This is just getting out of hand now!

[Seven]

I usually post in the Elderly Parents page, but this whole situation has devolved into the whole family unit, so if you are unaware of the background, feel free to go back in my posts. 

This has turned into a major clusterf*ck. So uNPDm is in MC in sunny state walking distance from Sis2, who in all honesty is just like uNPDm.  They basically can’t stand each other because they are the same person.  When Bro5 was getting brain tumor removed last year, Sis2 swooped in to get uNPDm because she was having a medical emergency herself (she hadn’t pooped in a week).  There was back and forth dialogue about where uNPDm should end up permanently, sunny state or back in mid-Atlantic state.  Doc said no more moving due to her age, condition, Covid, etc.  We also believe she has Levy Bodies dementia, but has definitely been diagnosed with dementia. Hence, no more decision making of her own. Sis4 is financial POA and Bro6 is her medical proxy with Bro5 as the backup.

Anyway, come to find out last night that Bro5 (and you’ll have to go back a few months in my posts to see how gross Bro5 lives) will be moving in with Sis2 in sunny state at the end of his lease in 2 months.  I was told this by Sis4 who is moms financial POA, who lives in different part of sunny state but looking to move back to same part that Sis2 and NPDm are in. Bro-in-law4 is on Team Seven. Really really really really Really bad idea.

When she told me I was incredulous. I literally was like WHAT? WHAT?  Like I couldn’t have been any louder. Put her on speaker so DH could hear. I kept repeating “this is a stupendously BAD idea”. I was so angry I couldn’t even pronounce the word “stupendously” correctly multiple times.

I’m not even sure why Sis2 would agree to this, other than she needs a reprieve from the drama that is my mother, and Bro5 is GC #1. Decades ago Sis2 had loaned Bro5 10s of thousands of dollars and never saw a dime of it back.  He lives like a slob and she is pristinely neat.  This is like fire and ice, oil and water.  They just don’t mix. Sis2 doesn’t trust Bro5 at all, but like I said maybe only doing this to give herself a break. His lease is up, he has no money.  I mean can we say “co-dependency”?

A few hours later I get a call from Sis1 in northern home state (where we all originally grew up, and where Bro5 friend-with-benefits still lives. Sis1 is very good friends with FWB.  FWB also had a brain tumor).  “Did you hear about Bro5?”   Yep, just a few hours ago.   Come to find out Bro5 went up to northern state last weekend to tell FWB he will be moving south to sunny state and “maybe we can meet up in the middle sometimes” for what are the assumed “benefits”. WTAF?!  So he goes up there to tell her this, doesn’t bring her any of her stuff that she keeps down here when she comes to visit, and now expects her to come down here this weekend to get her stuff.  The freaking gall of this man (and I use the term “man” very loosely).  Literally my entire sibling brood knows that Bro5 is using FWB for just that, while FWB thinks they’re going to get married or something.  She has had the hots for Bro5 for over 40 years. Anyway, the reason why Sis1 called was to ask if Bro5 can leave FWB things at my place until the next time we meet up. I was like “no, I don’t want him here.  Why are we trying to make things easy for Bro5?”  I offered my sons garage, but said I need to ask him first, but now I don’t even think that’s a good idea. I think he needs to box her stuff up and UPS it to her at his expense.

Me, my DH, and Sis1 main concern is Bro5 ulterior motive.  Stay with Sis2 for a couple months, get his own place (with what money and what job I’ve no idea, he only just got approved for SSDI), and then move uNPDm in with him and he’ll “take care of her”.  That hasn’t been said outright by Sis2 or Bro5, but those of us Out of the FOG see it coming. Sis1 thinks he is trying to outrun his debt collectors as well. 

Next, I’m waiting for the phone call to come help him pack. That’ll be a big no from me. It’ll actually be a little harsher than that.

My concern is my mother and what kind of stuff Bro5 will be putting in her head and I swear it will come down to financial elder abuse. Not much I can do I guess other than sit on the sidelines and watch this all go to pot.

