was.
H likes to think he's the smartest person in the room. And he is smart, but so am I. That doesn't work out well for him, so making Lauren look stupid is all for his ego. It stopped hurting as much when I learned that. Now it's water off the duck's back.
I agree with LosingMyself. It's making him look bad, not you.

[SparkStillLit]

Pdh does this in public or private. He's super quick to criticize "did you make a mistake? Well I hope you didn't do THAT!!! (Even for tiny little errors) Who f'ed up? Was it you? It was you, wasn't it" this is all over stuff that isn't even an issue. Heaven forbid you DO make a mistake. "Are you going to be fired? Did you get written up?" Etc etc on and on. NO!!! I'VE NEVER BEEN FIRED NOR WRITTEN UP!!!! It makes me realize how horrid he would be in leadership and how I should never view him, nor allow him to be, a leader in our family.
Now, does anyone dare give a whiff of criticizing HIM, though??? Ohhhhhhh......
As an example, once we were thinking of ideas in lieu of a shower at work if you'd jogged or something. I said "maybe wipe with those body wipes in pits, feet, and bits, you know, where all the glands are..." and he *snarled* back at me "I KNOW where human glands are!!!!!" like as if I'd mocked him. I said I was just saying!!! And then I just dropped it. It was nuts.

[Kitbit]

Yes - a major double-standard with this type of situation. I'm careful never to criticize him in any way, let alone in public.

[GettingOOTF]

Yes. These are now on my lit of dating red flags. If someone in dating drops one of these into the conversation I stop seeing them. I have also dropped friends who do this.

My father is a master at this and I never noticed it with my ex as I was so used to it. Now I'm NC with both it's crazy how bad it was. It was quite a shock when I started meeting new people who didn't do  this. I noticed that one do my Fleas was the casual insult under the guise of being a joke. I no longer do this.

[tragedy or hope]

I say, "that is really an offensive thing to say to me! Did you really mean to say that right now, here?"
Whatever he says doesn't matter to me after that.. I don't discuss and I don't argue. I continue with whoever we are with to converse about whatever I want. I let the thought hang there in the air. This usually nips it in the bud for me.

Sometimes I get up to use the restroom after that. I come back as if nothing happened and I don't mention it later. it is over for me.

[Lauren17]

It makes me realize how horrid he would be in leadership and how I should never view him, nor allow him to be, a leader in our family.

Mine is in a leadership position. I've talked to several coworkers and underlings and by all accounts, he's great at it!
DD said once that she doesn't see how anyone could stand to have Dad as a boss because "he's so mean."
Another example of the special treatment saved for those closest to the PD.

[SparkStillLit]

Lauren, that's fascunating. Mine had been self employed for over 20 years, and briefly employed in a prominent position but had bosses. He didn't do well. I didn't think he would. He's been umemployed ever since, going on 2 years now.
I cannot see him in leadership. He was snippy to his clients who questioned his supremacy in any way. He had a really firmly established clientele, so it wasn't really a thing, but I remember here and there over the years.

[Lauren17]

Spark, this is one of the big reasons I think H is a covert narc vs a BPD. The internet tells me workaholic is a common trait of narcs. That ability to charm and control those around them in sharp contrast to how they treat people at home.
I'm very sorry to hear your H is unemployed. I can't imagine mine around the house all day long every day. 

[chowder]

H and I  have an agreement to not speak about each other's FOO, except in general terms.   Recently we were out to dinner with a couple of friends.  I told a funny story about my dad.  H inserted a comment that I did not take as complimentary. 

In the past, I might have internalized this and brought it up later, he would get annoyed, wouldn't "remember," accuse me of not being able to take a joke, say I took it the wrong way, or otherwise blame me.

So this time I just addressed it right then and there, saying that he just violated our agreement to not say anything about the other's family. 

I know it may not be textbook, but I'm tired of having to hold my reaction and suffer in silence until later, and then having my experience denied.

He and I spoke about it later.  He didn't think it was right for me to say that in front of others.  I told him if he says these things in front of others, he's opened the door, and I will do it again.  Maybe now he will exercise more self-control, knowing he cannot get away with something like that in public and then blame me later. 

I consider it a boundary issue.  You bring it up in public, I have a right to address it in public.  End of story.

[SparkStillLit]

I like that. I would catch seven kinds of hell for "chastizing him in public", but if he's going to insult me in public, he opened the door.

[losingmyself]

Yesterday was full-on criticizing. I don't know why, if it was because it was a holiday, or what, but I was amazed that I could even breathe correctly.
Turns out, I can't do any household chore correctly, or drive, or anything. I just let it roll off me. I tried "Well, maybe you should do the dishes from now on" Since I am so incompetent.
I am expecting it to get worse, because DD is coming for a visit the end of this month. I haven't seen her since September. He said "Did they check the hotels?" I said with a scowl, "No, they will stay with us."
I also saw the evil smile on Saturday, I think he thought he was getting to me, but no. I was sitting in the car, after he was yelling, and I looked at him walking in front of the car to get in, and he had that grin on his face. I know what that is. It only comes from being mean.
I was thinking of calling him out when he says stupid stuff. Just figuring out what to say...
Thinking of asking his F what H's M would do if he said something like that about her. She was a very stubborn Swede!! FIL is way smarter than that!