I’m angry.  I’m angry because all uNPDm would say is “I want to leave something for my kids” yet never took steps to make that happen.  I’m angry because she plays favorites (even in her dementia), yet says “but I love all my....” and then trails off (more than once).  I want absolutely nothing to do with this entire mother situation, but also have a hard time sitting back and watching her being taken advantage of and the whole sibling relationships be damaged because of it.  I’m angry at all the emotional damage she has done to all of her children, and I’m angry at those who try to excuse away her behavior. This is the final culmination of decades worth of lying, gaslighting, triangulation, manipulation, etc etc.

[Sneezy]

You have every right to be angry - what a mess!  And I think you are correct that this is the culmination of your mother's gaslighting, lying, manipulation, etc. throughout the years.  It really is a shame that it ended up like this.

You didn't ask for advice, but I can't help myself.  Drop the rope when it comes to your siblings, their spouses, and FWB.  They are all, presumably, adults of sound mind and they can make their own decisions, regardless of how bad those decisions might be.  I have watched a couple of my siblings do some really bone-headed things, but my speaking up about those things never seemed to change anything.  In fact, it just hurt our relationships. 

As far as your mother, do you want to drop the rope or do you want to be involved?  It sounds like Sis4 handles the finances and Bro6 handles medical decisions.  Are you ok with the decisions they are making?  I would say that if they aren't doing anything really awful, you might just sit back and let them handle things.  If Bro5 tries anything underhanded, it's really up to Sis4 to keep him from stealing your mother's money and Bro6 to keep him from endangering her physically.  In order for you to have any real control over your mother's finances or physical health, it's likely that you would have to hire an attorney and go to court, and that's a huge investment of time, money, and angst, so it would have to be something you really felt strongly about before going that route.

Be strong with your boundaries - Bro5 can pack and move his own stuff, FWB's stuff is not your problem, etc.  Do not let others push their stuff onto you.

Take care!

[SunnyMeadow]

What a mess, clusterf*ck is right. I like Sneezy's post and thoughts. Let them do what they're going to do and back away from the crap-fest.

I wish a thousand times that I had siblings to deal with my uNPD mother. If that was the case, I'd be like 

[Seven]

You all are right.  Just sit back and watch it happen.

I did speak with Sis2 yesterday to address the elephant in the room.  It WAS Bro5 idea to move down there.  And yes, I was right, she doesn't want to have to jump when MC calls and if Bro5 will do it, all the better for her. 

Right now Sis2 refuses to go see uNPDm because of her nastiness.  Her mask is gone, filter is gone, all the girls are the devil, p/t won't see her any more because of her erratic behavior. "I NEED TO MOVE IN WITH BRO5 or BRO6!"  Boys are chalking it up to her Lewy Bodies.  I told her just because she has LBD doesn't mean she has to be a nasty person to the people trying to help her. I'm sure if she were a normal personality, the hallucinations and delusions could be chalked up to that.  But now uNPDm is in state of  paranoia.  UNPDm also introduced Sis2 as her dog to a couple in the same facility.  The husband is there without any MC issues.  He's there only because his wife is there. So yeah, she introduced Sis2 as "this is my dog, (insert dogs name)". The husband tried to correct her but she wasn't having it.  Lots of other things have happened in the last few days as well. 

Anyway, Sis2 is worried she'll have to go into a nursing home.  I asked her why she should be worried about that?  I mean, what's the worry?  She said she's afraid uNPDm will go downhill faster than she already is.  To me, a nursing home is not a worry.

My guess is she won't last the year.

[Andeza]

The lady I knew with LBD reverted to an almost childlike sweetness as it progressed. I guess pd just hijacks everything... it's so very sad.

Yeah, time to sit back and let the wheels fall off. It sucks, no doubt. Take time for yourself,  Seven.

[Seven]

Andeza
I'm pretty sure her PD is on auto-pilot. It has completely taken over.